Letter to the people who keep calling my number looking for that business...

Here's the deal, people: that company you keep calling for? They changed their phone number. The phone company (may it rot in hell) gave it to us. Although we asked for the cheapest calling plan, we certainly didn't ask for the company's cast-off number. Be that as it may, there are a few things we need to discuss.

When you call and we don't answer the phone because we know it's you and you hear our very non-business answering machine message, why do you leave a message for so-and-so in the sales department or verifying delivery information? Better yet, why do you start to leave a message, stop in the middle, hang up, and call our number again? You're going to get the same answering machine message.

Those of you who call and hear our non-business message, why do you just let the message run and then hang up, only to call back 3 seconds later and do it again? Do you really think that something will change in those 3 seconds?

Yes, we know you're a very competent phone number dialer and that you checked, double-checked, then re-checked the number and still got us. But things change, people, things change. That's the beauty of recycling phone numbers. Instead of getting an imminently useful "this # is no longer in service" message, you get us. Lucky you.

And those of you who call and are lucky enough to have your call answered, you have a special place in the darkest part of my heart. Initially, I would tell you people that you had the wrong number. We even changed the answering machine message to state that "this is not the number for XYZ company", but you still kept calling and leaving messages. People, we've had this phone number for 14 months. It's time to get with the program. So now when you call, that's why I say "no, this isn't XZY company; they changed their number over a year ago and this number no longer belongs to them."

I know you're hearing is excellent and that you hear me tell you they changed their number, so WHY do you call back again? Do you think I'm lying? I'm not. I'm not even trying to play a practical joke. I'm not even halfway kidding around with you, old pals that we are. And when you call back and we have to go through the whole dance again, do not ask me to look up the number for you. If you're lucky enough to catch me on a good day, I'll tell you ever so sweetly to look in an updated phone book. It is not then a good idea to ask me to look it up for you. I will hang up on you if you do that.

Here's why I don't have time to look up the phone number for you: I am VERY BUSY STUDYING FOR THE BAR EXAM. I do not have time to look things up for you. So people, please, it's been over a year. STOP CALLING MY APARTMENT! I am no longer responsible for what I may say to you over the phone nor what I may do to you if I am able to hunt you down. Please, get yourselves an updated phone book and go on your merry way.