Internet, I need your advice!

Ok, kids, I need some help.

Last year I worked for a sole practitioner. While it certainly wasn't the crappy experience of my most recent job, it had it's own special charms. After I deferred passing the bar the first time, I quit so I could study full time. And then I didn't go back to working for him, which I wasn't too broken up about.

I haven't spoken to him in over a year.

So, here's the situation: I just received an email from him inviting me to his Christmas Party this coming Friday night.

DO I GO?

One of my friends seems to think this is coming from a genuine, nice place and that I should go. However, thinking about going and what to wear, etc., makes me feel like I'm going to break out in hives. Part of that is probably just stress from thinking about being in a social situation where I'll have to talk about what I'm NOT doing with myself right now, career-wise. And part of it is just stress from having to leave the apartment.

Since I'm flying out on Saturday afternoon, I could just tell him I'd love to but unfortunately will be out of town. Or I could just suck it up and go.

Help.

Bumper Basher, part II

Husband came home from work this morning and says: So, did you happen to notice anything different about my car?!?

Cue me burrowing as far under the covers as I can get.

Husband: So, were you going to tell me?!?

Me: *wail* No. I mean yes, eventually.

Husband: What happened?

Me: I fill him in on the details of how I'm an idiot and backed into that stupid yellow pole.

Husband: Well, I actually feel better knowing some idiot didn't hit me and not even leave a note or anything.

Me: Really? Well, I won't drive your car again.

Husband: Yeah, and when I do something like this to YOUR car, you just remember this little incident.

Me: Okay. (Breathing a huge sigh of relief that my toenails have stayed intact.)

*sniff*...*sniff*... *wail*

So, when I was at the library today (prior to bashing Husband's new, white car's rear bumper into one of those short yellow poles in a parking lot, for which I will undoubtedly be hung up by my toenails, more on this later) I picked up the movie The Notebook.

Why?

Apparently, because I wanted to have a sobfest tonight. And holy cow did I cry. It was just such an incredibly moving, emotional, tragic story. *sigh*

And then I had to follow that up, once I stopped sobbing, with an episode of Sex and the City wherein Aidan moves out of Carrie's apartment and she has to figure out how to come up with a down payment to buy her apartment. But that was just sad, too.

Ok, so, for the bumper bashing story: I took Husband's car to do some errands today, including going to the library and returning some videos. After I had returned the videos and was attempting to back out of the parking space, oh so carefully, I hit one of those stupid, stupid, stupid, pointless yellow poles. Oh, I saw the FOUR surrounding the street lamp, but happened to miss the FIFTH one. Really, five?

As soon as it happened, all my internal organs immediately dropped about 5 feet. When I got home I discovered that while it's really not that bad (no dents), it's still fairly terrible. I placed a terrified emergency call to a friend, and she suggested trying some cleaner on it and then using white-out (his car is white). I used the cleaner, and while it helped a little bit, it's still pretty bad. And of course I couldn't find any white out...I tore the place apart and no dice. So, to preserve my life (my aunt suggested I just pack up my bags and come to visit her NOW), I'm waiting to discuss it with him until he notices it and brings it up first.

Think I can get away with saying his car got hit...with an inanimate object?

stella artois + merlot + ketle one = holy hangover, batman

Wooooooo. I had a serious bender on Friday night. Husband mentioned that I might want to not drink so much in the future. Yeah, ya think?! Ok, so here's how Friday went DOWN.

1. 1:00 p.m.: meet with college friend in Santa Monica to see the movie Rent. Buy popcorn, douse in luscious butter and salt, be transported to popcorn heaven. Oh, and the movie was fabulous...exactly what I needed, emotionally, right now. Perfect. (I have yet to be lucky enough to see it on Broadway...which will totally happen one day.)

2. 4:00 p.m.: head to British Pub to lay in wait for James Blunt, after purchasing CD for his signature. Commence copious intake of Stella Artois.

3. 4:30 p.m.: College Friend & I start talking with this cute old man in the bar, who is playing darts, who later goes from being a cute old man to a complete psycho.

4. 5:15 p.m.: discover WE HAVE BEEN DUPED by his record label, and that instead of the great James Blunt actually appearing, some chick from his record label is there to hand out swag. Am seriously pissed, although the record label chick is pretty cool.

5. 5:30 p.m.: meet the record label chick's husband, share our table with him & this family who brought their 16-year-old daughter to see James Blunt. Discover that the family is super cool. Drink more Stella and play darts with the super cool parents of the 16-year-old cool girl.

6. Sometime between 7:00 - 8:00 p.m.: Have had three large beers. Woo. The cool family invites College Friend & I to come to dinner with them. So, we go...why not?! Have wine with dinner. Have a great time - great food, great wine, great people.

7. ?:?? p.m.: College Friend follows me back to my apartment. We are both shocked we make it there without incident. Commence craziness. This entails doing shots of ketle one vodka with wine chasers. Yeah. We are smart. We decide to take tons of drunk crazy pictures, and are trying to chat online with our mutual friend in South Korea. As it turns out, we're so drunk we can hardly type. After 4 or so shots of vodka (no lemon or sugar, because we're ROCK STARS) we decide we want pizza. Apparently I was trying to convince College Friend that I was totally cool to drive. Good thing we decided to order pizza.

8. 6:00 a.m., Saturday morning: Husband comes home tipsy from a tequila-infused night with the guys. I wake up to discover that both College Friend & I had passed out on the couches, the living room looks like an atomic bomb exploded. There are bits of spilled wine (red) EVERYWHERE. HA! College Friend, who has more memory of the night than I, tells me that we passed out in the middle of trying to decide who to order pizza from. It also turns out that in the 5 feet from the coffee table (scene of the drunken pictures) to the computer, the memory card was RAPTURED. Yeah, I can't find it.

I spent all day Saturday being incredibly hungover. Fun times for all. Ok, I gotta get ready to head out...

I have discovered another love!

I feel the need to talk. So, let's talk. First, I'll tell you what's going on with me.

1. Ok, I finally get what all this James Blunt fuss is about. I TiVo'd SNL from this last Saturday, and I keep watching his performances over and over. And, like, he's totally singing to me. Talk about making you feel like the most beautiful girl in the world (as do you, Prince).

2. I finished putting all my CD's into iTunes and now I have 2108 songs. That's 6.2 days of listening pleasure, people.

3. I made a Christmas music (or should I say Holiday music?) playlist, and I'm really excited about using that for my upcoming plane trip. There are 110 songs in this playlist. Is that alot? Am I a Christmas music whore? Help! I need affirmation!

4. My upcoming plane trip: I'm going to my aunt's in Chicago on the 17th! I'm closer to this aunt & uncle than I am to my parents, so I'm very excited to see them - it's been about a year since I saw them last. And have I mentioned how excited I am to SEE SNOW and wear my fabulously stylish wool coat that I got in NYC?

5. I actually left the apartment yesterday. Shocking, I know, as this entailed things like showering and applying makeup. I met a girl I went to college with and we went to this great little British Pub in Santa Monica for happy hour. Happy, indeed. $2.50 draft stella artois, yummy! At this delightful, non-LA pub, I saw a poster for (sit down) JAMES BLUNT COMING THERE THIS COMING FRIDAY to do autographs and just be his generally wonderful self. I'M SO EXCITED. This friend that I met yesterday & I are totally going to see him. Yes, this is the fun stuff you get to do when you're sitting in the luxurious lap of unemployment. Delightful.

6. Today was the deadline to apply to retake the Calbar. I thought about it, mostly because a particular friend (ahem, you know who you are) thought I should just go for it because I was so close, that with the easier scaling of the February exam, I'd probably pass. And yes, I was close. 12.5 points close, actually. And I'm super-duper ok with being that close, because it tells me that my hard work wasn't for naught. I did know my shit. It was just perhaps a grumpy grader. Because if I'd gotten 5 measly more points on 2 essays, I totally would have passed. Oh well. Anyways, my point: I thought about retaking it, and consciously and unemotionally decided NOT to. Yes, I will be a tad bit jealous of all of you getting sworn in tomorrow (and those who already did), but it's not hateful jealousy, just more like wistful jealousy.

7. I feel really, truly free after deciding not to retake the Calbar. I know this is not the place we're supposed to be, and although I've come to that realization kicking and screaming, and would have enjoyed living in northern California, I'm okay with that. The future is great that way - it provides a lovely little thing that this Calbar experience has done it's best to try and destroy - HOPE!

8. I've watched the movie Love, Actually way too many times in the past week.

9. I've been staying up super late every night. As in, I go to bed anytime between 1:00 a.m. and 3:00 a.m. And I know for some of you (EVE), that doesn't really sound late, but I'm normally a morning person. As in, whenever I have, oh say, a JOB, I get up at like 5:30/6:00 a.m. And I'm one of those annoying people who normally gets up early on the weekends, too - I just like getting up and feeling like you get so much accomplished and it's not even noon. And sleeping in makes me feel inherently lazy and worthless. But I'm not motivated enough to break the cycle. Augh.

10. How do they do those groovy HP commercials where the picture becomes real and vice versa?

11. One of my friends told me I need to get a hobby. So, I'm currently accepting submissions for a hobby idea. Cheap hobbies, preferrably.

12. Has anyone else noticed that the Blogger settings have changed so that you can't change the time of a post? This is aggravating to me, because I frequently get sidetracked when I'm writing a post, and so I like to change the time to reflect when I actually click on the "Publish Post" button. Since I seem to be prevented from doing so, I'd put the time for this post being published as: 12:15 a.m.

13. Ok, I'm boring myself, I think I've run out of things to talk about. Now, your turn.

Pilfering, at it's finest...

So, I totally pilfered this from a random blog I came across, and like any good plagiarist, I didn't note what site it was. Anyways, I think music says a lot about people, and felt like doing a fun, lazy post. So here's the deal: go to iTunes or whatever music program you use, and sort and search the following. And yes, I want ALL OF YOU to do this with me.

How many songs: 1690 (I haven't put all my CD's in yet...I'm lazy.)

'Sort by song title-
First Song: “40” by U2
Last Song: “Zwischenstuck” by ATB

Sort by time -
Shortest Song: “17” by Smashing Pumpkins
Longest Song: “A Long Day” by The Polyphonic Spree

Sort by album -
First Album: 0304 by Jewel (oh STOP JUDGING, it's a sucky album, I KNOW.)
Last Album: Zooropa by U2

Top Five Recently Played Songs: (this was originally Most Played Songs, but I like my version better. So there.)
1. "Sleigh Ride" by Harry Connick, Jr.
2. "Do They Know It’s Christmas?" by Band Aid
3. "Crooked Teeth" by Death Cab for Cutie
4. "An Honest Mistake" by The Bravery
5. "Waltz (Better Than Fine)" by Fiona Apple

First song that comes up on Shuffle: Fire by U2 (off of the October album)

Search:"sex", how many songs come up? 1 – “You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate
"death", how many songs come up? 16
"love", how many songs come up? 85
"you", how many songs come up? 167

listening to right now? “Have Yourself a Merry Little Xmas (Life)” by Coldplay

YAY FOR WINE!

How to make this gnome happy:

1. Yummy red wine.

2. The Pixies on Austin City Limits. Thank you, PBS, for being so cool.

3. Chocolate chips. Num.

Things are getting a bit stinky...

Husband: So, what do you want to do today?

Me: Oh, I thought it might be nice to take a shower.

Husband: Did you take a shower yesterday?

Me: No.

Husband: Come here! HIGH FIVE!

woo-hoo...it's December...

Wow. My day has been just chock full of activity:

1. I took a shower. I took a shower before 3:00 p.m.

2. I watched Ocean's Eleven.

3. I had a Corona.

4. Husband & I went grocery shopping and had a late lunch.

5. I watched Ocean's Twelve.

6. I played fetch with my cat (I swear he's more dog than cat).

7. I ate a banana with peanut butter (natural, creamy). Yummy.

8. I played a Bach Fugue (from the Well-Tempered Clavier, Book I) on my brand new, early Christmas present piano keyboard.

9. I am currently watching Snatch.

10. I am debating between having a beer, a glass of wine (red or white?), or a vodka cranberry. Hmmm. Decisions, decisions.

11. Husband has off from work tonight (he works nights) and so I think I may see just how late I can stay up tonight. Not like I have anything to get up for tomorrow...

12. Oh, I got a santa hat at the grocery store. I'm currently wearing it. I might take a picture of me wearing it. I might post said picture. But that's a lot of mights.

13. The cat thinks the white pom on the end of my santa hat is his personal chew toy. I think he's teething because he's chewing on everything. Do cats even teethe (sp?) or is he just being attitudinal?

14. I think I might watch the remake of The Thomas Crown Affair after Snatch is over, although Husband may kill me if I do since I've seen it approximately 5,000 times. And no, I'm not really exaggerating.

15. Phew! Exhausting, I tell you. What a busy day.

Yes, I'd like that...

This morning Husband was making me breakfast, and asked if I'd like a side of esteem with my bagel.

the dust has settled a bit...

Thanksgiving was nice. My parents came to visit. This was a bit nerve-wracking, because I haven't really had the best relationship with them. But things went well. We did a lot of sight seeing, cooking, eating, shopping...eating...eating...eating. (Yay for carbs.) My parents got the cat a laser pointer toy, and I've never seen a cat go so nuts before - he literally follow that about 3 1/2 feet up a wall.

And now that Thanksgiving is over, I just sort of feel a bit lost. I don't think it's really sunk in yet that I'm no longer employed. Can we say "denial"? I mean, I've had lots of other jobs, some full-time, some temp, some part-time, and I've never had any problems where I've worked...not to mention that I've never been fired.

So I've been listening to a lot of Death Cab for Cutie...and sort of just moping around. The cat has been nice companionship. I got a free pass to see an advanced screening for the movie The Producers tonight, but I never called in to tell them I was planning to go. And I'm not really feeling up for leaving the apartment. In fact, I sort of just want to crawl back into bed. And I would, except Husband is back to working nights, so he's sleeping right now.

I think this really fully explains where I'm at: if somebody gave me free money and told me to shopping and buy myself whatever I wanted, I'd probably say "thanks, just leave the money on the counter" and continue to lay here listelessly on the couch. Furthermore, if somebody told me to pack because they were giving me an all-expense paid island vacation, I'd probably just shrug and say "ok, do I have to go now?" And that, my friends, is saying a lot.

As far as FUTURE PLANS go, I haven't really settled on anything. Husband and I are thinking fairly seriously about Seattle, but we don't want to make any decisions until we've done our research. We're thinking about going up to Seattle for a few days in January to do some apartment hunting and hopefully job interviewing. The nice thing is that the company Husband works for is all over the states, and he can be transferred to any store in any state, so that just leaves me to find a job. Joy. Anyways, IF ANYONE HAS ANY WISDOM/TIDBITS/KNOWLEDGE TO IMPART ABOUT SEATTLE, PLEASE SHARE.

Ok, back to watching crappy daytime TV... *sigh*

Sympathy, part two...

Well, as if this week couldn't get worse, I GOT FIRED YESTERDAY.

First tell you that some of you were spot-on with your guesses that the Conversant from Monday's post was a higher up. In fact, it was MY BOSS. And this gets so much more unfuckingbelieveable ...

Let me preface this whole getting fired scenario with a little background info. First, my BOSS was about the most passive aggressive individual I've ever dealt with. Ever. On Monday afternoon, Boss asked me if I would drive him to where his car was being repaired. I didn't really feel comfortable with this, so I said I couldn't. He gets instantly upset and said in a highly pissed off voice: "well THANKS A LOT for helping me out."

I usually leave at around 4:00-4:15 p.m. At 3:45 p.m., the BOSS calls me into his office. If I would have had any inkling that I was about to get canned, I would have beaten him to the punch and resigned. But I didn't even see it coming. So, he says "I've talked to everyone, and while they all really like you as a person, EVERYONE feels that you're just not a team player, and we've decided that today will just go ahead and be your last day."

I respond with the only thing I can think of: "well, I think it's really better for all of us." Can we say LAME?!?

Since I still have some time before I would normally leave for the day, I go back out to make sure there are no loose ends and everything is tied up. So I'm in the middle of writing an email to a co-worker, telling her what else needs to be done on a few items, and he comes in and says "WHY are you still here? WHEN are you leaving?"

I respond: "well, I thought I would just stay until I normally leave."

Boss: "WHY?!" [keep in mind that he's saying everything tinged with anger.] "Why don't you just leave now?"

me: "well, I'm not that kind of person and I wanted to make sure there were no loose ends."

I don't quite remember, but me not being a "team player" was brought up again. And then I decided to spit back a little bit, so I said: "furthermore, I have talked to the associates, and that is not what they have intimated to me."

Boss: "WELL, that's the problem, THEY JUST CAN'T COMMUNICATE WITH YOU."

What?!? So, apparently nobody can communicate with me? That's just complete bullshit. Seriously. I had a great working relationship with everyone else in that firm, and everyone's take on the Boss is just essentially to roll their eyes. [Have I mentioned the high turnover rate at this firm?]

Anyways, he asks me several times if I've left my key, and escorts me down in the elevator. And in the elevator, he says, in the most annoyed voice ever: "good luck with Indiana or Illinois or wherever it is that you're going to."

He had the file clerk accompany me to my car and out of the parking garage so I could give her my parking card. I mean, seriously. He even had my last check ready. And it wasn't coming from the usual paycheck source - it was handwritten from the firm's general account.

The thing is, I honestly think it was him who thought I wasn't a team player because I wouldn't take him to get his car. Really.


So, really, I think the past 5 days have just TAKEN THE CAKE. WHITE FLAG! WHITE FLAG!

Sympathy is NOT billable!

An ACTUAL conversation I had today:

Conversant: I could ask, but I'm guessing you didn't pass the bar.

Me: That's correct.

Conversant: Well, it's only six months out of your life, you'll just have to do it again. You'll get over it.

Me: Actually, I'm not going to be taking the California Bar Exam again.

Conversant: WHAT?!!

Me: Husband & I are planning to move out of state sometime around February.

Conversant (with palpable distaste and contempt): WHY NOT? CAN YOU NOT HANDLE IT? IT IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO DEAL WITH? You're just going to AVOID it and move out of the state?

Me: Well, Husband & I moved out here from Michigan kind of on a lark, and it hasn't worked out well. We have never really adjusted to living out here, and have never enjoyed it. Furthermore, neither of us has family out here, and we're just not happy living here.

Conversant: Well, I should hope your attitude improves about this, because I don't want you moping about this still by Friday.

Me (cheeks getting red with shocked anger): I should hope everyone would be understanding today.

Conversant: Of course.

Me: What do you mean, then?

Conversant: Well, I don't want you bringing down the MORALE of this firm. So I hope you're not still moping by the end of the week.


And all the people said: unFUCKINGbelievable.

doesn't this just SUCK

Apparently, the cosmic gods are trying to tell me something: passing the California bar exam was not meant to be.

I. GET. IT.

The strange thing is that I'm not emotional, just sort of in shock and "huh?!". I just don't get it. I'm really trying to embrace the "it is what it is" approach, but I'm still just gobsmacked. Obviously, it wasn't the right time and it wasn't meant to be, at least not right now. But damn, if this doesn't just completely blow.

And please, no pity. My fractured ego and self-respect is tenuous as it is, and I have the very big task ahead of me of going into work on Monday and swallowing whatever dignity I have left. So no urban legends, no pity, please.

oh, lordy

My heart is going to pound right through my chest.

Crickey.

holy shit

My anxiety is interfering with my ability to write in anything other than lists. Here are my current anxiety-addled thoughts:

1) The good news is that tomorrow this mindfuck of a process will be over.

2) What kind of sicko set up this terrible California bar exam process?

3) What kind of sociopath decided that after studying for 2-3 months, you should be forced to wait for four ridiculous months for the results of a three day test.

4) I think there's a special place in hell for the people behind #3 above, especially the four month waiting process.

5) Tonight Husband took me for non-fish sushi (cucumber/avocado rolls) and then shopping for vodka & chocolate. I think I'm set for tomorrow night.

6) I don't want to go to work tomorrow but I don't want to stay at home tomorrow either. I don't think I'll be able to focus or come down off my mental ledge at either place, so I might as well just go to work and be a mess there so I'm not burning a hole in my carpet pacing.

7) I cannot tell you how much I think I will come undone if I have to go through this process again.

8) I want to pass this damn exam. I want to pass it so badly I cannot breath properly.

9) I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack before 6:00 p.m. tomorrow.

10) I think I need to invent a way to get alcohol intravaneously, for moments like these.

Way to go, me...

So, apparently you can stress yourself SICK.

*sigh*

Time, you evil little wench.

The worst. possible. thing. ever: being already fairly panic-stricken and not having enough work to keep you busy, so you are forced to sit and think...and think...and panic...and panic...and oh, crap.

I just can't believe it's already monday...night. My stomach feels like an acid factory, and I have this lovely tightness around my chest. Hello, stress, soooooo glad to have you back.

Where did the past 4 months go? Seriously? Don't get me wrong: I'm soooooo ready for this whole process to be over - I'd like to be able to plan my future and get out of this holding pattern I've been in. But I just don't think I'll EVER be able to prepare for the possibility of not being able to move on.

Look ma, no hands!

This weekend my mother-in-law is coming for a visit. Unfortunately, I don't get tomorrow off, so that means doing snatch cleaning here and there. When it comes to me cleaning, Husband can attest to the fact that I can be a bit...ah...neurotic. Hee hee. I've been noticing lately how my couches were looking a bit hairy (thank you, cat), and it was kind of skeeving me out. So on the way home from work I stopped at Home Depot to rent a steam cleaner.

This was an excellent idea in theory.

First of all, if you're going by yourself to rent a steam cleaner, you should prepare yourself for some awkward lifting. Seriously. It took me a good 10 minutes to figure out how to get it into my trunk. And I was still wearing work clothes.

Secondly, you're supposed to vaccum your furniture first. And yes, when the directions suggest vaccuming first, they really do mean it. And yes, the steam cleaning works much better after the furniture's been vaccumed. Ha! Oh, and it takes a few hours for the furniture to dry out, even when you cover the furniture with blankets, so the cat can't frolic around on the wet-ish couches and make them all furry again.

Also, you may want to think twice about taking Husband's brand new car to return the rented steam cleaner, as it is extremely likely you'll drop the steam cleaner while putting it into the trunk, because the steam cleaner is so freaking awkard & heavy-ish to lift, and you will end up scratching the crap out of Husband's new car's bumper. Crap!

How to have a fabulous ending to a great weekend...

1. Start with a clean apartment.

2. Lather and rinse in a freshly cleaned bathroom.

3. Add in two freshly washed towels (love that downey-cleaned smell).

4. Mix in freshly washed pajamas (ditto for the downey).

5. Finish off on the couch with a glass of wine, kitten purring on your legs, catching up on TiVo.

ahhhhhh....

I heart margaritas

Here's how to have an excellent evening:

1) go to Chili's.

2) order an El Nino Margarita. (Be prepared for the toxic levels of alcohol contained therein.)

3) order chips & salsa, because trust me, by the time you get to the bottom of the El Nino, you'll want something to munch on.

4) Decide to go bowling.

5) Happen to be dressed fairly damn sexy, because you had originally dressed for a date, not for bowling.

6) get ogled, with accompanying lewd and lascivious comments, while waiting to order a beer, from an incredibly intoxiated individual.

7) avoid thinking about the objectification aspect of being ogled, and instead focus on the fact that your barzam weight gain resulted in incredible cleavage, which has stuck around while your post-barzam diet/exercise program has resulted in loss of weight. Hooray for cleavage!

55-friday will bite your ankles

She decided to sit with herself for a bit, mulling over the bits and pieces of conversation they'd shared. She knew she was reaching the inevitable conclusion.

Pensively, she raised the glass to her lips in a silent toast. They'd lived an excessively robust life, that was for sure.

"Congratulations," she said with a sigh.

Murphy, murphy, murphy...

1) Murphy's law says that the night you really need sleep will be the night you toss and turn for an hour, unable to fall into blissful slumber.

2) Murphy's law says that once you actually do fall asleep, a FALSE FIRE ALARM WILL GO OFF AT 1:30 A.M., keeping you awake for a full hour before it gets turned of and you can fall back asleep.

3) Murphy's law says that the day you are so tired everything hurts and you can hardly think straight, the other shoe you didn't know was hanging above you will drop with a loud, resounding thud. Oh, fuck.

Oh, I've got orange nails all right...

I don't really have anything specific to say or a point to make, and while I hate doing a post where I'm just blabbing, I feel I need to write something, especially since I skipped out on 55-friday. So here are some random thoughts.

1. I've really been craving pickles lately. And no, it's not pregnancy-related.

2. I painted my nails orange today, in honor of the great HALLOWEEN tomorrow.

3. I saw "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" this past week for the first time ever. And yes, Linus, I believe you!

4. I went shopping yesterday and got new shower gel and a black cardigan, to replace one that just crapped out on me this last week.

5. I discovered that Bath & Body Works only gets ONE shipment of fall-scented items, in August, and once it's gone, there's NO MORE. Which includes all things pumpkin-scented, even shower gel. It's not even HALLOWEEN, people. There is something wrong with your store's merchandising selections when it's not even halloween yet and your main store display is Christmas. Seriously. Is there anything wrong with waiting until Thanksgiving for this?

6. I watched several scary halloween movies which required vodka shots for my viewing ability.

7. Decided that I'm definitely getting too old to be doing vodka shots, especially when they come in multiples.

8. Decided that Jane magazine is most emphatically not the same magazing that got me through college and law school without Jane Pratt the founder and editor for 9 years. *sniff*. Jane Pratt, you OWE your loyal readers (yes, I've been with the magazine from the get go) an explanation as to WHY THE HELL YOU LEFT.

9. Decided that instead of carving a pumpkin, I would instead paint one with glue and then cover it in super fine glitter, a la Martha Stewart. I have now done two in this fashion: a tiny one and a medium-sized one, both in super fine copper-colored glitter, and they both look gorgeous. I will post a picture as soon as Husband decides to unearth the rechargable batteries and charge them for our camera. (So no holding your breath.)

10. Am not really sure how ready I am for Monday to be happening to me tomorrow. Ugh.

11. Am weighing all the ramifications of having a second glass of chardonnay...and another pickle slice.

my TV was steaming...

I just watched an episode of the Tonight Show that I had on TiVo (I think it was from yesterday or the night before) and the musical guest was Institute - which just so happens to be Gavin Rossssssssdale's new band. And can I just say how yummmmmmmy he is?!? Watching him move with that guitar...HOT DAMN! Oh, and I thought the music was fairly good, too.

Hello, stress...glad to have you back

Sunday night I had something akin to a panic attack. I was laying in bed, waiting for sleep to catch up with me, and suddenly I was like hyperventilating thinking about checking bar results and the potential of seeing that I hadn't passed the bar. Again. And oh my god, I'm just not sure I'll be able to handle that again. On Monday morning I woke up with one of the biggest caker sores I've ever had, and today I feel another one sprouting on the other side of my mouth. Joy, oh joy.

Anyways, I'm just feeling a little strung out and fragile and had to share. Now: send the lurve.

7-7-7 tagged

Ok, so Chai tagged me for this:

7 things I plan to do before I die
1. learn how to ballroom dance
2. play violin at carnegie hall
3. be a published author
4. learn to speak Spanish and French fluently
5. live abroad
6. own a Boesendorfer
7. become a pastry chef

7 things I can do
1. edit (papers, etc.)
2. play musical instruments (violin & piano)
3. bake a mean pie and batch of chocolate-chip cookies from scratch
4. be extraordinarily, incredibly, wonderfully organized
5. be empathetic/a good listener/a good friend
6. pick out really awesome gifts for my friends
7. give myself a french manicure and pedicure

7 things I cannot do
1. speak any other languages
2. dance, ballroom or otherwise
3. cook gourmet food
4. be unorganized/spontaneous
5. ignore/get sucked into a TV when it’s on
6. take big risks (sky diving, gambling, etc.)
7. sleep in

7 things that attract me to another person
1. melancholiness/being artistic
2. genuine-ness
3. a splendid dark, sarcastic sense-of-humor
4. someone who gives you space to be you without asking for explanations or apologies
5. respect
6. education
7. loyalty

7 things that I say the most
1. oh my god
2. groovy
3. shut up
4. oy vey
5. crap
6. shit
7. fuck

7 people I want to do this
1. Kav
2. S
3. Utopaforia
4. ladyberries
5. Cari G
6. Eve-Marie
7. JM

55 - this won't hurt a bit

"Let's get started. You won't feel a thing, now lay back and try to relax."
"Ah, um, okay. Just try to make it quick."
"Are you ready?"
"Oh, right, like you can ever really prepare for this."
"Okay, take a deep breath and close your eyes."
"Just get it over with already."
Ah, dental exams.

HA, I WIN...neener neener

I think I have SOLVED our little cat-on-the-counter problem. First I should say that the way our living room is shaped and where our cable is at, there are only so many options for where things can go. That being the case, we have our loveseat couch underneath an short overhang counter that's next to our couch. It's like one of the bar-type counters, but it's too short to actually warrant bar stools.

I tried to move the furniture around, and that just DID NOT work. And having the loveseat underneath the counter was just an invitation for the cat to walk right up there and get his little beastly nose into my cooking. NOT ACCEPTABLE. I did a little internet research, and saw a lot about putting aluminum foil on counters, because cats hate the sound/feel of it. Well, that worked the FIRST time. Little devil. So I hunted down some double-sided carpet tape, and taped the crap out of my counter. The next morning after the institution of the tape (which pisses Husband off, as he can no longer just leave his glass laying around. HA. It's a two-fer) I saw four little paw prints on one side of the counter, but that's it.

And the tape has been on the counter for over 24 hours, and there's only those four little prints. NO MORE! And I've seen my little devil-cat come right up to the counter, think about it, and change his mind. HA! I WIN!

the 55 that just wouldn't come

I've had about 5 false starts and I just don't think the fiction muse will be visiting me today.

In other news, it turns out we adopted a pyscho kitty. Oh, and let's not forget about the attitude this kitty is sporting. But it certainly is keeping us entertained! He's still a little love whore, but now his personality is coming out. You should see the way he tears around this apartment! You'd think he was cracked out on catnip.

Ok, back to my glass of wine and watching the girl's team getting torn up on Donald's Apprentice. Oooh....this is gonna' be good...

New addition...

On the hunt...

So, here's the new family addition! His name upon adoption was "Mr. Winky", which we are phasing out in favor of "Jiminy"...as in jiminy cricket. I wanted to name him Jimmy, as in Jimmy Choo, because he looks like he's wearing shoes, but first of all, he's an he, and "Jimmy" just didn't really work when I tried it out. I couldn't get him to just sit still for a picture, because that shoelace in the bottom right of the picture needed to be ATTACKED.

We adopted him on Sunday, and just got him last night after he got fixed. He's an incredibly loving little guy, although he woke me up at 4:30 am to cuddle. That's going to have to be addressed, because this gnome doesn't function well with a 4:30 am wakeup call.

Anyways, just had to share...now send the love!

oh how I love halloween...

In an effort to save money, Husband & I decided to hit up the local Blockbuster for date night. In the spirit of the holiday, we decided to forego the Chris Rock video in lieu of seasonal choices. What did we get? Well, we got 2 choices: Dracula (the one with Wynona Rider) and Dawn of the Dead.

Why do I think I can handle scary movies? I don't know. I! CAN'T! Which is why I happen to be typing this while the movie is on. I can't just sit still and watch it. It's freakin' me out! And yes, I realize it's a stupid movie, but I grew up in a very Footloose type of environment, and movies get to me. Oh, I can handle religious type freaky movies, but that's about it.

So this is the beginning of about a month of getting through scary movies. Wish me luck.

The way to this gnome's heart

Husband has gone above and beyond. First, he looked at me on Thursday and said he wanted to clean the apartment this weekend so I could enjoy my weekend and not worry about it. This alone is an incredible thing. But add to that his getting me a beautiful fall flower arrangement (picture will be forthcoming) and going to the grocery store yesterday, and all that adds up to one extremely happy wife. And I think we all know that when there's a happy wife, there's a happy husband.

This happy wife is going to go enjoy her Saturday.

feeling a little chatty...

It's the end of a very long week, and I've just ingested probably 10 ounces of wine (yes, I'm being obnoxious: keeping a food journal, counting calories) and I'm feeling CHATTY. I don't really have anything to say, which is a first for me. Usually I only post when I have something to say, because I hate it when people just ramble on and on. So I'll try not to. I guess all I really want to say is "HI!".

Oh, and that I did a really I'm-the-bigger-person thing tonight. See, I had this roommate during one year of lawschool, and she was the 'bad' roommate. There were three of us living together, and while 2 of us sort of maybe ganged up on the 'bad' roommate (oh, STOP JUDGING, you would have done the SAME thing), she certainly played her part. Anyways, I decided to embrace adulthood and I wrote her a very nice, "I was terrible" sort of email. And I really tried to make sure it was sincere.

Anyways, I guess that's about it. Hope everyone is doing swell out there in blog-land.

time for 55 again...

"Sit down" he instructed. "Well, I've done a little checking into our records, and we have encountered a little problem." Shit, she thought, there's no way around this. "What do you have you to say for yourself?" She rolled her eyes; "I guess there's no excuse, I just got carried away...Prada's just so expensive."

a Fiona Apple a day keeps the blues away...

Fiona Apple

All I have to say is this: you all need to rush out and BUY THIS CD IMMEDIATELY!!! It is absolutely, positively fabulous, and well worth the wait. It's so fabulous to have you back, Fiona!

Homicidal maniac, courtesy of Target

Today I set out to do a little shopping - but not just any shopping, it was an on-a-mission type of shopping day. I was out to get magazine storage boxes, like this, in an effort to have a lovely, Martha-Stewart-ly organized apartment.

I started my quest at TJ Maxx, thinking that they might have some for a decent price. Well that was a no-go, so I decided to go to Ross (like TJ Maxx), because they usually have a bigger 'home' area. They had 2 different options, but they were clunky and I want sleek, non-clunky one. Let me also mention that Ross was crazy busy, to the point where I was almost at the end of my patience and nerves.

Since this particular Ross is right next to a Target, I decided to go check out Target. Oh, I am a stupid, stupid girl. First of all, this Target is always completely crazy and a pig sty. Seriously, I've never been in there where there haven't been nearly all the carts filled with merchandise to be re-shelved. No, I'm not kidding. And this Target is not in a bad area of Los Angeles. I don't get it. But today I forgot that this Target makes me crazy every time I go in there, and this time was no exception. Not only was it complete chaos, but apparently, OCTOBER 2ND IS THE DAY TO GO SCHOOL-SUPPLY/DORM ROOM SHOPPING. OMG. What a total and complete nightmare. And apparently, TARGET doesn't carry/sell those magazine organizers. Of course, because that would make sense. It took everything in me under the heading of decency not to yell "get the hell out of my way!" at the top of my lungs while waiving my arms crazily about.

In any event, I got out without losing my mind or committing manslaughter (which undoubtedly would have fallen under the "heat of passion" category). Apparently, I still have some rage issues left over from the bar. Who knew?

Welcome to the neighborhood!

There's a new kid on the block, and everyone should go check HER out. She's one very cool cat, so go and enjoy!


This has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that her current post is about me. I'm serious about the fact that she's groovy and you all ought to become fans.

55-lunchtime-fry-day

The following in no way was influence by the great chocolate-fudgy-coffee-cake-of-addiction that happened to be in the office this morning for breakfast. And my constant eating thereof. Just so we're clear.


It was called 'The Great Chocolate Downfall of Mrs. Soother', the type of incident that caused moral people to gossip and stare. Mrs. Soother's good intentions had gone awry; she'd nibbled her way to the highest reaches of company infamy. When she yelled "3,000 pounds is the limit, stay off!", people sprinted for the stairs.

Letter to the man who prances around in his Speedo...

Sir:

Look, I'm sure you're a very nice man. When I saw you prancing around the apartment complex wearing only your cobalt-blue speedo and tennis shoes, sans towel, I looked the other way. Sure, it gave me the shivers, seeing as how you are my father's age and haven't an ounce of body fat, but I thought hey, it's Los Angeles, to each their own.

But when you took it a step further and started hiking your speedo down so I can see your CRACK while sunbathing, this becomes completely and ridiculously disgusting. Seriously, sir, your ASS CRACK is kissing the air. Not only are you already knocking on melanoma's door, but when your speedo abuse starts to infringe on one of the true joys in my life - namely, lounging by the pool on a Sunday afternoon enjoying a corona, this becomes personal.

How about we make a deal? You can continue to sashay your way around the apartment wearing your teensy-weensy cobalt-blue speedo and tennis shoes and I will just look the other way. But this business of pushing down your speedo so your ass crack is exposed simply has to STOP! Please! Stop, for the love of god!

Thanks, I'm glad we had this chat.

55 FRY-DAY

A singular dream - what fixation he possessed! His whole life devoted to impressing and winning her back with such singular focus! And what potential for utter desolation. Straightening his shoulders, he resolved not give up; he would confront the future and all it's terrors with steel resolve. If only he'd known what was to come.



So perhaps some of you will recognize that I just finished listening to The Great Gatsby on CD during commuting to work, in which I was totally and completely enchanted. And don't give me any crap about the fact that this wasn't a complete original...this is just what was swimming around my head and I think I had to purge it to be able to move on. In any event, it is what it is. So there.

Oh, sad day 'tis this...

So, not only did I find out some very sad news in my family (no deaths, just sadness), but I also got some tragic news from the spca joint. Apparently, we can't adopt Danny because of our 'pet history'. Let me explain, for those of you rushing to judge me & Husband straight away as bad pet keepers. Before we moved out to Los Angeles, we had 2 pets: a German Shepherd and a black stray cat.

First, the dog, Waya: when we moved out here, our apartment did not accept dogs. Further, where we lived in Michigan before moving here was on 10 acres in the woods, where Waya could assert her dominance over neighborhood deer, etc. Since Husband & I knew there would be NO WAY we'd be able to buy a house and were unable to find an apartment with a big enough yard, we thought it would be cruel to move a dog used to Michigan weather and wide open spaces and to California weather and a small apartment. Not to mention NO DEER. So, we did a lot of searching and found her a home with a wonderful woman who breeds German Shepherds and had plenty of room for her to run around on. Further, she knew Waya, and lived just down the street from where we lived, so it would be less of an adjustment for her. And yes, this completely devastated Husband, but we honestly felt we were doing what was best.

Now, the cat: our cat, Kennedy, had liver shunts. We couldn't afford the $4,000 surgery to find out whether the shunts were inside or outside the liver and whether they would be able to fix them, but suffice it to say, Kennedy was a very sick cat. The vet gave us no hope as to his survival, and thought the best option would be to send him to kitty heaven. We really didn't want to do that, but he was so sick that we thought driving him out in the move, being in a car for 4 days would probably do quite a number on him. So, my parents graciously took him in and provided him with a comfortable life until he went on to kitty heaven.

So understand my indignation when the spca woman told me that we are not acceptable to them as adoptive parents, and that we will never be able to adopt from them, and tough shit. We had already twice explained our pet history to the spca quite indepthly, and I went over it again with the woman, and she did her utmost to make me feel like a complete ass, saying "well, some of us will go to great length to keep our animals." THANKS, YOU HEARTLESS, CRUEL WENCH.

So the long and short of it is that we won't be adopting Danny. *sniff*. I had a good cry about it and am now just sad, but hopefully he finds a great home, soon. Husband is at work for another 2 hours, and I'm really not looking forward to telling him. Hopefully we'll be able to find the right cat for us, but I'm just really sad tonight.

I think it's time to hit the wine.

And for any of you about to post a mean comment, just DON'T.

Hardy har har

This morning as I was shaving, the song "Welcome to the Jungle" popped in my head. Thank you, GNR.

Lesson of the day

Good: cubes of extra-firm tofu sauteed so that they are nice and firm on the outside and soft on the inside.

Bad: cubes of extra-firm tofu sauteed to within an inch of their lives, not terribly unlike corn nuts.

OH, Danny boy!

Ever since we lost our kitty (he was a stray with serious liver problems...*sniff*...) we've really been wanting to get another. Not to replace our kitty, but because we really want another animal, and our apartment doesn't allow dogs. And besides, I'm a cat person.

This morning I went to get my hair cut...(which turned out quite nicely, and when I'm satisfied with my haircut, you know it's a good cut, because I'm NEVER happy with my hair. Really - I have really thick, obnoxious hair that for some reason, 95% of the hairdressers (is that the appropriate term?) are completely and totally unable to cut. It's ridiculous.)

Anyways, during the haircut, I called Husband to come and meet me and we'd have lunch and catch the movie Corpse Bride (I'm a *HUGE* Johnny Depp fan - you know how couples have their list of 3 non-realistic alternative options? I only have 1 on my list - Mr. Depp.). We had a lovely lunch outside, and then decided to meander into a nearby mall because we have this little tradition of going to this kitty adoption center (an SPCA joint) so I can get my "kitty fix".

We get to this SPCA place (which is in a mall), and there's where we discover Danny. He seemed like a quiet cat, fairly mellow, and the little tag with his information said he was about 2 years old. We bent down beside him in his cage (which could fit a few people quite comfortably, btw) and I asked him if he wanted to come home with us...to which he let out the softest, cutest little "mew" (it wasn't a full "meow"). All of a sudden, the "kitty fix" turned into Husband looking to me and saying "so, what do you think..." I say "about what?" He says "about adopting him?". WHA????

As Husband is filling out the application, we go inside Danny's cage (the size of a small room) to pet him and see if there's a connection. It turns out that Danny is about the sweetest cat alive! He's incredibly affectionate and sweet and just the cutest little attention whore you've ever seen! He's a fairly small/thin cat - his paws are very little and so cute! Oh, and he's gray tiger stripe.

They said they liked everything about us, but that there's one potential snag: apparently, Danny has a brother, Armstrong, who is a little sick. They're going to be doing some bloodwork on Armstrong to see if it's something genetic or hereditary...because they don't want us getting a sick cat. We'll find out in about a week whether or not we get to bring Danny home. And all this might not turn out, but I just had to share because I'm super excited at the prospect of having a furry little creature again!

It's still Friday in my time zone...

I know I've been slacking, but here's my 55 Fiction-Friday, for better or for worse...

Meandering through the crowds, she suddenly caught his eye. Of all the inadvertent luck, she thought. "Hey - do you think you could..." "No", she cut in abruptly. How could he - no, what on earth was he thinking? Didn't he know how wrong he was? How heartless, to confront her about the cell phone bill now?

I heart Martha

Since I am now the proud parent of a TiVo system, I have been able to record lots of fun stuff to watch when I get home in the evenings. It's been fabulous.

So in addition to recording Conan and Ellen, I've been recording Martha. And I just have to say, I HEART MARTHA. I've never been a huge fan of hers - I was more ambivalent; I'd buy her magazines, but she seemed like one of those women for whom all other women feel inadequate in a 'housewifely' way. Especially me! But all that has changed after seeing her show. Oh, sure, I'd never want to have to actually exhibit any of those 'housewifely' skills (what else do you call them? 'domestic diva' skills?) in front of her, but she's so much fun and down to earth on her show! I just thinks she's great!

Seriously, it's one of the most entertaining & learning-filled shows (the stuff she shows is stuff that even I could do). If you haven't watched it yet, you need to! It's fabulous! Go, go now and enjoy! It certainly mitigates any grrrrrr-ishness that occurs from LA traffic.

The source of unspeakable sadness...

The tragic shoes

Do you see how the left shoe footbed is completely split from the bottom half? How the hell does that even happen?!? And aren't they just such fun, sexy shoes? Do you see now why I can't just part with them?

update: the blistered feet

It seems some of you are highly worried about the state of my feet after being a slave to fashion and wearing blister-inducing shoes on my first day of work. Well, thanks for the worry! I was doing okay - most of the blisters hadn't popped yet or had just kind of deflated on their own without popping (that wierds me out a bit) ... until I decided to go for a walk with Husband on Friday night... and popped one of those blisters.

So, now I have a big ugly popped blister sore on my right foot, by my big toe (right where the strap of a flip-flop would lie). We have these nifty little square band-aids, and I wore one tonight for date night.

All was going well with my feet on the date - we went for a lovely and ridiculously filling meal at the Cheesecake Factory (neither of us can eat cheesecake, so we brought home a piece of sinful fudge sex cake) and so I wore my sexy sandal heels. Now, these are about the only pair of sexy heels I own, and I love these shoes more than, well, a lot of things (but not that sinful fudge sex cake). Now, I've had these shoes for probably 4 or 5 years, but have only worn them a handful of times (for when I'm feeling especially sassy), and when we got home, the shoes died. Seriously, the left shoe foot-bed part split completely apart from the soul/heel part - as if the glue decided it was time to go to glue heaven. This is just tragic.

*sigh*.

Anyone know how much it would cost me to get my shoe glued back together? I don't remember how much I paid for them (I got them at DSW), but they are designer shoes (a serious, expensive designer, at that) and I don't think I can continue to cope without them.

This is just so sad. Where's that sinful fudge sex cake and my glass of wine....

oooooooh...just when I thought life couldn't get better...

...it totally did.

I got home from work today, and Husband (who had today off) is looking as pleased with himself as the cat who finally caught the canary. What did he do to warrant such unbridled pride, you ask? HE! WENT! AND! GOT! A! TIVO! TODAY!

I have been wanting a TIVO for a lifetime and a half, but we haven't been able to afford it. Until now. Husband has had various Playstations, but every single one he gets is retarded - they work for about 3 months and then you can't watch a DVD on them. Which is a vital element in this house because the DVD player we got for our wedding died an agonizing death a year after our wedding (it wasn't a cheap piece of crap, either). So, when the latest Playstation model decided to go to gaming heaven, Husband decided he was tired of dealing with it, so he took the refund check and surprised me with a TIVO! today.

I am still beside myself with absolute glee.

In other news, I think the Fat Camp Police will be coming to arrest me shortly. I've been doing absolutely dismally this week. Hopefully tomorrow I will start making better choices. Augh.

Off to play with my TIVO!


Update: I never knew that programming a TIVO could be this glee-inducing! I've just spent the last hour putting in programs and messing with the settings. This is like crack!

It was a GRRRREAT day!

I had a FABULOUS first day of work! It couldn't have gone better! I was just glad there weren't any massive screwups...of course eventually it will happen, I'm just glad it wasn't on my first day.

The only thing that sucked was that my shoes completely tore up my feet. Seriously, I have blisters all over my feet. It sucks. I so wasn't thinking this morning when I thought I could go from wearing my comfy, broken-in flip-flops every day to wearing HEELS. And not just any heels. No. Slip-on, mule-type heels. I don't think my baby toes will ever recover. Which will make tomorrow interesting, trying to figure out which dress shoes hurt the least.

Off to enjoy my good-first-day-of-work glass of wine...

Well, if I ever thought I was still just a spring chicken...

...now I know I am emphatically NOT. Husband & I went to Target tonight. While I was poking around the $1 section, these junior-high age girls called me "LADY"...as in "watch out for the LADY" as they were throwing items at each other. LADY. Lady! How can I possibly continue to indulge my ridiculous fantasy that I'm still really just a college kid in an adult life when young girls are calling me a 'lady'?!

This, on the eve of me commencing work tomorrow morning. *Sigh*. And speaking of having to actually get up tomorrow morning at the god-awful hour of 6:30 am, I'm off to bed. Wish me luck tomorrow!

Hang on, kids, things are about to get a little rough...

R.I.P., Chief Justice...I'm very afraid things are about to get very scary for women's rights. Heaven help us.

today = lessons learned

1. If you don't have these, attempting to use wax paper to bake cookies instead does NOT work. In fact, smoke will start to pour from your oven, and your fire alarm will go off.

2. If you don't have the brown sugar required by a chocolate-chip cookies recipe, you can make it yourself by mixing molasses & granulated sugar. (The mixing ratio is on the molasses bottle).

3. Using said mixture in chocolate-chip cookies does NOT result in normal flavored chocolate-chip cookies. Using this molasses-mixture-brown-sugar-substitute makes the chocolate-chip cookies taste like molasses.

4. Further, using said mixture in the cookies makes the cookies come out quite an unpalatable color of brown - not burned brown, but more like shit brown.

begging off 55-fiction friday...

I just can't do the fiction today. I'm afraid all that would come out would be completely non-fiction, dealing with Katrina...and I'm just too emotionally exhausted to go there right now.

So sorry, no fiction today. Life and it's horrors are just too overwhelming.

the good news keeps a' comin'...

So.....I GOT THE JOB!!! I'm very excited! I'm not going to be writing about it at all - knowing me, I wouldn't be able to walk that fine line of not saying too much. And I think it's just smarter not to say anything at all.

In any event, I had to share the great news. I start Tuesday, so it's going to be a long weekend of debauching and getting all my immaturity out of the way, so I'm ready to be a working adult by next week. Any ideas for enjoying these last few days of daytime TV and alcohol at any hour of the day?

and now, for something completely different...

I HAVE AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW!!!

WOO-HOO!

YAY FOR ME!

can't...stop...somebody...help...

So, if I'm not working and not shopping due to the lack of income, what have I been doing, you ask? I have been sucked into the ridiculous cuteness that is THIS.

I can't take it anymore!

internet saga part III: all limbs MIA

(I tried, I really tried, to be all clever and put links to the parts I and II of this saga, but I just don't have the patience to figure out what I'm doing wrong. So you'll have to scroll down the page. Sorry, kids.)

Oh, this is just getting downright hysterical. Really.

I should have known things were going to go nowhere when the technician mentioned that there was a "closed, be back at 9:00 a.m." sign on the door...at 4:15 p.m. HA!

After a few calls, I finally raised someone in the office, who happened to be on a conference call and because she didn't know how long it would be, put the 'closed' sign on the door. Golly, I just love the dysfunctionality of this management. She tells me that the woman in what is fast becoming the holy grail of apartments is refusing to let anyone enter her apartment unless she is home. Oh, but she's happy to come home from work to be there. That's if someone from the leasing office happens to be able to actually reach her at her work.

And the really gorgeous bit about this is that the office apparently *tried* to call and tell us this USEFUL bit of information yesterday, but discovered that (this is truly brilliant) they didn't have our phone number. Because it's not like they can't put a freaking note on our doornob. And this has been since yesterday, people. They had the entirety of today, as well, given that the technician didn't get here until 4:00 pm.

So where does that leave us? Well, the technician (as it turns out, some contract guy the cable company had come out) is convinced that this woman is STEALING CABLE and that's why she doesn't want anyone in her apartment. And Husband says, with a smug look, that's what he's thought all along. Rrrrrrrrrright.

We still have the temporary connection, and if we can actually talk to anyone in the leasing office to find out when this wiley woman will be around tomorrow to tell the comcast people, we'll actually be able to get this (shocking thought) taken care of.

Oh, and with this temporary connection, the internet is continuously going in and out...during the course of typing this entry, it's gone out like 4 times. Lovely. The power of the holy grail apartment is far reaching and not to be underestimated. Be afraid, be very afraid.

55~Fiction~Friday

I know I missed last week - but I didn't have internet!!! Hopefully this will make up for it. Oh, and thanks to Eve for the idea!

She sighed, surveying the pieces of her life; tables filled with knick-knacks, old dishes, stacks of books, movies, records, yearbooks. How on earth had she managed to become the owner and provide a home to so much? She fingered a green-haired troll; did discarded items knew they were being cast off, unwanted, sold?

loss of limb-internet saga part II

SO, Husband had the day off yesterday. Before the technician came, he went down to the leasing office to double check that all systems were 'go' for this quick, 5 minute repair (so swears the technician). Everything seemed to point to our little internet problem getting, oh, FIXED.

The technician arrived. He got into the apartment on the first floor, the problem wasn't there. He went to enter the apartment directly below mine, only to discover that the leasing office didn't specify where in the apartment they needed access to, so the people in that apartment LOCKED THE DOOR leading to the bedroom/bathroom wherein the closet with the problem cable wire resides. And the management of course doesn't have a key to this lock (that the tenant put on).

SO. The office did another 24-hour notice and this whole madness will hopefully be remedied this afternoon around 3:30 pm. Unless, of course, this tenant decided to put a lock on the closet containing the cable wire. Which I wouldn't be AT ALL surprised with at this point.

After much resistance, Husband convinced the leasing office to give us permission for the technician to run a temporary cable wire outside the building. We have to keep the sliding door open to our porch, and the cable wire runs down the side of the building, but I DON'T CARE. I have internet & TV, however temporary the situation turns out to be.

OK, and by way of reality check, I have on a morning show on Fox and they're showing this apartment building fire that's just started - the smoke is black, so the fire is still with full fury. I can't imagine being at work and, say, going into a break room and discovering that it's your apartment that's going up in flames. I guess my week hasn't been so bad! But really, how many of you apartment-dweller readings have apartment insurance? It's things like this that make me thing I really need to get it.

Just cut off my right arm next time and we'll call it even-steven

AUGHHH!

I have been without internet & basic cable for a day over a solid week. It feels like 6 months. I never knew how debilitating not having internet access could possibly be!

Here's the story, people. Last week, I was enjoying my free preview of every cable station known to man (a nice perk of having basic cable - they give you free previews every now and again). I turned it off to work out, came back and BAM! NOTHING. No internet. No cable. Gone was the TLC/MTV/Discovery station orgy. *sniff*. But really, NO INTERNET?!?!?! GASP! You have got to be kidding.

And so begins the messy and rage-inducing saga of my life for the past 8 long, interminable days. To make matters even worse, our DVD player is on the fritz, so unless I want to watch a DVD on my laptop, it's watching and re-watching the videos. Grrrrr.

I can't even really go into all the sordid details of dealing with Comcast and the numbskulls that have taken over and fully staffed my apartment's management office. It just makes me too angry, and I've tried to be really zen about the whole thing and go on walks to the ocean for the calming effect. Suffice it to say, my apartment's management office is staffed with quite possibly the world's bitchiest secretary, who seriously makes me want to run out and buy a voodoo doll. She is single-handedly responsible for FAILING to give the 24-hour notice to the 2 apartments underneath mine so the Comcast people could go in and re-connect our internet and cable (don't get me started on why they wired only OUR apartment through the closet of the 2 apartments below me. What, am I surrounded by FRICKIN' IDIOTS?!?)

So we are 'theoretically' getting all our services back tomorrow afternoon between 1:00 pm and 5:00 pm. Hopefully this will be more successful than the Saturday, 1:00-5:00 pm OR the Tuesday, 9:00 am -12:00 pm appointments. Because I really can't take this having to come to the library, sign up for a computer time, and have to deal with these 'privacy' screens on the computer monitors that are inevitably completely BLURRY down the middle of the screen and it's making me dizzy, not to mention making it seriously difficult to actually read what I'm typing. But I daren't remove on pain of death, to be sure.

Anyways, peeps, I'm feeling very out of the loop. (I don't even get the newspaper, so I haven't even gotten any news for the past 8 days. And no, there's no extra money for buying a paper. Really.) I miss you all! Hopefully, by tomorrow night I'll be typing away...all about my visit to see a taping of Two and A Half Men...going to LA's Fashion District...all the books I haven't been able to finish reading...all the movies I've been watching...

So as my timer runs down (oh, don't think you can just hop on a library computer and use it willy-nilly), I'm going. I have email to check and news to read up on. And really, how have I lived through the past 8 days without knowing what TomKat's every move has been?!?! The cruelty!

doing my own 007...

So I was just going through some of the pics from my post-bar trip to the San Diego Zoo...and thought this one really fit my mood tonight.


Going Undercover 

That's what I get for being curious...

In the past few months, I've gotten back in touch with people from high school and college. It's been really cool because I've been feeling all lonely and separated from family & friends waaaaay out here in LA. But it has inevitably left me feeling super nostalgic. Examples: being at boarding school for high school (it was a religious thing, not a disciplinary thing) and dealing with stupid rules and deans & doing the Austin Powers dance [yes, Val, I'm talkin' to you]; living across the hall from Ladyberries* in college and letting Sinead O'Connor get us through the dramas; living on the lake during law school and all those law school shenanigans and highlighter fights with Kav...*

Naturally, this leads me to be curious about other people I've lost touch with, mostly those from college. Through searching the links on one of my college friends' websites, I found a site of one of my college boyfriends' friends. And it had pictures of the college boyfriend on it. This led me to compulsively google him and the other college boyfriends, because I somehow became possessed with having to know what they're doing (read: how crappy their lives inevitably are, duh).

This is where I become befuddled: I tracked down the 2 major college boyfriends, and reading about them caused me to have an actual physical reaction. And I don't mean a good reaction. It was completely awful. I felt like something was sitting on my chest and that I was going to start hyperventilating. And neither of the boyfriends were necessarily bad relationships, just cases of badly matched people, I guess.

At this point I feel like I need to say that I don't know the last time I thought about either of these 2 college boyfriends. I have to just blame it on the nostalgia and blatant curiosity, because it's been at least a good 7-8 years since these relationships, and I was never one to jump from boyfriend to boyfriend. So what gives with the bad physical reaction? I dunno. Both of the breakups were really bad, but I'm not one to go with the 'we're still good friends' load of BS. As Husband likes to say, with me it's "all or nothing".

So if anyone has anything to say about this, let it flow, please.

*OK, guys, sorry if you didn't want our past outed, but it's packs of lovely memories for me, so deal. :)

Oh, this is just cute

And to think, what rejected crayon you are all turns on the color underwear you are presently wearing.

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

55 Fiction Fridays

So this is my second attempt - it went much more smoothly than last week's.

"Hey! Over here!" he called. She glanced around, searching. Ah, she thought, there you are. As she walked toward him, she pondered how to let him know. She paused. Okay, here goes. "You're great, but I just can't." "Okay", he said, "I'll be here next Sunday, same place, same price."

Sir Mix-a-Lot

Can anyone tell me why Sir Mix-a-Lot is doing Target commercials?

No, really, why? I mean, is he that strapped for cash? Can anyone answer this mystery for me?

Fat Camp

So, this is how this particular fat camper falls off the fat camp wagon. Oy vey.

I'd decided to start fat camp last week to shave off those 'barzam' pounds. I've been doing pretty good - going for walks, doing Billy Blanks' form of torture, yoga, the elliptical machine (not all on the same day!). I've also really cut down on my alcohol intake and limiting my sugar intake.

However, when Husband said he was going grocery shopping last night, I got a craving for those damn sugar cookies. Talk about a way to jump off the fat camp train. Woo! I ate 1 1/2 of those last night - and my body experienced something akin to euphoria. It was wonderful. Of course when you're at fat camp, one must pay the price for such indiscretions, and mine today was rollerblading along the beach. Not much of a punishment, but exercise nonetheless. And good thing I've got almost a full container of those cookies. Hee!

penguins, TV, and books I'm currently hating

Finally went to see "March of the Penguins" last night. OMG. Daddy, I want a baby penguin NOW!!! Can you get much cuter than a baby penguin? And jeez, I think if human parents had to go through even 1/3 of the effort penguin parents do in order to have children, Britney Spears may not be pregnant right now. Hee!

I've decided that TV holds much more fascination when you're watching it to avoid doing other things. I'm still watching some evening TV (am I the only one excited about Boston Legal tonight?), but daytime TV has totally lost it for me. It's sad, actually, because even a few weeks ago, I couldn't wait to be able to watch The View, Oprah, Ellen, and Cosby re-runs guilt-free. And now I just don't care.

As far as my reading list goes, I think I'm going to have to incorporate a category entitled: BOOKS I REFUSE TO FINISH. I've so far slogged my way through the first 40 pages of Catch-22, and it just makes me want to gouge my eyes out. Maybe I'm not reading it with the proper perspective, but seriously, Yossarian, we need to chat, because right now I just want to smack the crap out of you. Is anyone else reading this book and feeling the same way? And can somebody explain to me why this book has gotten such good reviews? Gag.

Anyways, time time to get back to my Bond movie...nothing like a good 007 afternoon.

55 Fiction Fridays

So, I'm joining Maisnon and Neel Mehta in starting my own 55 Fiction Fridays.

She sat in his favorite chair with a glass of Pinot Grigio, studying her nails. How had it happened? All the correct elements were there. The proper approach was taken. The perfect combination of elements, approach, and time, yet it was terrible. She'd never figure out how she managed to keep ruining the baked potatoes.


(As it turns out, this was like pulling teeth for me to get 55 words of fiction out. The story kept taking turns I didn't want to go with, and I had to keep starting over. With 27 words, I'd already spent about 10 minutes. But I think this will turn out to be a good mental exercise for me. Me, with the creative writing undergrad degree. 10 minutes to come up with 27 words of fiction. HA! Okay, so it took me 30 minutes to craft the whole thing, and it's really stinky. But it was fun! You should try it!)

Book Reviews

(I'll be periodically updating this posting as I work my way through my library loot.)

Rule of Four: ok, I got hooked after Chai warned me away from it. I kept expecting it to become something great, but it didn't. I felt like the book couldn't decide whether to be a Dan Brown-DaVinci-Code-thrilling-adventure or a college-coming-of-age story. I think it would have been better had it committed to one or the other. But it just seemed to waffle. And that bugged the crap out of me. I really enjoyed the bits where it was a college-coming-of-age story, but when it would get into the thrilling-adventure bit, it just didn't jive.

Loot from the library

I went to the library today to stock up. Here's what I came home with:

Trying to Save Piggy Sneed - John Irving (shamed to admit I've never read any John Irving)
Catch-22 - Joseph Heller (a book I think I ought to read)
Women In Love - D.H. Lawrence (looked great)
Lolita - Nabokov (another book I think I ought to read)
The Rule of Four - Ian Caldwell & Dustin Thomason (looked interesting)
The Alienist - Caleb Carr (I keep seeing this book everwhere)

I'm on the waitlist for:
A Prayer for Owen Meany (thanks, kav!)
Reading Lolita in Tehran
Mr. Maybe (thanks, CariG!)
Assassination Vacation (thanks, kav!)

Feel free to tell me how lame/awesome you think my choices are, and what else I should be reading. Oh, and I'll definitely post my reviews as I work my way through the books.

Cracker Jack Box Surprise

(Warning: this posting isn't for men, really. I mean, unless you've got a penchant for reading about women's body issues. And if that sort of thing is up your alley, well, then I can't help you.)

Yesterday, as I was sitting in Vegas, all nice and relaxed, I had a thunderbolt of reality hit me on the 'noggin. I remembered I had a gyno appointment this morning. I didn't want to re-schedule it because I didn't want the $25 charge (stupid cancellation fee) and it was my first non-planned parenthood doctor visit in about 5 years, not to mention the fact that it's been about 2 years since my last checkup under the hood. (Naughty, I know. Lay off.) So since I was a little excited about getting good care for my nether regions, we drove back last night so I could go get poked and proded today.

During the exam is when the FIRST cracker jack box surprise occurred. Apparently, the 'yearly' exam now includes a lovely little anal probe. AH! HA HA HA HA! SURPRISE! Why haven't you other women been telling each other this little tidbit? And why has nobody told ME about this?!?

The SECOND cracker jack box surprise occurred when the doctor sent me for an ultrasound. And not the kind of ultrasound where they put jelly on your belly and slide the thing over it. No. This kind of ultrasound involves a sort of wand that they insert. AH HAH! LOVELY! SURPRISE! And it wasn't just that, it was the fact that they poke and prode inside the uterus. AHHHHHHHH! PAINPAINPAIN! As it turns out, I've got a collapsed cyst on one side and definite endometriosis symptoms on the other side of my uterus. (The WHITE-HOT pain was the indicator, apparently.)

Surprises aside, it was a lovely visit and I HEART this doctor. She's FABULOUS. And the office bathroom was the loveliest, coziest, nicest doctor's-office-bathroom I've been in, and that's saying something. And it's nice to know that my atomic-bomb cramps have a cause that's not just in my head.

Anyways, ladies, just so you know, prepare for the anal surprise and the ultrasound wand surprise next time you go for a visit. I just want all my peeps to be prepared.

Relaxation Central

So I'm in Vegas right now (anyone coming? Wanna get drinks?) and we keep extending our stay because we don't want to go home - it's just so darn relaxing and quiet and NICE. Except that we're ripping someone else's wireless internet, so the signal sucks and the internet is SLOW and it DRIVES ME CRAZY to do anything online because although I'm relaxed, I'm not blessed with the virtue of patience.

But I'm enjoying the alcohol, food, swimming, gambling (I'm a penny-slot-maching maniac), and total and unabashed TV over-indulgence. It's FABULOUS. I'm currently watching the 40 awesomely bad/worst dirrty bad songs on VH1. It's lovely, and I think R. Kelly is wearing the crown for the MOST bad songs on this list. Hee hee hee.

Anyways, I'm just feeling so out of touch with the rest of the blogging world that I had to suffer through the wretched internet to post.

And I realize I totally neglected to mention in my last posting CARI G. Thanks for being such a great friend over the years! I can't wait 'till you come home!

OK, so I'd like to thank the Academy..

SO, before I go to eat supper and continue the drunken spree, here's who I'd like to thank:

Mz. Rao- for being my sounding board and whining source through this process. I don't know how I could have gotten through the process without you. It will take a lifetime to thank you for your understanding and support.

Ms. KAV - !!! what can I POSSIBLY say - you saved me through law school with your friendship, and saved me through the bar with your memorization sheets. The postcards EVERY DAY IN JULY and the Christmas-in-July-bar-care-package also HELPED IMMENSLY. without you, I'd be in a straight-jacket...seriously! THANKS! If I was clever, I'd be able to link to your site, so everyone go read me link to: CarterSimone.blogspot.com/. I have her bookmarked, so GO CHECK HER OUT because she's WITTY and CLEVER and about the best friend a girl could ask for.

GG: your humor and honesty was FABULOUS! PASS!!! I hope you PASS and wish you only the best things in life. Again, if I was web-savvy, I'd do a clever link to: barexam2005.blospot.com.

JM: YOU CRACK ME UP!!! I wish you were moving to LA or I was moving to San Fran NOW because we would *totally* be friends. And her site is: pagingmrgreen.blogspot.com. As soon as I move to San Fran we are SO TOTALLY getting together, along with GG, because I think both of you guys R-O-C-K in that cheerleader, 'give me an 'R' sort of way.

Eve: again, sorry I'm not web-savvy enough to link to you, and I'm on Husband's MAC computer, so I don't have your weblog favorite-ed, so I can't link to it, but you're SO NICE and INSPIRATIONAL and GOOD FOR THE SOUL.

Witty Sex Kitten: thanks for providing such humor and coming along for the ride. (see the web-savvy excuse above).

Law Fairy: 'ditto' above comments for GG and JM. And perhaps I feel an inordinant connection to you with the whole Chicago thing. See above web-savvy excuse after.

HUSBAND: thanks for putting up with me during this process THREE TIMES. And thanks for putting up with me this time enough to come to the hotel with me. YOU ROCK. And getting me Body Shop giftS totally gets you 3 FULL DAYS of beer wench. I LOVE YOU!!!

FAMILY: thanks for putting up with my fixation with California. I know you are all in the Midwest and can't figure out why Husband and I moved WAY the f*ck out to LA, but thanks for bearing with me. You guys rock.

LADYBERRIES: thanks for getting curious about me and geting back in contact with me. It feels REALLY GOOD to have support from the college days. YOU ROCK.

VAL: I know you read & don't comment, so here's a BIG shout-out to you- you meant a LOT as a high school friend, and you mean A LOT as a current friend. Thanks for getting back in touch with me during the past few months and being so supportive. YOU ROCK, too.

Divster: thanks for being such a nice friend who excuses me temporarily droping off the face of the earth and willing to jump in and be supporting. YOU ROCK, too.

TAYLOR: OMG, I am SO GLAD we got back in touch after 15 (approximately) years. YOU ROCK, TOO!

OH YEAH, BABY, IT'S DONE

SO, I've had sex twice (I packed husband in the luggage and booked an extra night so I wouldn't have to pack) and drank most of a bottle of champagne!!!

I'm going to go eat and blog later... WAY TO GO, ALL MY COMPATROTS! YOU DID IT!

There it is, the good old fashioned Cry Therapy

I was starting to be a big jealous of those of my compatriots in this exam process who had already gotten their Cry on. (Sorry kids, not web-savvy enough to know how to do one of those cool links so I can give proper credit - I promise to learn after the bar. For those in the know, I was thinking of JM over at Paging Mr. Green) WELL, that just got laid to rest.

My emotions have been a bit all over the place today - ecstatic to psychotic to pensive to downright morose. Tonight I tried to look over some checklists and couldn't focuse AT ALL. So I watched a bit of mindless TV and then decided to have a Lush-filled bubble bath.

I was in the middle of enjoying it and had started saying self-affirming things such as: "I'm gonna' do great!", "I'm feeling great!" (a la Bob Wiley style from What About Bob). And in literally 2 seconds I went from feeling calm and peaceful to completely bawling my eyes out. Seriously, great, body-shaking sobs. So now I got my Cry on. I'm feeling nice and calm, except my eyes are all aflame, so I'm going to slather on my comforting Vanilla Bean Noel lotion (I know, not season-appropriate...well just deal) and read through my Madonna-laden Vogue, and go to sleep. IT'S TIME TO SHINE, KITTENS!

it's almost GO time!

So I'm halfway between wanting to absolutely freak out and wanting to break out into sobs. I've been a little nervous since I woke up, which isn't good when you're trying to finish the Trader Joe's not-from-concentrate tangerine juice because you'll be gone all week and it just sounds yummy right now.

I think I'm also nervous because I'm packing Husband up in my luggage and taking him with me. Somehow, I'm just not so sure this is a good idea. He's not so sure, either. But I guess we're both game to play with the devil and see what happens. I think it'll be nice to have a food lackey...and to have a "GET ME THIS NOW" manservant for a few days. Of course payback will undoubtedly be a-comin', complete with beer wench and (I'm sure) some sort of costume. But this is getting off track....

In any event, I'm just trying to keep myself occupied so I'm not sitting on the couch biting my nails and flipping through TV channels or nagging Husband and truly driving him crazy. I haven't yet decided if I'm going to be posting during the exam. I don't think I will, mostly because if I do that, then I'm going to have to check all the other sites I go to compulsively, and I really don't want to run across someone posting about what they wrote on the exam...especially if I didn't write that. So maybe this is my last entry before I'm rid of this ugly monkey the bar exam. Maybe my next entry will be Thurday night when I'm drunk out of my mind.

In the meantime, GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE TAKING THE BAR! See you on the OTHER SIDE!!! (Which brings to mind songs from Boys II Men and Bone Thugs 'N Harmony. Don't ask, really. I plead Durham Insanity.)

If only someone had told me...

The first time I took the CalBar, I think I vibrated for the entire two months I studied with nerves. I didn't know what to expect in terms of parking, food, would I even be able to focus for 3 entire days? Who's advice should I follow? Should I not study at all the Monday before the test? Should I not study anything during the evenings of the test? Augh! So here is some stuff that I've found works for me, and some odds and ends of information that I *really* wish someone had told me.

1) You can take a pillow (not in the pillowcase) in to the exam with you - might be helpful in case your arse starts to get numb. I always bring one, just in case.

2) Wear lots of layers - they like to keep the testing room freezing like a morgue. If you wear a hooded sweatshirt, you can't put the hood on your head. If you do, your proctor will slide a note in front of you, interrupting your writing, telling you to 'REMOVE YOUR HOOD IMMEDIATELY'. Trust me, it will happen. So don't wear anything on your head. But you can strip down if you get too hot, so I'd err on the side of wearing too much, because I'm miserable if I'm too cold and can't think properly because I'm shivering.

3) Keep your earplugs in when you leave the test site. Here's why: last summer, I walked out and heard everyone talking about this 'exception' that I'd never even heard of and hadn't used on one of the essays. You don't need to go through that sort of trauma. Just leave in your earplugs to help drone out any thing like that, because there's NO sense in freaking out - it's done, and you need to relax during the lunch break so you can come in to the afternoon session fresh and focused.

4) If you take a lunch and eat it in your car, keep the windows rolled up, because I can guarantee that there will be people also eating lunch in their cars right next to yours, dissecting the exam, piece by piece. Talk about a way to ruin one's appetite. So just leave the windows rolled up, listen to your ipod, or go find someplace quiet to eat.

5) Don't drink too much during lunch - or drink it all at the beginning of the lunch break. You don't want to just get started on the afternoon session and have to go pee - it just breaks your concentration.

6) During lunch breaks, they lock the doors and don't let you back in until about 15-20 minutes before the next session starts. This is important because this inevitably includes the area where the bathrooms are. If you are sweet, the bouncer-proctors will let you in to run in to the bathroom, but then you have to immediately run back outside.

7) Don't eat anything too heavy for lunch. I ate a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich, with a granola bar. The peanut butter helps carry me through the afternoon, and the sandwich didn't make me want to pass out like eating a pasta salad would.

8) Take a hard candy or something small that you can fit in your pocket. This is useful because I noticed that during the MBE, right around questions #40 and #140, I start to lose focus - so I go to the bathroom, splash a little water on my face, and while I'm in the bathroom stall, quickly unwrap the candy and slip it into my mouth. I'd be too nervous about time & the proctors catching me to consume anything else more substantial.

9) People tell you not to study the night before or the nights of the exam. I did. It's not serious studying, but it's looking over a few things, like MBE tips or looking over short outlines for my more problematic areas. It helped me relax because I couldn't just sit there - I had to feel like I was doing something productive.

10) Eat breakfast every morning. I ate oatmeal and a banana for breakfast every morning, and I didn't get hungry. And if you do, use it to your advantage - at least you're not falling asleep because you ate too much!

11) Be prepared to have to get fingerprinted and give a handwriting sample. It sucks, because you don't want to have to write any more than absolutely necessary, but it's required.

12) For each test session, you have to write some information (your exam number, etc) on a big envelope into which you slide your answers. DON'T WRITE ON THIS BEFORE THEY TELL YOU TO. If you do and a proctor sees you, that can be grounds for kicking you out of the exam. Stupid, yes, but just play the game.

13) About 15 minutes before the exam starts, the main proctor will read a bunch of instructions that most people just zone out to. They also tell you when to write your exam number and other information, though, so I would suggest paying attention and only going to the bathroom if you have to.

14) Unless you're seated next to someone you know, I wouldn't strike up a conversation. Invariably, the person will either be a complete know-it-all and leave you feeling less than confident, or they will be completely freaking out, and you don't want to deal with anyone else's nervous energy. Also there will inevitably be the guy who wants to talk about what you think will show up on the essays and the PT's...this guy won't be able to 'take a hint', so just ignore him. And, well, if you are that guy, just don't.

15) The proctors: there are what seems like hundreds of them. They wander in between the rows, in front and behind you, while you are taking the test. What's worse is that the floor is inevitably squeaky, so you can hear them comin' and goin'. It's really obnoxious. But now you know, so do everything you can to just zone them out.

16) You will hear people sliding their chairs in and out during the entire test. Because they clump so many people together in one big, fat room, and put everyone in those cheap metal folding chairs, there is soooo much squeaking. So if for no other reason than that, bring earplugs. And if you're at Ontario, beware that you're so close to the airport that you'll hear airplanes taking off - only it will sort of sound like thunder.