OUCH!!!

So today's big discovery at work was the purpose of those little yellow warning stickers in the insides of copy machines. You know, the ones that have a triangle with an exclamation mark and a person holding out a finger over heat waves.

Of course, this discovery came after I'd thoroughly scorched one finger and lightly burned 2 other fingers.

I somehow jammed the copier, and was trying to fix it when I decided my right index finger was one burn + blister short of a perfect day. I just so happened to be copying these memorization sheets for bar study when the jam happened...which is, I suppose, karma's way of telling me I ought NOT be using company resources for personal stuff. Naughty.

In any event, my index finger blistered within a whopping 2 minutes, a personal record for me! The time it has taken for me to type this entry out is probably also a record, given that I'm a finger short on the typing front.

I'm just glad it's raining and univiting outside.

Why, you ask? Do I have a fixation with rain? Not necessarily, although I am a big fan, which is good considering where I live. No, the real reason I'm glad it's rainy today (and forecasted for the whole weekend) is because this weekend is "no really, I'm going to start seriously studying for the bar, really". Sigh. Today it felt like I put in about 15 hours but only produced 3 hours' worth. At least it's a serious concerted effort.

My chiropractor sent me home with an exercise ball on Thursday. I sat on it almost the entire day, and my back was nice and loose. I'm hoping that this is the nice little low-effort magic key to flat abs. Ha.

Anyways, I'm revving up for a nice, cold beer and some poker playing with Husband. I'd better win, that's all I have to say.

My identity thief stole my motivation!

Well, if you think finding out that someone has your social security number, date of birth, and mother's maiden name sucks, try dealing with the aftermath!

I have so far logged between 4-5 hours on the phone, an evening filling in forms/signing affidavits, way too long filling out an online form with the FTC, and longer than I care to admit attempting to file a police report.

And just let me tell you about trying to file a police report. I first went to my city's police department website, and in a shining tribute to the effectiveness of local government, not ONE SINGLE PHONE NUMBER worked. So I then proceeded to go to the main Seattle police department website. To make a very long, painful and extraordinarily frustrating story a bit shorter, I got bounced from automated system to automated system. Once I got through a live person, I kept getting transferred to different precints and departments before I was actually able to make a report.

And I'm fiercely behind in this month's study goals, and I think tonight Husband & I are going to go out and get a margarita...after the ending of America's Next Top Model, that is.

I'm me, no really, I'm ME.

I discovered yesterday morning that I am a VICTIM OF IDENTITY THEFT.

I wish I could add something snarky, like I saw someone who has my exact outfit! or looks just like me!, but alas, this is a very serious, take-10-years-off-my-life reality.

Before I launch into the terrible details, I am ordering all of you to PROMPTLY go and order your credit report RIGHT THIS INSTANT. Pay that stupid $25 fee to have a year's subscription to all 3 reports - IT'S WORTH IT.

I happen to have the year subscription, and have been getting emails from them for the last week that I have "alerts" on my credit report. I finally logged in yesterday morning (after having to call them to see what my password, etc was) and to my absolute HORROR, I saw ELEVEN NEW CREDIT CARDS HAD BEEN OPENED IN THE PAST TWO MONTHS!!!

No, I'm not kidding. I so wish I was.

After spending THREE hours on the phone to the different credit card companies and credit reports (I'm glad it was a slow morning at work), I found out the following:

*Whomever opened these accounts did so from MY OLD APARTMENT in California. We (yes, you too) are now wishing heap of heinous evil to happen to HIM. (I like to think that if it was a girl so badly desirous of money, she'd go find herself a sugar daddy.) I of course had to physically restrain myself from driving down to my old apartment and taking this fellow DOWN (because of course I could actually inflict any real damage).

*This obviously upstanding citizen and contender for the Most Ethical Human Being of the Year award not only has my name, my date of birth, and my mother's maiden name, but also has my social security number.

*I do not know how he got my social security number, but WE (you too) are blaming the terribly inefficient and not-fully-functioning post office branch from there. (I had problems with getting my mail the ENTIRE time I lived there, and they have NOT forwarded all our mail up here.)

The good news, and what perhaps makes me the luckiest identity theft victim ever, is that only 1 credit card had a balance - a whopping $26. One of the credit card companies surmised that because all these accounts are so newly opened, this Model Human Being was just lining up as many credit cards as HE could before going crazy.

I now have a 7 year fraud alert on my credit, so anytime anyone tries to open up an account under my name, they have to call me at my home phone. Oh, and there was a Discover card application that was in the middle of being processed that was, of course, immediately shut down. HA. HA HA. HA. Take that.

I really just wish and hope (as do YOU) that he gets taken down in an extraordinarily emarassing and humiliating way. And I sooo wish I could be there to see it and then jump out from behind the hidden camera and say something witty and evil. Yes, witty and evil. Like YOU GO TO HELL, YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE. You know, something mature like that.

I WANT MY MONEY BACK.

Tonight Husband, the in-laws, and I went to dinner and a movie. What movie did we so foolishly pick? MI:III. I KNOW, I didn't want to give any money to that crazy Tom Cruise either, but the in-laws treated us, so I justified it as empty entertainment. WE ALL LEFT EARLY. No, not kidding. It might have been more effective to just take dollar bills and tear them up.

At one point, I actually LAUGHED OUT LOUD at the reveal of the "plot twist". Don't go see it, wait until it comes out on video. And then wait until they show it on TV...and there's nothing else you'd rather be doing.

Because I'm STUPID, that's why.

Last Friday night I indulged in a piece of carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. Saturday morning, I woke up with a cough. It has gotten progressively worse. The cough, that is. While I have sounded like I'm losing both my lungs on a regular basis, I have felt absolutely fine.

Until this morning. As soon as I got to work and sat down, my sinuses decided it was time to get in on the fun, and decided to permanently attach me to a kleenex box all day. Wowsers did my nose run all day. I still feel fine...aside from the elephant sitting on my sinus cavity and the fact that whenever I cough I sound on the verge of death.

So, why did I eat that damned cream cheese frosting? BECAUSE I'M STUPID, THAT'S WHY. Hmmm, maybe you're wondering what I'm talking about? Well, this is why I'm basically vegan - whenever I eat dairy products (except if eggs & milk are baked) I get an almost instantaneous respiratory/sinus infection. So yes, I'm stupid.

Oh yeah, and when did my over-the-counter cough suppressant wear off? EXACTLY WHEN I GOT ON THE BUS. Yes, I was that loud, obnoxious, hacking person sitting behind you on the bus. I couldn't hardly stop coughing long enough to take some more cough suppressant & pop 15 coughdrops in my mouth. Miserable. I'm sorry if I coughed on you - I was trying to make sure I only coughed into my kleenex, but I AM SICK, I couldn't help myself! I completely understand if you went home and bathed in Clorox. I would have, except I haven't yet made it off the couch.

Oh yeah, and what else is this little dairy-induced respiratory crap hit just in time for? My in-laws are coming tomorrow night. Hooray.