Relaxation Central

So I'm in Vegas right now (anyone coming? Wanna get drinks?) and we keep extending our stay because we don't want to go home - it's just so darn relaxing and quiet and NICE. Except that we're ripping someone else's wireless internet, so the signal sucks and the internet is SLOW and it DRIVES ME CRAZY to do anything online because although I'm relaxed, I'm not blessed with the virtue of patience.

But I'm enjoying the alcohol, food, swimming, gambling (I'm a penny-slot-maching maniac), and total and unabashed TV over-indulgence. It's FABULOUS. I'm currently watching the 40 awesomely bad/worst dirrty bad songs on VH1. It's lovely, and I think R. Kelly is wearing the crown for the MOST bad songs on this list. Hee hee hee.

Anyways, I'm just feeling so out of touch with the rest of the blogging world that I had to suffer through the wretched internet to post.

And I realize I totally neglected to mention in my last posting CARI G. Thanks for being such a great friend over the years! I can't wait 'till you come home!

OK, so I'd like to thank the Academy..

SO, before I go to eat supper and continue the drunken spree, here's who I'd like to thank:

Mz. Rao- for being my sounding board and whining source through this process. I don't know how I could have gotten through the process without you. It will take a lifetime to thank you for your understanding and support.

Ms. KAV - !!! what can I POSSIBLY say - you saved me through law school with your friendship, and saved me through the bar with your memorization sheets. The postcards EVERY DAY IN JULY and the Christmas-in-July-bar-care-package also HELPED IMMENSLY. without you, I'd be in a straight-jacket...seriously! THANKS! If I was clever, I'd be able to link to your site, so everyone go read me link to: CarterSimone.blogspot.com/. I have her bookmarked, so GO CHECK HER OUT because she's WITTY and CLEVER and about the best friend a girl could ask for.

GG: your humor and honesty was FABULOUS! PASS!!! I hope you PASS and wish you only the best things in life. Again, if I was web-savvy, I'd do a clever link to: barexam2005.blospot.com.

JM: YOU CRACK ME UP!!! I wish you were moving to LA or I was moving to San Fran NOW because we would *totally* be friends. And her site is: pagingmrgreen.blogspot.com. As soon as I move to San Fran we are SO TOTALLY getting together, along with GG, because I think both of you guys R-O-C-K in that cheerleader, 'give me an 'R' sort of way.

Eve: again, sorry I'm not web-savvy enough to link to you, and I'm on Husband's MAC computer, so I don't have your weblog favorite-ed, so I can't link to it, but you're SO NICE and INSPIRATIONAL and GOOD FOR THE SOUL.

Witty Sex Kitten: thanks for providing such humor and coming along for the ride. (see the web-savvy excuse above).

Law Fairy: 'ditto' above comments for GG and JM. And perhaps I feel an inordinant connection to you with the whole Chicago thing. See above web-savvy excuse after.

HUSBAND: thanks for putting up with me during this process THREE TIMES. And thanks for putting up with me this time enough to come to the hotel with me. YOU ROCK. And getting me Body Shop giftS totally gets you 3 FULL DAYS of beer wench. I LOVE YOU!!!

FAMILY: thanks for putting up with my fixation with California. I know you are all in the Midwest and can't figure out why Husband and I moved WAY the f*ck out to LA, but thanks for bearing with me. You guys rock.

LADYBERRIES: thanks for getting curious about me and geting back in contact with me. It feels REALLY GOOD to have support from the college days. YOU ROCK.

VAL: I know you read & don't comment, so here's a BIG shout-out to you- you meant a LOT as a high school friend, and you mean A LOT as a current friend. Thanks for getting back in touch with me during the past few months and being so supportive. YOU ROCK, too.

Divster: thanks for being such a nice friend who excuses me temporarily droping off the face of the earth and willing to jump in and be supporting. YOU ROCK, too.

TAYLOR: OMG, I am SO GLAD we got back in touch after 15 (approximately) years. YOU ROCK, TOO!

OH YEAH, BABY, IT'S DONE

SO, I've had sex twice (I packed husband in the luggage and booked an extra night so I wouldn't have to pack) and drank most of a bottle of champagne!!!

I'm going to go eat and blog later... WAY TO GO, ALL MY COMPATROTS! YOU DID IT!

There it is, the good old fashioned Cry Therapy

I was starting to be a big jealous of those of my compatriots in this exam process who had already gotten their Cry on. (Sorry kids, not web-savvy enough to know how to do one of those cool links so I can give proper credit - I promise to learn after the bar. For those in the know, I was thinking of JM over at Paging Mr. Green) WELL, that just got laid to rest.

My emotions have been a bit all over the place today - ecstatic to psychotic to pensive to downright morose. Tonight I tried to look over some checklists and couldn't focuse AT ALL. So I watched a bit of mindless TV and then decided to have a Lush-filled bubble bath.

I was in the middle of enjoying it and had started saying self-affirming things such as: "I'm gonna' do great!", "I'm feeling great!" (a la Bob Wiley style from What About Bob). And in literally 2 seconds I went from feeling calm and peaceful to completely bawling my eyes out. Seriously, great, body-shaking sobs. So now I got my Cry on. I'm feeling nice and calm, except my eyes are all aflame, so I'm going to slather on my comforting Vanilla Bean Noel lotion (I know, not season-appropriate...well just deal) and read through my Madonna-laden Vogue, and go to sleep. IT'S TIME TO SHINE, KITTENS!

it's almost GO time!

So I'm halfway between wanting to absolutely freak out and wanting to break out into sobs. I've been a little nervous since I woke up, which isn't good when you're trying to finish the Trader Joe's not-from-concentrate tangerine juice because you'll be gone all week and it just sounds yummy right now.

I think I'm also nervous because I'm packing Husband up in my luggage and taking him with me. Somehow, I'm just not so sure this is a good idea. He's not so sure, either. But I guess we're both game to play with the devil and see what happens. I think it'll be nice to have a food lackey...and to have a "GET ME THIS NOW" manservant for a few days. Of course payback will undoubtedly be a-comin', complete with beer wench and (I'm sure) some sort of costume. But this is getting off track....

In any event, I'm just trying to keep myself occupied so I'm not sitting on the couch biting my nails and flipping through TV channels or nagging Husband and truly driving him crazy. I haven't yet decided if I'm going to be posting during the exam. I don't think I will, mostly because if I do that, then I'm going to have to check all the other sites I go to compulsively, and I really don't want to run across someone posting about what they wrote on the exam...especially if I didn't write that. So maybe this is my last entry before I'm rid of this ugly monkey the bar exam. Maybe my next entry will be Thurday night when I'm drunk out of my mind.

In the meantime, GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE TAKING THE BAR! See you on the OTHER SIDE!!! (Which brings to mind songs from Boys II Men and Bone Thugs 'N Harmony. Don't ask, really. I plead Durham Insanity.)

If only someone had told me...

The first time I took the CalBar, I think I vibrated for the entire two months I studied with nerves. I didn't know what to expect in terms of parking, food, would I even be able to focus for 3 entire days? Who's advice should I follow? Should I not study at all the Monday before the test? Should I not study anything during the evenings of the test? Augh! So here is some stuff that I've found works for me, and some odds and ends of information that I *really* wish someone had told me.

1) You can take a pillow (not in the pillowcase) in to the exam with you - might be helpful in case your arse starts to get numb. I always bring one, just in case.

2) Wear lots of layers - they like to keep the testing room freezing like a morgue. If you wear a hooded sweatshirt, you can't put the hood on your head. If you do, your proctor will slide a note in front of you, interrupting your writing, telling you to 'REMOVE YOUR HOOD IMMEDIATELY'. Trust me, it will happen. So don't wear anything on your head. But you can strip down if you get too hot, so I'd err on the side of wearing too much, because I'm miserable if I'm too cold and can't think properly because I'm shivering.

3) Keep your earplugs in when you leave the test site. Here's why: last summer, I walked out and heard everyone talking about this 'exception' that I'd never even heard of and hadn't used on one of the essays. You don't need to go through that sort of trauma. Just leave in your earplugs to help drone out any thing like that, because there's NO sense in freaking out - it's done, and you need to relax during the lunch break so you can come in to the afternoon session fresh and focused.

4) If you take a lunch and eat it in your car, keep the windows rolled up, because I can guarantee that there will be people also eating lunch in their cars right next to yours, dissecting the exam, piece by piece. Talk about a way to ruin one's appetite. So just leave the windows rolled up, listen to your ipod, or go find someplace quiet to eat.

5) Don't drink too much during lunch - or drink it all at the beginning of the lunch break. You don't want to just get started on the afternoon session and have to go pee - it just breaks your concentration.

6) During lunch breaks, they lock the doors and don't let you back in until about 15-20 minutes before the next session starts. This is important because this inevitably includes the area where the bathrooms are. If you are sweet, the bouncer-proctors will let you in to run in to the bathroom, but then you have to immediately run back outside.

7) Don't eat anything too heavy for lunch. I ate a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich, with a granola bar. The peanut butter helps carry me through the afternoon, and the sandwich didn't make me want to pass out like eating a pasta salad would.

8) Take a hard candy or something small that you can fit in your pocket. This is useful because I noticed that during the MBE, right around questions #40 and #140, I start to lose focus - so I go to the bathroom, splash a little water on my face, and while I'm in the bathroom stall, quickly unwrap the candy and slip it into my mouth. I'd be too nervous about time & the proctors catching me to consume anything else more substantial.

9) People tell you not to study the night before or the nights of the exam. I did. It's not serious studying, but it's looking over a few things, like MBE tips or looking over short outlines for my more problematic areas. It helped me relax because I couldn't just sit there - I had to feel like I was doing something productive.

10) Eat breakfast every morning. I ate oatmeal and a banana for breakfast every morning, and I didn't get hungry. And if you do, use it to your advantage - at least you're not falling asleep because you ate too much!

11) Be prepared to have to get fingerprinted and give a handwriting sample. It sucks, because you don't want to have to write any more than absolutely necessary, but it's required.

12) For each test session, you have to write some information (your exam number, etc) on a big envelope into which you slide your answers. DON'T WRITE ON THIS BEFORE THEY TELL YOU TO. If you do and a proctor sees you, that can be grounds for kicking you out of the exam. Stupid, yes, but just play the game.

13) About 15 minutes before the exam starts, the main proctor will read a bunch of instructions that most people just zone out to. They also tell you when to write your exam number and other information, though, so I would suggest paying attention and only going to the bathroom if you have to.

14) Unless you're seated next to someone you know, I wouldn't strike up a conversation. Invariably, the person will either be a complete know-it-all and leave you feeling less than confident, or they will be completely freaking out, and you don't want to deal with anyone else's nervous energy. Also there will inevitably be the guy who wants to talk about what you think will show up on the essays and the PT's...this guy won't be able to 'take a hint', so just ignore him. And, well, if you are that guy, just don't.

15) The proctors: there are what seems like hundreds of them. They wander in between the rows, in front and behind you, while you are taking the test. What's worse is that the floor is inevitably squeaky, so you can hear them comin' and goin'. It's really obnoxious. But now you know, so do everything you can to just zone them out.

16) You will hear people sliding their chairs in and out during the entire test. Because they clump so many people together in one big, fat room, and put everyone in those cheap metal folding chairs, there is soooo much squeaking. So if for no other reason than that, bring earplugs. And if you're at Ontario, beware that you're so close to the airport that you'll hear airplanes taking off - only it will sort of sound like thunder.

jumping on the bandwagon

Since all the cool kids are posting their schedules for the next few days before the bar, I'm going to join them and do likewise. So here it is in all its glory:

Today: I still have to outline 1 property essay and 1 professional responsibility essay, do one memorization sheet per topic, and try to do about 10 MBEs in each topic.

Saturday: Outline 1 evidence essay and 3 (ha) community property essays, do a memorization sheet from each topic, and try to do another 10 MBEs in each topic.

Sunday: I'm going to do a memorization sheet from each topic (I'm sensing a pattern here...), 10 MBEs per topic, and try to fully write out 3 essays in a row. If the 3 full essays don't happen, I'm not gonna' cry.

Monday: Do the memorization sheet thing, pack, and drive down to San Diego to get to my hotel before check-in, because I'm OCD and am hoping they'll give me a good room if I get there early (not near an elevator shaft, close to ground floor, non-smoking, etc). After checking in, I'm going to wander around the hotel grounds and find which ballroom the exam will be in. Then I'll probably pace around my room until it's time to eat some supper (pasta - it's all about brain food) and then try to occupy myself until it's time to go to bed. I'll probably check out the pool, sauna, and jacuzzi somewhere in there, too.

And that's it. Totally do-able. Those MBEs every day will most likely come from one of those PMBR books, because all the Bar/Bri questions I've marked up to hell and I'd like some fresh and clean questions.

I just can't wait until this whole stupid thing is over with. Okay, back to those 2 essays... Oh and I have to add that I'm so not going to cry if I don't get to the MBEs, either. I've done plenty thus far.

and then anxiety pounced...

So I've been pretty laid back and calm about the exam until last night. I couldn't sleep because I was completely anxiety ridden. And then I woke up 2 hours ahead of schedule to lie awake in bed and be completely overcome with panic.

Anyone else going through the same thing? I mean a couple days ago, I was like 'gee, I wish the test was this week so I could just get it over with...I'm just so tired of studying' and now I'd like another month, thankyouverymuch. Even my stomach is a mess this morning. I just can't shake it off. Augh!

It's called sunscreen, stupid

I thought I'd remedy my cabin fever by studying at the beach for a while this afternoon. I was pretty productive this morning, so I figured I'd just take my memorization sheets and get in some sunny studying. I live about a mile away from the beach, and 'my' beach is usually emptier than those north or south of me. And usually it's fairly nice at the beach, about 70 with a lovely breeze. Well, today, it was the most crowded I'd ever seen it (don't normal people work on a Tuesday afternoon?) and the sand was scorching hot. But I'm getting off the point.

I'm a little OCD (especially right now), so once I got to the beach and started doing my memorization sheets, I told myself I couldn't leave until I finished all the sheets. I went to the beach at 1:00 pm. Doing all my memorization sheets takes about 2 hours. Why I decided to do this during the most cancer-inducing time of day? Well, so I could multitask and TAN at the same time! Brilliant!

*sigh*.

After I got home, I felt so refreshed! Re-energized! Wonderful! It was GREAT! As the evening wore on I started to feel a little HOT. A lot HOT, in fact. It turns out that my studying for the past two months inside has left my skin lilly-white and after a few hours in the lovely Southern California sun, my skin is RADIOACTIVE! So now that I'm slathered in lovely aloe-vera, I'm going to take my nuclear skin to bed.

I have the best friends in the entire world

I'm back to the emotional stage. It all started this morning when I read a contracts essay question and it made me cry. (A contracts essay, for crying out loud.) I managed to keep myse myself together for most of the day, but this evening after a tearful conversation with Husband (who is out of state) I decided to go get myself a bottle of wine and just let it flow.

I got back from my wine run to discover that I have the best friends in the entire world. One friend who is teaching in South Korea for a year sent me a letter with a sticker saying: "I (pic of soda can) DO IT!".

From another friend, I got SEVEN postcards today, ranging from the hysterical to downright sob-inducing. (OK, so maybe I haven't checked the mail for a few days.) In addition to that, this same postcard friend sent me a Charlie & the Chocolate Factory activity book. (I am a HUGE Johnny Depp fan.)

This, this is just over the top. I have been completely reduced to a puddle on the floor. THANK YOU, my friends. You know who you are. And YOU GUYS ROCK.

Carb-O-Gasm, 2005

I know I'm a stress-induced eater, but GOOD LORD I had no idea how much of a stress-induced carb eater I am! It's begining to be a bit ridiculous. I usually eat the majority of my 'naughty' calories between breakfast and lunch, leaving supper for healthier options like salads and soup. This is mostly because if I don't watch myself, I can get truly carried away. If I do feel a pig-out session coming on, I'll just try to drink a ton of water so I feel water-logged or just go brush my teeth and put an end to the chowing down. However, that has all been shot to hell in the past few days.

Take the lunch I just ate, for example. I went into the meal thinking that I would have some mashed potatoes and corn, with some fri-chik*. I ate that, and then decided my ever-growing gut needed more carbs. So I devoured some potato chips (the baked kind). I'm not even a 'chip' kinda' girl - crackers are more my thing, but we're out, and I'm not going to the store. After the chips, I completely lost my head and went a little crazy with the dark chocolate hershey's kisses.

And I place the blame entirely on the California bar exam. Because how can I expect my brain to be in proper working condition unless I feed it properly? So here's to Carb-O-Gasm, 2005: a week of nothing but carbs, carbs, and more carbs.

*Fri-chik is a soy-based meat substitute and comes from this company worthington foods. I HEART it, so I don't want to hear any crap about it and I don't eat real meat. So there.

I've got a mutiny on my hands...

I've been trying to focus for the past 1/2 hour and my mind absolutely, unequivocally REFUSES to comply. Alas, it's apparently in cahoots with my writing hand because that's refusing to cooperate, too.

Even the 'reward' of putting smiley-face stickers on my schedule book (only if I study more than 7 1/4 hours in a day) isn't having much influence. Oh yes, I'm totally reward-based. I say it stems from my childhood when my mom would bribe me with peanut M&Ms to not bite my fingernails. Which perhaps also explains my relationship with peanut M&Ms. (It's more than just junk food, we have a thing. Let it be.)

At this rate, I'm going to be entirely useless the rest of the night. Oh, I'm sure I'll be able to watch TV, which lately has become more of a 'let's just flip through the channels' type of thing because it takes too much work to actually get involved in any particular program. Although oddly enough, I'll catch myself on the home shopping networks. Why? I haven't the slightest. All I know is that if I have to sit here trying to force myself to accomplish anything for ONE MORE MINUTE I'm going to want to take a sharp #2 pencil to the eyes.

Ho hum

So today I don't really care that I'm taking the bar in just over a week. Oh, I'm still studying and all that jazz, but I'm not really freaking out. Of course this is being said before I grade the set of evidence questions I just did. Normally I think I'd be all full of nervous energy and just this side of crazy, but I'm just kind of blah about it today.

Although it could be due to the fact that I went to bed really, really late last night. I wasn't up late because I was studying or doing anything productive, but because I was taking all these fun & silly onlin quizzes. What type of happy bunny am I? The "I hate you so bad" happy bunny. How type A personality am I? A+ (no, I'm not kidding). Oh, I could go on and on...

It's not that I want to be all freaked out for the next week, but I'd like to feel a little more nerves than I presently do. Or maybe I feel cool because I've got it all under control. (HA) I don't know...and this is starting to feel like the ramblings of a very tired mind (when it's only 10:30 am). Off to grade those evidence questions (wherein we hope I score fabulously well so I don't throw myself off my balcony)...

And now I've reached the fragile stage...

Today I completely ran out of toilet paper. I've never run out of toilet paper before in my life. So, I decided to go to the grocery store and stock up on all the food I need for the next week because, well, if you're going for toilet paper you might as well make a whole trip of it.

I was a little worried I might turn homicidal having to deal with so much of the general public when I've been holed up in my apartment, but as it turns out, I was not at all homicidal. Fragile, ABSOLUTELY.

Apparently, I'm so fragile that all the choices completely overwhelmed me. What kind of whole wheat bread do I get? What kind of breakfast cereal? Do I go with the bag of pre-selected oranges or do I pick my own? Do I get the package of 4 tomatoes or do I pick my own? After spending a good 20 minutes trying to track down the mashed potatoes (NOT in the rice/pasta aisle), I thought I was going to have to just sit down in the pasta/rice aisle and burst into tears. I still feel completely emotionally devastated.

And really, who becomes emotionally unraveled at the grocery store? It's just not right. I think I'm going to take a bubble bath and recover.

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UPDATE: the cereal I apparently picked, Honey Bunches of Oats, is not something I'm a fan of. It's a little corn-flakes when I think I was looking for more of a Raisin Bran sort of thing. *sigh*.

How NOT to start your day

Start your day at 5:45 am. Add encounter with the traffic cops at LAX airport. Shake well. Serve chilled with a side of WTF.

LAX traffic is always crazy, what with 35 drivers trying to get right up next to the curb, so I could understand if the traffic cops were, oh, helpful. But they didn't send the helpful traffic cops to LAX. NO. They sent the Angry and Pissed Off Traffic Cops to LAX. WHY? I DON'T KNOW.

I get to the drop-off zone and I see an opening. Of course there's a traffic cop standing between me and the opening, and while I'd really like to take him out with my car, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon might revoke my good character standing with the California state bar. Fantasies aside, this traffic cop uses his index finger and does what for all intents & purposes appears to be a motion for me to move forward. I inch my way forward because, again, I don't want any assault or battery charges against me, and this Angry and Pissed Off Traffic Cop jumps on the front of my car. I immediately start freaking out because this cannot result in anything good. I feel it necessary to point out that at the point he jumped on my car, I WASN'T MOVING. MY CAR WAS NOT IN MOTION.

This Angry and Pissed Off Traffic Cop comes raging around to my side of the car and ORDERS me to roll down my window and then proceeds to CHASTISE me for NOT FOLLOWING HIS ORDERS CORRECTLY. Because obviously he was motioning for me to go LEFT, not forward, where there was a HUGE OPEN SPACE and nobody else gunning for it. Right.

To add to my righteous indignation, even Husband was totally on my side in this and thought that the traffic cop was way out of line. And if Husband was on my side, then you know I didn't do anything wrong! Despite feeling completely vindicated in my anger, I think when Husband flies back I may just tell him to take a cab home (yes, I live that close to LAX).

And now after such excitement, I'm supposed to just calmly pick up the studying and get back to work...just as the fatigue of getting up at the crack of freaking dawn is starting to hit me...

And that's how you feed addictions...

My plan to spend the evening doing my memorization sheets got shot to hell when Husband & I decided to celebrate our 2 year anniversary tonight (a week early), as he's leaving tomorrow for a week and will miss our actual anniversary day. After we had something to eat (& a very lovely red apple martini) we poked into a few stores and this is how you feed my addiction: you suggest that we go into Sephora and Lush. Because this is a good idea.

Let me just say right now that I am ADDICTED to Sephora. Seriously. When I go in there it's like letting a 6 year old loose in a candy store. And as my bank can attest, I rarely make it in there without dropping a small mortgage payment. I've even managed to get my product-free sister into it, which is saying a lot. Although I think maybe she just digs how they gift wrap the stuff you order online. I still consider it a huge success that I've gotten her hooked.

Tonight it wasn't so much Sephora that did me in (surprisingly), but Lush. I absolutely melted into a puddle on the floor. Seriously, it's just not right to take someone who is studying for the bar and under a financial budget into a store designed to make you happy and relaxed and remember that life is beautiful. Fortunately, my brain started working before too much damage was done, but I still made it out the door with bubble bath bars and this fantastic 'smitten' almond/shea butter lotion. Because I need more lotion and bubble bath.

So I think I'm going to slather myself in my new lotion and go to bed.

Thank you, Mr. Cruise

I'd like to give a big shout-out of thanks to Mr. Tom Cruise. Before him, there really wasn't an adequate name to give this stage of studying for the bar exam. Psychopath Stage almost hit the mark, but nothing does it justice like calling it the Tom Cruise Phase. This Phase involves several stages:

1) The Panic Stage: You wake up one morning and are completely panic striken. Not only are you thinking of all the things that can go wrong in the next 2 weeks, but you're obsessing about everything that can possibly happen during the exam itself. You start to hyperventilate while trying to go back to sleep, so you decide to just get up and start studying. You do about 5 minutes of memorization which turns into repeating OHMYGOD I'MNEVERGOINGTOPASS over and over.

2) The 'Are You With Me' Stage: You start to feel foam form at the corners of your mouth. You start to write I'M FREAKED OUT emails to your study pals and find that thankfully, the Tom Cruise Phase has happened to them. You proceed to spend the next few hours feeding the psychosis by swapping "I'm crazier than you are right now" emails with these afflicted study pals.

3) The Mania Stage: Your psychosis is brought home by the fact that your spouse/roommate goes to buy you a bottle of wine at 10:30 am, which you seriously consider cracking open and downing in 2 gulps. But no, MANIA has taken over and you MUSTKEEPSTUDYING, MUSTKEEPSTUDYING.

4) The Stark Raving Mad Stage: This stage jumps in when you receive a sale email from Ann Taylor, and decide to open it because maybe a little shopping will calm you down. You don't care that you are in the middle of outlining an essay, you'll just check it out quick. What then happens can only be described as catastrophic. This little Ann Taylor email completely freezes your computer, so that your essay outline is lost. LOST. IT HAS BEEN RAPTURED AND IS NOT RECOVERABLE. Yes, Ann Taylor is a cheeky bitch for crashing your computer and making you lose your outline. This is the point at which your spouse/roommate may turn to you and say 'you're scaring me'. You may have started jumping on your couch and pounding your fists in the air, although this isn't in the spirit of proving your 'love' isn't just about publicity, it's more along the lines of I'M GOING TO KILL THE BAR EXAMINERS, all the while laughing like you've gone cold-turkey off your meds because it's such a crackpot pseudo-science and is just masking your problems.

5) The Straightjacket Stage: You manage to get yourself slightly back under control enough to keep studying and decide to have a glass of strawberry lemonade instead of wine. You have a few sips and then, in what can only be described as completely debilitating, YOU SPILL THE ENTIRE GLASS OF LEMONADE ALL OVER YOUR STUDY DESK. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You manage to keep your wits long enough to whisk your computer out of the way, but now everything will forevermore reek of strawberry lemonade. Good thing you just bought the 40 quart container of it at Costco, because you'll never again be able to drink it. And another good thing that your study desk is actually the dining room table, which will now forever reek of strawberry lemonade. Thank you, Ikea for making scratch-n-sniff furniture. It's at this point that you start to think that maybe your spouse/roommate has called 911 and that every emergency-vehicle siren you hear is really intended for you and you're going to be taken away, locked up, and highly sedated. And you're not sure that would be such a bad thing.

So THANK YOU, MR. CRUISE. Thanks for giving my lunacy a public face and enabling my spouse/roommate to have such an apt term for this phase of studying!

the joys of apartment life

Is it really necessary for the people living below me to be blasting their music so loud that I could get up and dance to it if I wanted to? And seriously, do they need to sing at the top of their lungs to the music? I realize it's a Saturday morning, but shouldn't they have a little respect for the people who want to sleep past 10:00 am? How about having a little respect for the people STUDYING FOR THE BAR EXAM?

As it gets closer to the bar exam I realize that any patience I might possess in non-bar life is evaporating, but seriously, this is out of control. I mean, what, did they notice that the neighborhood Tourette's birds were absent today and decide to take their place? It's a damned good thing that I'm well versed in criminal law because Husband owns a gun*...and I'm sure a little target practice would do wonders for my general state of mind.

*N.B.: I'm normally a peaceful and non-violent person (except with spiders in my apartment) and usually pretend that Husband doesn't even own a gun. This is just to give you perspective into how studying for the bar turns you into a very warped and angry individual.

the birds

So my apartment is on the 3rd floor and it faces a street lined with alarm-happy cars (a whole 'nother post). There's a tree that's directly in front of my balcony - I could probably climb into it and escape if the fire alarms are ever indicative of a real fire (again, a whole 'nother post). There are these cute little birds that love to sit in this tree, directly in front of my balcony. Cute, sure. Annoying as shit? Absolutely.

It's not that they're chirping or singing about the fact that they're birds and get to sit in the tree all day long. It's that they sound like they've got Tourette's. And it's not just every few seconds, it's like entire chunks of time screaming at the top of their little birdie lungs. I'm not really a violent person, but OMG these birds are driving me stark raving mad. Seriously, I've resorted to sliding open the doors and raging out onto the balcony waving my arms and screaming like a lunatic to get a few minutes of peace.

And as I'm writing this, one has come back and is screaming to his pals to come back. Little shits.

Letter to the people who keep calling my number looking for that business...

Here's the deal, people: that company you keep calling for? They changed their phone number. The phone company (may it rot in hell) gave it to us. Although we asked for the cheapest calling plan, we certainly didn't ask for the company's cast-off number. Be that as it may, there are a few things we need to discuss.

When you call and we don't answer the phone because we know it's you and you hear our very non-business answering machine message, why do you leave a message for so-and-so in the sales department or verifying delivery information? Better yet, why do you start to leave a message, stop in the middle, hang up, and call our number again? You're going to get the same answering machine message.

Those of you who call and hear our non-business message, why do you just let the message run and then hang up, only to call back 3 seconds later and do it again? Do you really think that something will change in those 3 seconds?

Yes, we know you're a very competent phone number dialer and that you checked, double-checked, then re-checked the number and still got us. But things change, people, things change. That's the beauty of recycling phone numbers. Instead of getting an imminently useful "this # is no longer in service" message, you get us. Lucky you.

And those of you who call and are lucky enough to have your call answered, you have a special place in the darkest part of my heart. Initially, I would tell you people that you had the wrong number. We even changed the answering machine message to state that "this is not the number for XYZ company", but you still kept calling and leaving messages. People, we've had this phone number for 14 months. It's time to get with the program. So now when you call, that's why I say "no, this isn't XZY company; they changed their number over a year ago and this number no longer belongs to them."

I know you're hearing is excellent and that you hear me tell you they changed their number, so WHY do you call back again? Do you think I'm lying? I'm not. I'm not even trying to play a practical joke. I'm not even halfway kidding around with you, old pals that we are. And when you call back and we have to go through the whole dance again, do not ask me to look up the number for you. If you're lucky enough to catch me on a good day, I'll tell you ever so sweetly to look in an updated phone book. It is not then a good idea to ask me to look it up for you. I will hang up on you if you do that.

Here's why I don't have time to look up the phone number for you: I am VERY BUSY STUDYING FOR THE BAR EXAM. I do not have time to look things up for you. So people, please, it's been over a year. STOP CALLING MY APARTMENT! I am no longer responsible for what I may say to you over the phone nor what I may do to you if I am able to hunt you down. Please, get yourselves an updated phone book and go on your merry way.