I admit it: I'm a pen thief.

I had a fantastic weekend with my friend...it was so awesome to have quality girl time.

I'm glad the bar is over & that I survived. We're not talking about the exam itself, though, deal? And believe it or not, but my hand is *still* sore.

Something really fun: I'll catch myself thinking/feeling that I have to go home & study/should be studying and then I'll remember that I don't have to!!! And I get excited! It's an awesome feeling.

I spent all weekend enduring serious mocking because the bar scrambled my brain and I couldn't talk appropriately.

OH, pizza's done...gotta' go indulge.

My new best friend is Epsom Salts

My hand is not happy.

Both last night and tonight I've soaked my writing hand in a bucket of water w/ epsom salts. It has helped.

I can't believe I have more tomorrow.

I will be so glad when this is over...it won't come a minute too soon.

The cat is not pleased with me having gone from being home all day to being gone again. In fact, he's made his feelings quite clear.

Okay, my hand is hurting from typing. I hope to be next updating when I'm D-R-U-N-K! Wish me luck tomorrow! And good luck to everyone else still going tomorrow...

Starting to feel a wee bit on the woozy side...

So I'm not going to stay at a hotel...I can't really justify the cost when I live so close to where the test is. I think with traffic it will only take about a half hour to get there. At least that's what it took when I did the test run last week.

I sort of feel like I should have a glass of wine, but I'm afraid it will just give me a headache...both tonight and tomorrow morning. And starting the exam with a headache would really blow.

I'm in that bad phase where I feel totally antsy but I can't relax. I know tomorrow morning will come way too fast...I'm going to try and go to bed in 2 hours...I SAID TRY. I'm absolutely taking a sleeping pill tonight. Only half of one, don't worry. Which is why I'm going to bed in 2 hours - I want to give myself plenty of opportunity to sleep if I can.

One of my bestest friends sent me a Good Luck Bar Box full of fun gossip magazines and fun lotion and a fun candle and CHOCOLATE. Oh, and one of the most fun things ever - a s'mores kit! I think I'll save that for celebratory purposes.

I can't believe the bar is already going to be tomorrow. How did the past few months go by so quick? Holy shit.

GOOD LUCK to all of you going through this with me this time!!! Let's go kick some ass!

Bar exam? What bar exam!?!

Screw this, I'm going swimming. And I might be taking a cooler full of cold, alcoholic beverages with me. But I'm not telling.


Saturday I went to Starbucks to escape the stifling heat, and I saw another girl there who was studying for the bar. My first clue with the foot-tall stack of flashcards. The second clue was the Bar/Bri essay book. Even before she pulled out study stuff, though, I had her pegged - I think it was probably that air of quiet desperation we're all emanating right now. Yes, quiet desperation. Although for some of us, perhaps not so quiet.

The crazy brigade is coming to get me.

It was so hot in my apartment yesterday that I thought I was going to die. D-I-E. When Husband got home from work he promptly declared it too hot to stay, so we went drinking at Red Hook brewery. When we got home it was still so hot I couldn't sleep. Every time I fell asleep I woke up 2 seconds later sweating. Did I mention how hot it was? We have no air conditioning, either. We have 2 fans that were going full speed and it still wasn't helping. At one point I was so overtired I started doing that laughing thing where you can't stop but you're not laughing at anything. And then I got Husband going. And then we got into a water fight IN the bed.

I think I maybe got 3 hours of good sleep last night.

This does not bode well for me being productive today. In fact, it doesn't bode well for me being anything other than a lump on the couch. Good thing there's good movies on TV today.

It's supposed to be hotter today. Goody. I think I just may take the entire bottle of sleeping pills tonight.

Things to look forward to...

While I'm looking everywhere for my Motivation (where did you go? why did you desert me NOW?), I now have something very exciting to look forward to: my friend who was in South Korea for a year and is now back is coming to see me the day the exam is done!!! In fact, I'm going to the airport after the test is over to pick her up. Crazy, I know - why am I going straight to the airport after the bar? Well, the ticket was such a phenomenal deal we couldn't pass it up. It's totally going to be worht it. I haven't seen her since a year ago April, so this will be a big, exciting weekend! We have lots of drinking to do...I predict it's going to be a very fuzzy weekend. Which is totally warranted after the bar.

That's all the news I have.

Oh, and tomorrow is my anniversary - I'll be married for 3 years. Crazy. We don't have any plans yet...maybe dinner. Which wouldn't be a problem for my study schedule..."study" schedule. Starting on Sunday I've been writing 9 essays every day (ok, I'll be honest - my hand wears out so I'm writing a few, outlining a few - issue spotting) but by the time it hits about 4:00 or 5:00 pm, I'm D-O-N-E for the night. And yes, I feel guilty about it. I mean, there are HOURS LEFT IN THE DAY...I MUST BE PRODUCTIVE. But I. just. can't. I really wanted to sit and look over my memorization sheets...but it's already just after 8:00 pm and the night might as well be over as far as my brain being worth anything. Tomorrow morning I'm planning to get up at 6:00 and start nice and early. The day is starting with a bag: 6 P.R. essays. Sooooooooo excited!

Not gone...just abducted...

So today started my simulated exam schedule. It's not fun. I supposed "fun" really isn't the goal here. I am hoping that by spending 5 days in a row writing 9 essays every day that next week the test will feel like a piece of cake. The only thing I am slightly concerned about is the fact that when I woke up this morning, my hand was sore from writing yesterday. It's only going to get more sore as this week progresses, so I'm thinking I'll have to start rehabilitating it by holding a cold beer every night. It's medicinal!

This week I have off of work (thank god), and I'm not sure how I've managed to work AND study for the last few months. It has totally sucked. And lo and behold, today I feel like I've actually made visible progress. Take for example how in the first set of 3 essays I wrote this morning, I encountered a commercial paper essay and, well, let's just say there wasn't any angel choirs singing my brilliance. However, the second set of 3 essays I got another commercial paper essay, and I did blow it out of the water. It felt good, too. I guess my memory is back to functioning. Hooray!

I don't really have anything else to say...just study, study, and more study. I'm so glad this will be over soon!

life is SHORT!!!

I was already at work when I read about the bombings in India.

I have a very good friend who was dropping off a co-worker in front of a train station where a bomb went off. She and the co-worker are fine.

I am so glad she is okay.

My thoughts are with all of those not as fortunate as my friend...

Since North Korea is going to nuke us, I don't have to study...right?

I am tired.

I feel good about my progress today, so that's something.

I'm not really looking forward to this week...although I just have to get through 5 more days of work and then it's bar time 100% of the time. Oh, yay.

Everything seems like it's coming together...or at least will cooperate and come together in the next 2 weeks.

Ok, I have 3 minutes to brush my teeth, take my sleeping pill, and go to bed. I know, I know - how anal can I be, right?!? The more stressed out I get, the more my life is married to a schedule. Hey - it helps me cope.

IT'S PANIC TIME!!!

Holy cow. I cannot believe I have to work the rest of this week and next week. Talk about performing under pressure...

I'm having a freak-out tonight. I sat down to re-visit Crim Pro and I apparently had it wiped completely out of my memory. Fantastic. This is not the time for this sort of thing to be happening. Although better now than in 2 weeks, I suppose. I really don't need anything extra unraveling my confidence right now, you know?

I'm trying valiantly to maintain a positive and focused attitude, but tonight it's not working. And the fireworks are NOT HELPING MY NERVES. I already feel like crying and shouting and impaling myself all at once, the last thing I need are explosives going off RIGHT OUTSIDE THE WINDOW.

ALONG WITH THAT SCREAMING INFANT IN THE APARTMENT BELOW ME. Argh!

At least I've got sleeping pills. Ha ha!

Let's play a game...

Guess how many hours I've spent today memorizing, re-memorizing, property?



No really, GUESS!



Come on, it'll be fun...



Give up yet?



5 hours and 15 minutes!!! I think I'll take a sharp stick to the eye now, thanks.

Herein lies the problem with trying to be superwoman...

...eventually, you burn the f*ck out. No, you know what? You burn the fuck out.

I started the official countdown 3 days ago...I figured I needed some extra motivation AND something to look forward to, as in: thank fuck this will be over in x days. It's helped.

And the sleeping pills have helped to.

Except tonight I'm tired. T-I-R-E-D. Tired of working. Tired of studying. Tired of working and studying. Tired of losing roughly 1 1/2 hours every day COMMUTING on the bus. Tired of trying to deal with Husband. Tired of living in an apartment building where I hear people below me and OUTSIDE YELLING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT. (Not unlike the experience E.Spat had - and yes, I'm too TIRED to link it properly, sorry.)

And what is the last possible thing I need to have on my plate right now? Worrying about money. Yes, I'm working a lovely job and getting a nice paycheck with a fabulous 401K and health/etc. plan. However, because of this bar exam, I have to take time off. I'm actually taking 2 weeks off work (well, 9 days, but I don't really count the Friday after the bar exam because I can go in hungover and just have to get through the day)....and because I don't have enough vacation time accrued, I'm taking it UNPAID. Which basically means I'm missing 1 paycheck next month. Which in turn COMPLETELY SUCKS because rent & my whopping student loan payment are both due the first week of August. Fantastic. I'm planning to call Direct Loans tomorrow and see if they'd take a raincheck on my firstborn...or they could have Husband...just not the cat. I'm hoping I get a human with emotions and we can work something out...like let's re-commence the bending over every month in September, say.

And now I've lost some study time when I'm supposed to be getting Agency/Partnerships memorized & down cold tonight. LE BIG, FAT SIGH.

Let's all hold hands in a circle and sing kumbuya (sp?).

Are you serious? It's almost JULY, already?!?

Where have the past few months gone? Why has June decided to fly it wily ass on by?

I was supposed to nail down Evidence tonight (i.e., do more memorization sheets to make sure I have it all memorized) but my tired brain decided I needed a night of & a glass of wine. So I said "okay". It took a lot of arm twisting, let me tell you.

I was planning to go to bed at 10pm, but have gotten sucked into a re-airing of a Frontline episode about the 9/11 commision, Cheney, etc.... and getting ANGRIER by the second.

I may need more wine.

I'm throwing a pity party - wanna' join?

I am T-I-R-E-D. As in my brain is tired of thinking and memorizing.

It's really hard, harder than I ever imagined it would be, to work full time and try to study full time. I wouldn't recommend it. My day starts at about 5:45 am (depending on how snooze-happy I am) and I don't get home until about 12 hours later. Then I have to try and get a few hours of studying in, eat, work out, and not go to bed still vibrating (which reminds me, I need to go take my sleeping pill).

I'm not even really watching ANY TV.

Over the weekend, Husband accepted the fact that if he wants the apartment to be clean, he's going to have to do it himself (he's LUCKY I'm still doing the laundry!). I'm still surprised this went down without a fight. It always seems like we have one really knock-down, drag out super-fight when I'm studying for the bar. I still think it's coming, though, because it's one thing to get Husband to agree to clean. It's an entirely different thing for him to actually do it. And I'm sorry, but putting Dawn on the dishcloth and running it over the entirety of the sink does NOT count as cleaning it. He could even use the Clorox spray, for pete's sake.

What's really starting to grate on my nerves is the RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF HOURS HE SPENDS PLAYING GAMES! GAMES! People, I'm talking about mindless, non-productive, GAMES. Jeeeeeeeeeeezus. With all the time he spends playing games, he could probably have already solved the whole world peace issue. I've been told this is a "guy thing", but he gets NO SLACK right now.

Seriously, it really feels like I'm working 2 jobs. And it TOTALLY SUCKS my hypothetical left nut.

I have, however, started working out again. Well, maybe I should re-phrase that. Yesterday, I ate really well, got my study goals accomplished, and even worked out - I let the elliptical machine kick my ass and then lifted weights. Today, I had 2 little pieces of dark chocolate (FIBER! BONUS!) but still went and let the elliptical pummel me. Someone at work said: "maybe you should tackle one thing at a time - first the bar, then working out when that's done". That doesn't work for me because I like to be on a schedule. Routines are my friend, we go way back. So I'm proud of myself for yesterday and today. Just gotta' keep building on the good days.

As I start to take longer and longer pauses (I'm tired and am about to go brush my teeth & go to bed for SLEEP, SLEEP, WONDERFUL SLEEP), I will leave you all with a good movie suggestion: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: hysterically funny dark comedy. Val Kilmer & Robert Downey Jr. have excellent comedic timing; not only are they excellent actors, but they're great to watch together. Watch it when you need a break.

Sleep well, everyone, and those of you going to Bar/Bri in the morning remember this: as much as it sucks to be sitting in a lecture, AT LEAST YOU'RE NOT SITTING AT WORK FOR EIGHT HOURS BEFORE YOU GET TO GO HOME AND STUDY. Gosh, don't you wish you were me?!?

The bar gets blamed for alot...and it deserves it.

I've been holding off on posting because I just feel so whiny lately. Working a full-time job and trying to study for this damn bar exam is a b*tch. Seriously. I can think of a thousand sharp objects to the eye that would be more enjoyable.

The tough part for me is the volume of stuff I have to memorize, and since there's no MBE (which I'm ecstatic about), the memorization is basically just rote. It sucks. It's really hard to work a full day, ride the bus an hour home, make dinner, clean up the kitchen (because Husband is really being LAZY right now - more on this in a minute), and then get all revved up to study for a couple hours and not only be productive, but be able to FOCUS...that magical thing. Writing essays is fun compared to sitting and doing my memorization sheets.

I am now sleeping! I am falling asleep and staying asleep the entire night. It's beautiful! Now if I can just get myself up at 5:00 am to go work out... sigh. If I don't work out in the morning, it just doesn't happen. I've been taking walks during my lunch but that's not the serious ass kicking type of exercise my body needs right now...and I'm not talking for stress reduction, just size reduction.

Husband ... what is there to say? At least he'll go buy me Godiva dark chocolate (my fave) and sneak up and just shove it in my mouth while I'm studying. :-) That's actually quite nice. Of course it adds to the reason I need a body boot camp. He always gets cranky when I'm studying. We already have a cat, I don't need another child! And for chrissakes, please just keep the kitchen cleaned up! I can't study when the house is a mess - not because I'm open to distraction but because my Type A self can't handle it. I've really tried to cultivate the art of letting things sit until he does it during the last (almost) 3 years of married life, but when I'm studying for the bar, I don't have the extra patience for that.

Satuday night we went to see the Black Crowes. It was an excellent concert! I won tickets (I'm having deja vu - did I already write about this?) and even the parking was free (non paved, big whoop), so it was a free night. Husband had a nap Saturday afternoon and he woke up in Grumpyville and proceeded to spend the next several hours picking fights (yes, plural) with me. When we finally got to the concert and each consumed a beer the evening was fine. The cool thing about this venue was that we saw Mt. Ranier and then it was a full moon and it looked like one of those print-type framed pictures you'd find in an art gallery. Gorgeous. The actual performance of the Black Crowes was awesome - they're really great live! I never really listened to them prior to going to the concert (it was free, why not go?), but I left a fan. Not a fanatic, but a definite fan.

Oh, and Husband bought me a concert t-shirt...perhaps to make up for picking fights with me?

I decided last week to order a whopping stack of books from the library. Why? Because obviously I have plenty of time to do fun reading. The one I started this morning (on the bus - didn't have study stuff with me & had to run to catch the bus so there wasn't time and NO I DIDN'T PACK MY BAG THE NIGHT BEFORE AND PURPOSEFULLY PUT THE NOVEL IN AND NOT THE UCC SALES MEMORIZATION SHEET IN THERE. THE CAT DID THAT, OKAY? JUST BACK OFF) hmmm....someone feeling a little guilty, perhaps? Anyways, I started "Me Talk Pretty Someday" by David Sedaris. It's very funny - had me laughing out loud on the bus.

And now it's time for me to take my sleeping pill (I take it an hour before going to bed) and do some studying while sitting in bed. Which really means reading my David Sedaris book as the thought of having to memorize any more than the uh, 20? minutes I already did tonight makes me want to stab things. I don't even want to sit and watch TV (too much input)...I just want to sit. Just sit and do nothing.

How about a little motivation: I only have 6 weeks. AUGHHHH! Crap!

I'm still going to read the fun book while laying in bed. I'm a tired girl...I mean, with all the studying, working, and cleaning up and taking care of the cat I have to do (because somebody is too busy being a Master Gamer)...

Given the right circumstances, I could definitely be a pillhead.

I have had insomnia for about the last 1 1/2 - 2 weeks. I went to the doctor today. I was prescribed sleeping pills. HOORAY. No really, hallelujia.

I'm generally not a pill-drug-etc kind of person (aside from alcohol, of course), but being this exhausted has changed my mind. I haven't been able to study at all this week because my brain just can't focus. Last night I was trying to memorize and literally felt my brain grinding to a halt.

What really sucks is I've gone to bed earlier and earlier every night and I can't sleep. I'm exhausted, and I just lay there, trying to get comfortable. Once I do get to sleep, I wake up several times a night. And nothing makes Jane a grumpy girl like interrupted sleep combined with lack of sleep.

The doctor said that if the sleeping pills work and I sleep the entire night tonight, I'll feel worse tomorrow because my body will be crashing. Yeah.

I'm going to just sit here and let my brain zone out until time to take my pill and go to SLEEP, SLEEP, BEAUTIFUL SLEEP!

Calling all you sympathizers and empathizers...

Warning: this post is a very selfish, bar-studying-induced-crazy rant. I just have to get it out or else things may get thrown and I may become catatonic.

I'm finding it so depressing and just SAD that 2 years after graduating from law school, I am *still* studying for a damn bar exam. Granted, this is my first time with Washington, but I'm so disenchanted with myself for not being able to accomplish being licensed yet. I'd really like to frame my diploma, but I can't because I made a deal with myself when I got it that I wouldn't frame it until I was licensed, because it means all of squat without a license. And where am I 2 years later? Spending another summer studying. I'm not stupid; I understand the amount of hard work this requires and I've never been afraid of hard work. I worked hard in law school and believe it or not, I worked my ass off all three times I tried California (even though my ass is bigger, so unfair!).

I know California was a character building experience, yada yada, and I'm probably ahead of the game as far as preparing and going through the experience of taking a bar exam, but I so wish this bar exam was happening 2 years ago. I feel like I'm the only one left from my law school class still not licensed. WTF is up with that. Of course I don't know that for sure because I haven't kept in contact with everyone (or very many people, actually) and I know the bar exam doesn't define me and I'm lucky to be in a position where I can take it... BLAH BLAH BLAH. Regardless of all that, I still feel like a loser for not having passed yet. And that is the suckiest thing of all. It's starting to feel embarassing when people at work find out I went to law school and am studying for the bar and ask when I graduated. You know, it's almost like I'm turning into that person that everyone rolls their eyes about because "she's still trying to pass the bar".

Is this really about becoming an embarassment to my family & friends or just to myself?

Okay, rant over.

Today has been my first serious, gung-ho, no-messing-around study day. I have done 2 1/2 topics, with memorization and essays for 2 of them. I say 1/2 a topic, because this last topic is kicking and screaming the entire way. I can't get anything to stick in mybrain - the memorization is just not happening. I started at 8:30 am and now it's 10 1/2 hours later, so perhaps I'm a little burned out. Of course I did take a few breaks in there, so it's more like 10 hours. I had planned to go for 2 more hours, but just don't see that happening...which will totally throw my whole schedule off for the month of June, and that is unbelievably irritating. (And not just because I'm type A. Okay, well, maybe...)

A few hours ago I was laying on the floor memorizing and singing my own words to Aerosmith's Crazy: cra-a-a-azy, cra-a-a-a-azy, baby, I've gone cra-a-a-a-a-a-a-azy... From there I've gone into a crash...perhaps something to do with the fruit juice and lemon heads I was popping like a crack addict earlier? Note to self: no sugar tomorrow while studying!

My real dillema is this: I don't think I can do another 2 hours tonight, although I still have 1/2 of one topic to memorize and an essay to do. I just think it will turn into an exercise in frustration and meltdowns. So how do I give myself permission to say I've done enough today without feeling guilty?

OUCH!!!

So today's big discovery at work was the purpose of those little yellow warning stickers in the insides of copy machines. You know, the ones that have a triangle with an exclamation mark and a person holding out a finger over heat waves.

Of course, this discovery came after I'd thoroughly scorched one finger and lightly burned 2 other fingers.

I somehow jammed the copier, and was trying to fix it when I decided my right index finger was one burn + blister short of a perfect day. I just so happened to be copying these memorization sheets for bar study when the jam happened...which is, I suppose, karma's way of telling me I ought NOT be using company resources for personal stuff. Naughty.

In any event, my index finger blistered within a whopping 2 minutes, a personal record for me! The time it has taken for me to type this entry out is probably also a record, given that I'm a finger short on the typing front.

I'm just glad it's raining and univiting outside.

Why, you ask? Do I have a fixation with rain? Not necessarily, although I am a big fan, which is good considering where I live. No, the real reason I'm glad it's rainy today (and forecasted for the whole weekend) is because this weekend is "no really, I'm going to start seriously studying for the bar, really". Sigh. Today it felt like I put in about 15 hours but only produced 3 hours' worth. At least it's a serious concerted effort.

My chiropractor sent me home with an exercise ball on Thursday. I sat on it almost the entire day, and my back was nice and loose. I'm hoping that this is the nice little low-effort magic key to flat abs. Ha.

Anyways, I'm revving up for a nice, cold beer and some poker playing with Husband. I'd better win, that's all I have to say.

My identity thief stole my motivation!

Well, if you think finding out that someone has your social security number, date of birth, and mother's maiden name sucks, try dealing with the aftermath!

I have so far logged between 4-5 hours on the phone, an evening filling in forms/signing affidavits, way too long filling out an online form with the FTC, and longer than I care to admit attempting to file a police report.

And just let me tell you about trying to file a police report. I first went to my city's police department website, and in a shining tribute to the effectiveness of local government, not ONE SINGLE PHONE NUMBER worked. So I then proceeded to go to the main Seattle police department website. To make a very long, painful and extraordinarily frustrating story a bit shorter, I got bounced from automated system to automated system. Once I got through a live person, I kept getting transferred to different precints and departments before I was actually able to make a report.

And I'm fiercely behind in this month's study goals, and I think tonight Husband & I are going to go out and get a margarita...after the ending of America's Next Top Model, that is.