The following in no way was influence by the great chocolate-fudgy-coffee-cake-of-addiction that happened to be in the office this morning for breakfast. And my constant eating thereof. Just so we're clear.
It was called 'The Great Chocolate Downfall of Mrs. Soother', the type of incident that caused moral people to gossip and stare. Mrs. Soother's good intentions had gone awry; she'd nibbled her way to the highest reaches of company infamy. When she yelled "3,000 pounds is the limit, stay off!", people sprinted for the stairs.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Letter to the man who prances around in his Speedo...
Sir:
Look, I'm sure you're a very nice man. When I saw you prancing around the apartment complex wearing only your cobalt-blue speedo and tennis shoes, sans towel, I looked the other way. Sure, it gave me the shivers, seeing as how you are my father's age and haven't an ounce of body fat, but I thought hey, it's Los Angeles, to each their own.
But when you took it a step further and started hiking your speedo down so I can see your CRACK while sunbathing, this becomes completely and ridiculously disgusting. Seriously, sir, your ASS CRACK is kissing the air. Not only are you already knocking on melanoma's door, but when your speedo abuse starts to infringe on one of the true joys in my life - namely, lounging by the pool on a Sunday afternoon enjoying a corona, this becomes personal.
How about we make a deal? You can continue to sashay your way around the apartment wearing your teensy-weensy cobalt-blue speedo and tennis shoes and I will just look the other way. But this business of pushing down your speedo so your ass crack is exposed simply has to STOP! Please! Stop, for the love of god!
Thanks, I'm glad we had this chat.
Look, I'm sure you're a very nice man. When I saw you prancing around the apartment complex wearing only your cobalt-blue speedo and tennis shoes, sans towel, I looked the other way. Sure, it gave me the shivers, seeing as how you are my father's age and haven't an ounce of body fat, but I thought hey, it's Los Angeles, to each their own.
But when you took it a step further and started hiking your speedo down so I can see your CRACK while sunbathing, this becomes completely and ridiculously disgusting. Seriously, sir, your ASS CRACK is kissing the air. Not only are you already knocking on melanoma's door, but when your speedo abuse starts to infringe on one of the true joys in my life - namely, lounging by the pool on a Sunday afternoon enjoying a corona, this becomes personal.
How about we make a deal? You can continue to sashay your way around the apartment wearing your teensy-weensy cobalt-blue speedo and tennis shoes and I will just look the other way. But this business of pushing down your speedo so your ass crack is exposed simply has to STOP! Please! Stop, for the love of god!
Thanks, I'm glad we had this chat.
Friday, September 23, 2005
55 FRY-DAY
A singular dream - what fixation he possessed! His whole life devoted to impressing and winning her back with such singular focus! And what potential for utter desolation. Straightening his shoulders, he resolved not give up; he would confront the future and all it's terrors with steel resolve. If only he'd known what was to come.
So perhaps some of you will recognize that I just finished listening to The Great Gatsby on CD during commuting to work, in which I was totally and completely enchanted. And don't give me any crap about the fact that this wasn't a complete original...this is just what was swimming around my head and I think I had to purge it to be able to move on. In any event, it is what it is. So there.
So perhaps some of you will recognize that I just finished listening to The Great Gatsby on CD during commuting to work, in which I was totally and completely enchanted. And don't give me any crap about the fact that this wasn't a complete original...this is just what was swimming around my head and I think I had to purge it to be able to move on. In any event, it is what it is. So there.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Oh, sad day 'tis this...
So, not only did I find out some very sad news in my family (no deaths, just sadness), but I also got some tragic news from the spca joint. Apparently, we can't adopt Danny because of our 'pet history'. Let me explain, for those of you rushing to judge me & Husband straight away as bad pet keepers. Before we moved out to Los Angeles, we had 2 pets: a German Shepherd and a black stray cat.
First, the dog, Waya: when we moved out here, our apartment did not accept dogs. Further, where we lived in Michigan before moving here was on 10 acres in the woods, where Waya could assert her dominance over neighborhood deer, etc. Since Husband & I knew there would be NO WAY we'd be able to buy a house and were unable to find an apartment with a big enough yard, we thought it would be cruel to move a dog used to Michigan weather and wide open spaces and to California weather and a small apartment. Not to mention NO DEER. So, we did a lot of searching and found her a home with a wonderful woman who breeds German Shepherds and had plenty of room for her to run around on. Further, she knew Waya, and lived just down the street from where we lived, so it would be less of an adjustment for her. And yes, this completely devastated Husband, but we honestly felt we were doing what was best.
Now, the cat: our cat, Kennedy, had liver shunts. We couldn't afford the $4,000 surgery to find out whether the shunts were inside or outside the liver and whether they would be able to fix them, but suffice it to say, Kennedy was a very sick cat. The vet gave us no hope as to his survival, and thought the best option would be to send him to kitty heaven. We really didn't want to do that, but he was so sick that we thought driving him out in the move, being in a car for 4 days would probably do quite a number on him. So, my parents graciously took him in and provided him with a comfortable life until he went on to kitty heaven.
So understand my indignation when the spca woman told me that we are not acceptable to them as adoptive parents, and that we will never be able to adopt from them, and tough shit. We had already twice explained our pet history to the spca quite indepthly, and I went over it again with the woman, and she did her utmost to make me feel like a complete ass, saying "well, some of us will go to great length to keep our animals." THANKS, YOU HEARTLESS, CRUEL WENCH.
So the long and short of it is that we won't be adopting Danny. *sniff*. I had a good cry about it and am now just sad, but hopefully he finds a great home, soon. Husband is at work for another 2 hours, and I'm really not looking forward to telling him. Hopefully we'll be able to find the right cat for us, but I'm just really sad tonight.
I think it's time to hit the wine.
And for any of you about to post a mean comment, just DON'T.
First, the dog, Waya: when we moved out here, our apartment did not accept dogs. Further, where we lived in Michigan before moving here was on 10 acres in the woods, where Waya could assert her dominance over neighborhood deer, etc. Since Husband & I knew there would be NO WAY we'd be able to buy a house and were unable to find an apartment with a big enough yard, we thought it would be cruel to move a dog used to Michigan weather and wide open spaces and to California weather and a small apartment. Not to mention NO DEER. So, we did a lot of searching and found her a home with a wonderful woman who breeds German Shepherds and had plenty of room for her to run around on. Further, she knew Waya, and lived just down the street from where we lived, so it would be less of an adjustment for her. And yes, this completely devastated Husband, but we honestly felt we were doing what was best.
Now, the cat: our cat, Kennedy, had liver shunts. We couldn't afford the $4,000 surgery to find out whether the shunts were inside or outside the liver and whether they would be able to fix them, but suffice it to say, Kennedy was a very sick cat. The vet gave us no hope as to his survival, and thought the best option would be to send him to kitty heaven. We really didn't want to do that, but he was so sick that we thought driving him out in the move, being in a car for 4 days would probably do quite a number on him. So, my parents graciously took him in and provided him with a comfortable life until he went on to kitty heaven.
So understand my indignation when the spca woman told me that we are not acceptable to them as adoptive parents, and that we will never be able to adopt from them, and tough shit. We had already twice explained our pet history to the spca quite indepthly, and I went over it again with the woman, and she did her utmost to make me feel like a complete ass, saying "well, some of us will go to great length to keep our animals." THANKS, YOU HEARTLESS, CRUEL WENCH.
So the long and short of it is that we won't be adopting Danny. *sniff*. I had a good cry about it and am now just sad, but hopefully he finds a great home, soon. Husband is at work for another 2 hours, and I'm really not looking forward to telling him. Hopefully we'll be able to find the right cat for us, but I'm just really sad tonight.
I think it's time to hit the wine.
And for any of you about to post a mean comment, just DON'T.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Hardy har har
This morning as I was shaving, the song "Welcome to the Jungle" popped in my head. Thank you, GNR.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Lesson of the day
Good: cubes of extra-firm tofu sauteed so that they are nice and firm on the outside and soft on the inside.
Bad: cubes of extra-firm tofu sauteed to within an inch of their lives, not terribly unlike corn nuts.
Bad: cubes of extra-firm tofu sauteed to within an inch of their lives, not terribly unlike corn nuts.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
OH, Danny boy!
Ever since we lost our kitty (he was a stray with serious liver problems...*sniff*...) we've really been wanting to get another. Not to replace our kitty, but because we really want another animal, and our apartment doesn't allow dogs. And besides, I'm a cat person.
This morning I went to get my hair cut...(which turned out quite nicely, and when I'm satisfied with my haircut, you know it's a good cut, because I'm NEVER happy with my hair. Really - I have really thick, obnoxious hair that for some reason, 95% of the hairdressers (is that the appropriate term?) are completely and totally unable to cut. It's ridiculous.)
Anyways, during the haircut, I called Husband to come and meet me and we'd have lunch and catch the movie Corpse Bride (I'm a *HUGE* Johnny Depp fan - you know how couples have their list of 3 non-realistic alternative options? I only have 1 on my list - Mr. Depp.). We had a lovely lunch outside, and then decided to meander into a nearby mall because we have this little tradition of going to this kitty adoption center (an SPCA joint) so I can get my "kitty fix".
We get to this SPCA place (which is in a mall), and there's where we discover Danny. He seemed like a quiet cat, fairly mellow, and the little tag with his information said he was about 2 years old. We bent down beside him in his cage (which could fit a few people quite comfortably, btw) and I asked him if he wanted to come home with us...to which he let out the softest, cutest little "mew" (it wasn't a full "meow"). All of a sudden, the "kitty fix" turned into Husband looking to me and saying "so, what do you think..." I say "about what?" He says "about adopting him?". WHA????
As Husband is filling out the application, we go inside Danny's cage (the size of a small room) to pet him and see if there's a connection. It turns out that Danny is about the sweetest cat alive! He's incredibly affectionate and sweet and just the cutest little attention whore you've ever seen! He's a fairly small/thin cat - his paws are very little and so cute! Oh, and he's gray tiger stripe.
They said they liked everything about us, but that there's one potential snag: apparently, Danny has a brother, Armstrong, who is a little sick. They're going to be doing some bloodwork on Armstrong to see if it's something genetic or hereditary...because they don't want us getting a sick cat. We'll find out in about a week whether or not we get to bring Danny home. And all this might not turn out, but I just had to share because I'm super excited at the prospect of having a furry little creature again!
This morning I went to get my hair cut...(which turned out quite nicely, and when I'm satisfied with my haircut, you know it's a good cut, because I'm NEVER happy with my hair. Really - I have really thick, obnoxious hair that for some reason, 95% of the hairdressers (is that the appropriate term?) are completely and totally unable to cut. It's ridiculous.)
Anyways, during the haircut, I called Husband to come and meet me and we'd have lunch and catch the movie Corpse Bride (I'm a *HUGE* Johnny Depp fan - you know how couples have their list of 3 non-realistic alternative options? I only have 1 on my list - Mr. Depp.). We had a lovely lunch outside, and then decided to meander into a nearby mall because we have this little tradition of going to this kitty adoption center (an SPCA joint) so I can get my "kitty fix".
We get to this SPCA place (which is in a mall), and there's where we discover Danny. He seemed like a quiet cat, fairly mellow, and the little tag with his information said he was about 2 years old. We bent down beside him in his cage (which could fit a few people quite comfortably, btw) and I asked him if he wanted to come home with us...to which he let out the softest, cutest little "mew" (it wasn't a full "meow"). All of a sudden, the "kitty fix" turned into Husband looking to me and saying "so, what do you think..." I say "about what?" He says "about adopting him?". WHA????
As Husband is filling out the application, we go inside Danny's cage (the size of a small room) to pet him and see if there's a connection. It turns out that Danny is about the sweetest cat alive! He's incredibly affectionate and sweet and just the cutest little attention whore you've ever seen! He's a fairly small/thin cat - his paws are very little and so cute! Oh, and he's gray tiger stripe.
They said they liked everything about us, but that there's one potential snag: apparently, Danny has a brother, Armstrong, who is a little sick. They're going to be doing some bloodwork on Armstrong to see if it's something genetic or hereditary...because they don't want us getting a sick cat. We'll find out in about a week whether or not we get to bring Danny home. And all this might not turn out, but I just had to share because I'm super excited at the prospect of having a furry little creature again!
Friday, September 16, 2005
It's still Friday in my time zone...
I know I've been slacking, but here's my 55 Fiction-Friday, for better or for worse...
Meandering through the crowds, she suddenly caught his eye. Of all the inadvertent luck, she thought. "Hey - do you think you could..." "No", she cut in abruptly. How could he - no, what on earth was he thinking? Didn't he know how wrong he was? How heartless, to confront her about the cell phone bill now?
Meandering through the crowds, she suddenly caught his eye. Of all the inadvertent luck, she thought. "Hey - do you think you could..." "No", she cut in abruptly. How could he - no, what on earth was he thinking? Didn't he know how wrong he was? How heartless, to confront her about the cell phone bill now?
Thursday, September 15, 2005
I heart Martha
Since I am now the proud parent of a TiVo system, I have been able to record lots of fun stuff to watch when I get home in the evenings. It's been fabulous.
So in addition to recording Conan and Ellen, I've been recording Martha. And I just have to say, I HEART MARTHA. I've never been a huge fan of hers - I was more ambivalent; I'd buy her magazines, but she seemed like one of those women for whom all other women feel inadequate in a 'housewifely' way. Especially me! But all that has changed after seeing her show. Oh, sure, I'd never want to have to actually exhibit any of those 'housewifely' skills (what else do you call them? 'domestic diva' skills?) in front of her, but she's so much fun and down to earth on her show! I just thinks she's great!
Seriously, it's one of the most entertaining & learning-filled shows (the stuff she shows is stuff that even I could do). If you haven't watched it yet, you need to! It's fabulous! Go, go now and enjoy! It certainly mitigates any grrrrrr-ishness that occurs from LA traffic.
So in addition to recording Conan and Ellen, I've been recording Martha. And I just have to say, I HEART MARTHA. I've never been a huge fan of hers - I was more ambivalent; I'd buy her magazines, but she seemed like one of those women for whom all other women feel inadequate in a 'housewifely' way. Especially me! But all that has changed after seeing her show. Oh, sure, I'd never want to have to actually exhibit any of those 'housewifely' skills (what else do you call them? 'domestic diva' skills?) in front of her, but she's so much fun and down to earth on her show! I just thinks she's great!
Seriously, it's one of the most entertaining & learning-filled shows (the stuff she shows is stuff that even I could do). If you haven't watched it yet, you need to! It's fabulous! Go, go now and enjoy! It certainly mitigates any grrrrrr-ishness that occurs from LA traffic.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
The source of unspeakable sadness...
The tragic shoes
Do you see how the left shoe footbed is completely split from the bottom half? How the hell does that even happen?!? And aren't they just such fun, sexy shoes? Do you see now why I can't just part with them?
Saturday, September 10, 2005
update: the blistered feet
It seems some of you are highly worried about the state of my feet after being a slave to fashion and wearing blister-inducing shoes on my first day of work. Well, thanks for the worry! I was doing okay - most of the blisters hadn't popped yet or had just kind of deflated on their own without popping (that wierds me out a bit) ... until I decided to go for a walk with Husband on Friday night... and popped one of those blisters.
So, now I have a big ugly popped blister sore on my right foot, by my big toe (right where the strap of a flip-flop would lie). We have these nifty little square band-aids, and I wore one tonight for date night.
All was going well with my feet on the date - we went for a lovely and ridiculously filling meal at the Cheesecake Factory (neither of us can eat cheesecake, so we brought home a piece of sinful fudge sex cake) and so I wore my sexy sandal heels. Now, these are about the only pair of sexy heels I own, and I love these shoes more than, well, a lot of things (but not that sinful fudge sex cake). Now, I've had these shoes for probably 4 or 5 years, but have only worn them a handful of times (for when I'm feeling especially sassy), and when we got home, the shoes died. Seriously, the left shoe foot-bed part split completely apart from the soul/heel part - as if the glue decided it was time to go to glue heaven. This is just tragic.
*sigh*.
Anyone know how much it would cost me to get my shoe glued back together? I don't remember how much I paid for them (I got them at DSW), but they are designer shoes (a serious, expensive designer, at that) and I don't think I can continue to cope without them.
This is just so sad. Where's that sinful fudge sex cake and my glass of wine....
So, now I have a big ugly popped blister sore on my right foot, by my big toe (right where the strap of a flip-flop would lie). We have these nifty little square band-aids, and I wore one tonight for date night.
All was going well with my feet on the date - we went for a lovely and ridiculously filling meal at the Cheesecake Factory (neither of us can eat cheesecake, so we brought home a piece of sinful fudge sex cake) and so I wore my sexy sandal heels. Now, these are about the only pair of sexy heels I own, and I love these shoes more than, well, a lot of things (but not that sinful fudge sex cake). Now, I've had these shoes for probably 4 or 5 years, but have only worn them a handful of times (for when I'm feeling especially sassy), and when we got home, the shoes died. Seriously, the left shoe foot-bed part split completely apart from the soul/heel part - as if the glue decided it was time to go to glue heaven. This is just tragic.
*sigh*.
Anyone know how much it would cost me to get my shoe glued back together? I don't remember how much I paid for them (I got them at DSW), but they are designer shoes (a serious, expensive designer, at that) and I don't think I can continue to cope without them.
This is just so sad. Where's that sinful fudge sex cake and my glass of wine....
Friday, September 09, 2005
oooooooh...just when I thought life couldn't get better...
...it totally did.
I got home from work today, and Husband (who had today off) is looking as pleased with himself as the cat who finally caught the canary. What did he do to warrant such unbridled pride, you ask? HE! WENT! AND! GOT! A! TIVO! TODAY!
I have been wanting a TIVO for a lifetime and a half, but we haven't been able to afford it. Until now. Husband has had various Playstations, but every single one he gets is retarded - they work for about 3 months and then you can't watch a DVD on them. Which is a vital element in this house because the DVD player we got for our wedding died an agonizing death a year after our wedding (it wasn't a cheap piece of crap, either). So, when the latest Playstation model decided to go to gaming heaven, Husband decided he was tired of dealing with it, so he took the refund check and surprised me with a TIVO! today.
I am still beside myself with absolute glee.
In other news, I think the Fat Camp Police will be coming to arrest me shortly. I've been doing absolutely dismally this week. Hopefully tomorrow I will start making better choices. Augh.
Off to play with my TIVO!
Update: I never knew that programming a TIVO could be this glee-inducing! I've just spent the last hour putting in programs and messing with the settings. This is like crack!
I got home from work today, and Husband (who had today off) is looking as pleased with himself as the cat who finally caught the canary. What did he do to warrant such unbridled pride, you ask? HE! WENT! AND! GOT! A! TIVO! TODAY!
I have been wanting a TIVO for a lifetime and a half, but we haven't been able to afford it. Until now. Husband has had various Playstations, but every single one he gets is retarded - they work for about 3 months and then you can't watch a DVD on them. Which is a vital element in this house because the DVD player we got for our wedding died an agonizing death a year after our wedding (it wasn't a cheap piece of crap, either). So, when the latest Playstation model decided to go to gaming heaven, Husband decided he was tired of dealing with it, so he took the refund check and surprised me with a TIVO! today.
I am still beside myself with absolute glee.
In other news, I think the Fat Camp Police will be coming to arrest me shortly. I've been doing absolutely dismally this week. Hopefully tomorrow I will start making better choices. Augh.
Off to play with my TIVO!
Update: I never knew that programming a TIVO could be this glee-inducing! I've just spent the last hour putting in programs and messing with the settings. This is like crack!
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
It was a GRRRREAT day!
I had a FABULOUS first day of work! It couldn't have gone better! I was just glad there weren't any massive screwups...of course eventually it will happen, I'm just glad it wasn't on my first day.
The only thing that sucked was that my shoes completely tore up my feet. Seriously, I have blisters all over my feet. It sucks. I so wasn't thinking this morning when I thought I could go from wearing my comfy, broken-in flip-flops every day to wearing HEELS. And not just any heels. No. Slip-on, mule-type heels. I don't think my baby toes will ever recover. Which will make tomorrow interesting, trying to figure out which dress shoes hurt the least.
Off to enjoy my good-first-day-of-work glass of wine...
The only thing that sucked was that my shoes completely tore up my feet. Seriously, I have blisters all over my feet. It sucks. I so wasn't thinking this morning when I thought I could go from wearing my comfy, broken-in flip-flops every day to wearing HEELS. And not just any heels. No. Slip-on, mule-type heels. I don't think my baby toes will ever recover. Which will make tomorrow interesting, trying to figure out which dress shoes hurt the least.
Off to enjoy my good-first-day-of-work glass of wine...
Monday, September 05, 2005
Well, if I ever thought I was still just a spring chicken...
...now I know I am emphatically NOT. Husband & I went to Target tonight. While I was poking around the $1 section, these junior-high age girls called me "LADY"...as in "watch out for the LADY" as they were throwing items at each other. LADY. Lady! How can I possibly continue to indulge my ridiculous fantasy that I'm still really just a college kid in an adult life when young girls are calling me a 'lady'?!
This, on the eve of me commencing work tomorrow morning. *Sigh*. And speaking of having to actually get up tomorrow morning at the god-awful hour of 6:30 am, I'm off to bed. Wish me luck tomorrow!
This, on the eve of me commencing work tomorrow morning. *Sigh*. And speaking of having to actually get up tomorrow morning at the god-awful hour of 6:30 am, I'm off to bed. Wish me luck tomorrow!
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Hang on, kids, things are about to get a little rough...
R.I.P., Chief Justice...I'm very afraid things are about to get very scary for women's rights. Heaven help us.
today = lessons learned
1. If you don't have these, attempting to use wax paper to bake cookies instead does NOT work. In fact, smoke will start to pour from your oven, and your fire alarm will go off.
2. If you don't have the brown sugar required by a chocolate-chip cookies recipe, you can make it yourself by mixing molasses & granulated sugar. (The mixing ratio is on the molasses bottle).
3. Using said mixture in chocolate-chip cookies does NOT result in normal flavored chocolate-chip cookies. Using this molasses-mixture-brown-sugar-substitute makes the chocolate-chip cookies taste like molasses.
4. Further, using said mixture in the cookies makes the cookies come out quite an unpalatable color of brown - not burned brown, but more like shit brown.
2. If you don't have the brown sugar required by a chocolate-chip cookies recipe, you can make it yourself by mixing molasses & granulated sugar. (The mixing ratio is on the molasses bottle).
3. Using said mixture in chocolate-chip cookies does NOT result in normal flavored chocolate-chip cookies. Using this molasses-mixture-brown-sugar-substitute makes the chocolate-chip cookies taste like molasses.
4. Further, using said mixture in the cookies makes the cookies come out quite an unpalatable color of brown - not burned brown, but more like shit brown.
Friday, September 02, 2005
begging off 55-fiction friday...
I just can't do the fiction today. I'm afraid all that would come out would be completely non-fiction, dealing with Katrina...and I'm just too emotionally exhausted to go there right now.
So sorry, no fiction today. Life and it's horrors are just too overwhelming.
So sorry, no fiction today. Life and it's horrors are just too overwhelming.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
the good news keeps a' comin'...
So.....I GOT THE JOB!!! I'm very excited! I'm not going to be writing about it at all - knowing me, I wouldn't be able to walk that fine line of not saying too much. And I think it's just smarter not to say anything at all.
In any event, I had to share the great news. I start Tuesday, so it's going to be a long weekend of debauching and getting all my immaturity out of the way, so I'm ready to be a working adult by next week. Any ideas for enjoying these last few days of daytime TV and alcohol at any hour of the day?
In any event, I had to share the great news. I start Tuesday, so it's going to be a long weekend of debauching and getting all my immaturity out of the way, so I'm ready to be a working adult by next week. Any ideas for enjoying these last few days of daytime TV and alcohol at any hour of the day?
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
can't...stop...somebody...help...
So, if I'm not working and not shopping due to the lack of income, what have I been doing, you ask? I have been sucked into the ridiculous cuteness that is THIS.
I can't take it anymore!
I can't take it anymore!
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