Warning: this post is a very selfish, bar-studying-induced-crazy rant. I just have to get it out or else things may get thrown and I may become catatonic.
I'm finding it so depressing and just SAD that 2 years after graduating from law school, I am *still* studying for a damn bar exam. Granted, this is my first time with Washington, but I'm so disenchanted with myself for not being able to accomplish being licensed yet. I'd really like to frame my diploma, but I can't because I made a deal with myself when I got it that I wouldn't frame it until I was licensed, because it means all of squat without a license. And where am I 2 years later? Spending another summer studying. I'm not stupid; I understand the amount of hard work this requires and I've never been afraid of hard work. I worked hard in law school and believe it or not, I worked my ass off all three times I tried California (even though my ass is bigger, so unfair!).
I know California was a character building experience, yada yada, and I'm probably ahead of the game as far as preparing and going through the experience of taking a bar exam, but I so wish this bar exam was happening 2 years ago. I feel like I'm the only one left from my law school class still not licensed. WTF is up with that. Of course I don't know that for sure because I haven't kept in contact with everyone (or very many people, actually) and I know the bar exam doesn't define me and I'm lucky to be in a position where I can take it... BLAH BLAH BLAH. Regardless of all that, I still feel like a loser for not having passed yet. And that is the suckiest thing of all. It's starting to feel embarassing when people at work find out I went to law school and am studying for the bar and ask when I graduated. You know, it's almost like I'm turning into that person that everyone rolls their eyes about because "she's still trying to pass the bar".
Is this really about becoming an embarassment to my family & friends or just to myself?
Okay, rant over.
Today has been my first serious, gung-ho, no-messing-around study day. I have done 2 1/2 topics, with memorization and essays for 2 of them. I say 1/2 a topic, because this last topic is kicking and screaming the entire way. I can't get anything to stick in mybrain - the memorization is just not happening. I started at 8:30 am and now it's 10 1/2 hours later, so perhaps I'm a little burned out. Of course I did take a few breaks in there, so it's more like 10 hours. I had planned to go for 2 more hours, but just don't see that happening...which will totally throw my whole schedule off for the month of June, and that is unbelievably irritating. (And not just because I'm type A. Okay, well, maybe...)
A few hours ago I was laying on the floor memorizing and singing my own words to Aerosmith's Crazy: cra-a-a-azy, cra-a-a-a-azy, baby, I've gone cra-a-a-a-a-a-a-azy... From there I've gone into a crash...perhaps something to do with the fruit juice and lemon heads I was popping like a crack addict earlier? Note to self: no sugar tomorrow while studying!
My real dillema is this: I don't think I can do another 2 hours tonight, although I still have 1/2 of one topic to memorize and an essay to do. I just think it will turn into an exercise in frustration and meltdowns. So how do I give myself permission to say I've done enough today without feeling guilty?
Saturday, June 03, 2006
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