Open Letter to the Gentleman Sitting Next to Me on the Bus this Morning

Dear Sir:

I'm sure you are an upstanding, decent, well-liked human being. In fact, you appear to be at least mildly successful in your career of choice. I'm happy you dress well and seem to act like an adult, unlike other bus riders Who Shall Remain Nameless. And you do seem to be a genuinely nice person.

However, I have a small complaint. It's regarding your arse. Or rather, the noxious odors that were so frequently emanating from your arse this morning. Sir, it would seem you have a rather serious gastrointestinal problem judging from the toxic smells your arse was emitting. Now, I am not completely hard-hearted; I understand that occasionally you may eat a few too many flatulence-inducing items for dinner. I myself am a vegan and eat lots of vegetables and soy products, which do not always lend themselves to a sweet odor wafting from my rear. However, sir, you did not smell as if you'd merely had a big plate of broccoli and onions for dinner last night. You smell as if you are on the verge of needing to have some serious colon work done.

Sir, if you are in the same state on a future morning wherein you may contemplate sitting next to me on the bus, please don't be offended when I either (a) get up and move as far away as open seating will allow, or (b) pull out my handy-dandy gas mask. It was all I could do this morning not to vomit.

Thank you ever so much for your future kind consideration of my nose.

Sincerely,
Me