Herein lies the problem with trying to be superwoman...

...eventually, you burn the f*ck out. No, you know what? You burn the fuck out.

I started the official countdown 3 days ago...I figured I needed some extra motivation AND something to look forward to, as in: thank fuck this will be over in x days. It's helped.

And the sleeping pills have helped to.

Except tonight I'm tired. T-I-R-E-D. Tired of working. Tired of studying. Tired of working and studying. Tired of losing roughly 1 1/2 hours every day COMMUTING on the bus. Tired of trying to deal with Husband. Tired of living in an apartment building where I hear people below me and OUTSIDE YELLING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT. (Not unlike the experience E.Spat had - and yes, I'm too TIRED to link it properly, sorry.)

And what is the last possible thing I need to have on my plate right now? Worrying about money. Yes, I'm working a lovely job and getting a nice paycheck with a fabulous 401K and health/etc. plan. However, because of this bar exam, I have to take time off. I'm actually taking 2 weeks off work (well, 9 days, but I don't really count the Friday after the bar exam because I can go in hungover and just have to get through the day)....and because I don't have enough vacation time accrued, I'm taking it UNPAID. Which basically means I'm missing 1 paycheck next month. Which in turn COMPLETELY SUCKS because rent & my whopping student loan payment are both due the first week of August. Fantastic. I'm planning to call Direct Loans tomorrow and see if they'd take a raincheck on my firstborn...or they could have Husband...just not the cat. I'm hoping I get a human with emotions and we can work something out...like let's re-commence the bending over every month in September, say.

And now I've lost some study time when I'm supposed to be getting Agency/Partnerships memorized & down cold tonight. LE BIG, FAT SIGH.

Let's all hold hands in a circle and sing kumbuya (sp?).

Are you serious? It's almost JULY, already?!?

Where have the past few months gone? Why has June decided to fly it wily ass on by?

I was supposed to nail down Evidence tonight (i.e., do more memorization sheets to make sure I have it all memorized) but my tired brain decided I needed a night of & a glass of wine. So I said "okay". It took a lot of arm twisting, let me tell you.

I was planning to go to bed at 10pm, but have gotten sucked into a re-airing of a Frontline episode about the 9/11 commision, Cheney, etc.... and getting ANGRIER by the second.

I may need more wine.

I'm throwing a pity party - wanna' join?

I am T-I-R-E-D. As in my brain is tired of thinking and memorizing.

It's really hard, harder than I ever imagined it would be, to work full time and try to study full time. I wouldn't recommend it. My day starts at about 5:45 am (depending on how snooze-happy I am) and I don't get home until about 12 hours later. Then I have to try and get a few hours of studying in, eat, work out, and not go to bed still vibrating (which reminds me, I need to go take my sleeping pill).

I'm not even really watching ANY TV.

Over the weekend, Husband accepted the fact that if he wants the apartment to be clean, he's going to have to do it himself (he's LUCKY I'm still doing the laundry!). I'm still surprised this went down without a fight. It always seems like we have one really knock-down, drag out super-fight when I'm studying for the bar. I still think it's coming, though, because it's one thing to get Husband to agree to clean. It's an entirely different thing for him to actually do it. And I'm sorry, but putting Dawn on the dishcloth and running it over the entirety of the sink does NOT count as cleaning it. He could even use the Clorox spray, for pete's sake.

What's really starting to grate on my nerves is the RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF HOURS HE SPENDS PLAYING GAMES! GAMES! People, I'm talking about mindless, non-productive, GAMES. Jeeeeeeeeeeezus. With all the time he spends playing games, he could probably have already solved the whole world peace issue. I've been told this is a "guy thing", but he gets NO SLACK right now.

Seriously, it really feels like I'm working 2 jobs. And it TOTALLY SUCKS my hypothetical left nut.

I have, however, started working out again. Well, maybe I should re-phrase that. Yesterday, I ate really well, got my study goals accomplished, and even worked out - I let the elliptical machine kick my ass and then lifted weights. Today, I had 2 little pieces of dark chocolate (FIBER! BONUS!) but still went and let the elliptical pummel me. Someone at work said: "maybe you should tackle one thing at a time - first the bar, then working out when that's done". That doesn't work for me because I like to be on a schedule. Routines are my friend, we go way back. So I'm proud of myself for yesterday and today. Just gotta' keep building on the good days.

As I start to take longer and longer pauses (I'm tired and am about to go brush my teeth & go to bed for SLEEP, SLEEP, WONDERFUL SLEEP), I will leave you all with a good movie suggestion: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: hysterically funny dark comedy. Val Kilmer & Robert Downey Jr. have excellent comedic timing; not only are they excellent actors, but they're great to watch together. Watch it when you need a break.

Sleep well, everyone, and those of you going to Bar/Bri in the morning remember this: as much as it sucks to be sitting in a lecture, AT LEAST YOU'RE NOT SITTING AT WORK FOR EIGHT HOURS BEFORE YOU GET TO GO HOME AND STUDY. Gosh, don't you wish you were me?!?

The bar gets blamed for alot...and it deserves it.

I've been holding off on posting because I just feel so whiny lately. Working a full-time job and trying to study for this damn bar exam is a b*tch. Seriously. I can think of a thousand sharp objects to the eye that would be more enjoyable.

The tough part for me is the volume of stuff I have to memorize, and since there's no MBE (which I'm ecstatic about), the memorization is basically just rote. It sucks. It's really hard to work a full day, ride the bus an hour home, make dinner, clean up the kitchen (because Husband is really being LAZY right now - more on this in a minute), and then get all revved up to study for a couple hours and not only be productive, but be able to FOCUS...that magical thing. Writing essays is fun compared to sitting and doing my memorization sheets.

I am now sleeping! I am falling asleep and staying asleep the entire night. It's beautiful! Now if I can just get myself up at 5:00 am to go work out... sigh. If I don't work out in the morning, it just doesn't happen. I've been taking walks during my lunch but that's not the serious ass kicking type of exercise my body needs right now...and I'm not talking for stress reduction, just size reduction.

Husband ... what is there to say? At least he'll go buy me Godiva dark chocolate (my fave) and sneak up and just shove it in my mouth while I'm studying. :-) That's actually quite nice. Of course it adds to the reason I need a body boot camp. He always gets cranky when I'm studying. We already have a cat, I don't need another child! And for chrissakes, please just keep the kitchen cleaned up! I can't study when the house is a mess - not because I'm open to distraction but because my Type A self can't handle it. I've really tried to cultivate the art of letting things sit until he does it during the last (almost) 3 years of married life, but when I'm studying for the bar, I don't have the extra patience for that.

Satuday night we went to see the Black Crowes. It was an excellent concert! I won tickets (I'm having deja vu - did I already write about this?) and even the parking was free (non paved, big whoop), so it was a free night. Husband had a nap Saturday afternoon and he woke up in Grumpyville and proceeded to spend the next several hours picking fights (yes, plural) with me. When we finally got to the concert and each consumed a beer the evening was fine. The cool thing about this venue was that we saw Mt. Ranier and then it was a full moon and it looked like one of those print-type framed pictures you'd find in an art gallery. Gorgeous. The actual performance of the Black Crowes was awesome - they're really great live! I never really listened to them prior to going to the concert (it was free, why not go?), but I left a fan. Not a fanatic, but a definite fan.

Oh, and Husband bought me a concert t-shirt...perhaps to make up for picking fights with me?

I decided last week to order a whopping stack of books from the library. Why? Because obviously I have plenty of time to do fun reading. The one I started this morning (on the bus - didn't have study stuff with me & had to run to catch the bus so there wasn't time and NO I DIDN'T PACK MY BAG THE NIGHT BEFORE AND PURPOSEFULLY PUT THE NOVEL IN AND NOT THE UCC SALES MEMORIZATION SHEET IN THERE. THE CAT DID THAT, OKAY? JUST BACK OFF) hmmm....someone feeling a little guilty, perhaps? Anyways, I started "Me Talk Pretty Someday" by David Sedaris. It's very funny - had me laughing out loud on the bus.

And now it's time for me to take my sleeping pill (I take it an hour before going to bed) and do some studying while sitting in bed. Which really means reading my David Sedaris book as the thought of having to memorize any more than the uh, 20? minutes I already did tonight makes me want to stab things. I don't even want to sit and watch TV (too much input)...I just want to sit. Just sit and do nothing.

How about a little motivation: I only have 6 weeks. AUGHHHH! Crap!

I'm still going to read the fun book while laying in bed. I'm a tired girl...I mean, with all the studying, working, and cleaning up and taking care of the cat I have to do (because somebody is too busy being a Master Gamer)...

Given the right circumstances, I could definitely be a pillhead.

I have had insomnia for about the last 1 1/2 - 2 weeks. I went to the doctor today. I was prescribed sleeping pills. HOORAY. No really, hallelujia.

I'm generally not a pill-drug-etc kind of person (aside from alcohol, of course), but being this exhausted has changed my mind. I haven't been able to study at all this week because my brain just can't focus. Last night I was trying to memorize and literally felt my brain grinding to a halt.

What really sucks is I've gone to bed earlier and earlier every night and I can't sleep. I'm exhausted, and I just lay there, trying to get comfortable. Once I do get to sleep, I wake up several times a night. And nothing makes Jane a grumpy girl like interrupted sleep combined with lack of sleep.

The doctor said that if the sleeping pills work and I sleep the entire night tonight, I'll feel worse tomorrow because my body will be crashing. Yeah.

I'm going to just sit here and let my brain zone out until time to take my pill and go to SLEEP, SLEEP, BEAUTIFUL SLEEP!

Calling all you sympathizers and empathizers...

Warning: this post is a very selfish, bar-studying-induced-crazy rant. I just have to get it out or else things may get thrown and I may become catatonic.

I'm finding it so depressing and just SAD that 2 years after graduating from law school, I am *still* studying for a damn bar exam. Granted, this is my first time with Washington, but I'm so disenchanted with myself for not being able to accomplish being licensed yet. I'd really like to frame my diploma, but I can't because I made a deal with myself when I got it that I wouldn't frame it until I was licensed, because it means all of squat without a license. And where am I 2 years later? Spending another summer studying. I'm not stupid; I understand the amount of hard work this requires and I've never been afraid of hard work. I worked hard in law school and believe it or not, I worked my ass off all three times I tried California (even though my ass is bigger, so unfair!).

I know California was a character building experience, yada yada, and I'm probably ahead of the game as far as preparing and going through the experience of taking a bar exam, but I so wish this bar exam was happening 2 years ago. I feel like I'm the only one left from my law school class still not licensed. WTF is up with that. Of course I don't know that for sure because I haven't kept in contact with everyone (or very many people, actually) and I know the bar exam doesn't define me and I'm lucky to be in a position where I can take it... BLAH BLAH BLAH. Regardless of all that, I still feel like a loser for not having passed yet. And that is the suckiest thing of all. It's starting to feel embarassing when people at work find out I went to law school and am studying for the bar and ask when I graduated. You know, it's almost like I'm turning into that person that everyone rolls their eyes about because "she's still trying to pass the bar".

Is this really about becoming an embarassment to my family & friends or just to myself?

Okay, rant over.

Today has been my first serious, gung-ho, no-messing-around study day. I have done 2 1/2 topics, with memorization and essays for 2 of them. I say 1/2 a topic, because this last topic is kicking and screaming the entire way. I can't get anything to stick in mybrain - the memorization is just not happening. I started at 8:30 am and now it's 10 1/2 hours later, so perhaps I'm a little burned out. Of course I did take a few breaks in there, so it's more like 10 hours. I had planned to go for 2 more hours, but just don't see that happening...which will totally throw my whole schedule off for the month of June, and that is unbelievably irritating. (And not just because I'm type A. Okay, well, maybe...)

A few hours ago I was laying on the floor memorizing and singing my own words to Aerosmith's Crazy: cra-a-a-azy, cra-a-a-a-azy, baby, I've gone cra-a-a-a-a-a-a-azy... From there I've gone into a crash...perhaps something to do with the fruit juice and lemon heads I was popping like a crack addict earlier? Note to self: no sugar tomorrow while studying!

My real dillema is this: I don't think I can do another 2 hours tonight, although I still have 1/2 of one topic to memorize and an essay to do. I just think it will turn into an exercise in frustration and meltdowns. So how do I give myself permission to say I've done enough today without feeling guilty?