woo-hoo...it's December...

Wow. My day has been just chock full of activity:

1. I took a shower. I took a shower before 3:00 p.m.

2. I watched Ocean's Eleven.

3. I had a Corona.

4. Husband & I went grocery shopping and had a late lunch.

5. I watched Ocean's Twelve.

6. I played fetch with my cat (I swear he's more dog than cat).

7. I ate a banana with peanut butter (natural, creamy). Yummy.

8. I played a Bach Fugue (from the Well-Tempered Clavier, Book I) on my brand new, early Christmas present piano keyboard.

9. I am currently watching Snatch.

10. I am debating between having a beer, a glass of wine (red or white?), or a vodka cranberry. Hmmm. Decisions, decisions.

11. Husband has off from work tonight (he works nights) and so I think I may see just how late I can stay up tonight. Not like I have anything to get up for tomorrow...

12. Oh, I got a santa hat at the grocery store. I'm currently wearing it. I might take a picture of me wearing it. I might post said picture. But that's a lot of mights.

13. The cat thinks the white pom on the end of my santa hat is his personal chew toy. I think he's teething because he's chewing on everything. Do cats even teethe (sp?) or is he just being attitudinal?

14. I think I might watch the remake of The Thomas Crown Affair after Snatch is over, although Husband may kill me if I do since I've seen it approximately 5,000 times. And no, I'm not really exaggerating.

15. Phew! Exhausting, I tell you. What a busy day.

Yes, I'd like that...

This morning Husband was making me breakfast, and asked if I'd like a side of esteem with my bagel.

the dust has settled a bit...

Thanksgiving was nice. My parents came to visit. This was a bit nerve-wracking, because I haven't really had the best relationship with them. But things went well. We did a lot of sight seeing, cooking, eating, shopping...eating...eating...eating. (Yay for carbs.) My parents got the cat a laser pointer toy, and I've never seen a cat go so nuts before - he literally follow that about 3 1/2 feet up a wall.

And now that Thanksgiving is over, I just sort of feel a bit lost. I don't think it's really sunk in yet that I'm no longer employed. Can we say "denial"? I mean, I've had lots of other jobs, some full-time, some temp, some part-time, and I've never had any problems where I've worked...not to mention that I've never been fired.

So I've been listening to a lot of Death Cab for Cutie...and sort of just moping around. The cat has been nice companionship. I got a free pass to see an advanced screening for the movie The Producers tonight, but I never called in to tell them I was planning to go. And I'm not really feeling up for leaving the apartment. In fact, I sort of just want to crawl back into bed. And I would, except Husband is back to working nights, so he's sleeping right now.

I think this really fully explains where I'm at: if somebody gave me free money and told me to shopping and buy myself whatever I wanted, I'd probably say "thanks, just leave the money on the counter" and continue to lay here listelessly on the couch. Furthermore, if somebody told me to pack because they were giving me an all-expense paid island vacation, I'd probably just shrug and say "ok, do I have to go now?" And that, my friends, is saying a lot.

As far as FUTURE PLANS go, I haven't really settled on anything. Husband and I are thinking fairly seriously about Seattle, but we don't want to make any decisions until we've done our research. We're thinking about going up to Seattle for a few days in January to do some apartment hunting and hopefully job interviewing. The nice thing is that the company Husband works for is all over the states, and he can be transferred to any store in any state, so that just leaves me to find a job. Joy. Anyways, IF ANYONE HAS ANY WISDOM/TIDBITS/KNOWLEDGE TO IMPART ABOUT SEATTLE, PLEASE SHARE.

Ok, back to watching crappy daytime TV... *sigh*

Sympathy, part two...

Well, as if this week couldn't get worse, I GOT FIRED YESTERDAY.

First tell you that some of you were spot-on with your guesses that the Conversant from Monday's post was a higher up. In fact, it was MY BOSS. And this gets so much more unfuckingbelieveable ...

Let me preface this whole getting fired scenario with a little background info. First, my BOSS was about the most passive aggressive individual I've ever dealt with. Ever. On Monday afternoon, Boss asked me if I would drive him to where his car was being repaired. I didn't really feel comfortable with this, so I said I couldn't. He gets instantly upset and said in a highly pissed off voice: "well THANKS A LOT for helping me out."

I usually leave at around 4:00-4:15 p.m. At 3:45 p.m., the BOSS calls me into his office. If I would have had any inkling that I was about to get canned, I would have beaten him to the punch and resigned. But I didn't even see it coming. So, he says "I've talked to everyone, and while they all really like you as a person, EVERYONE feels that you're just not a team player, and we've decided that today will just go ahead and be your last day."

I respond with the only thing I can think of: "well, I think it's really better for all of us." Can we say LAME?!?

Since I still have some time before I would normally leave for the day, I go back out to make sure there are no loose ends and everything is tied up. So I'm in the middle of writing an email to a co-worker, telling her what else needs to be done on a few items, and he comes in and says "WHY are you still here? WHEN are you leaving?"

I respond: "well, I thought I would just stay until I normally leave."

Boss: "WHY?!" [keep in mind that he's saying everything tinged with anger.] "Why don't you just leave now?"

me: "well, I'm not that kind of person and I wanted to make sure there were no loose ends."

I don't quite remember, but me not being a "team player" was brought up again. And then I decided to spit back a little bit, so I said: "furthermore, I have talked to the associates, and that is not what they have intimated to me."

Boss: "WELL, that's the problem, THEY JUST CAN'T COMMUNICATE WITH YOU."

What?!? So, apparently nobody can communicate with me? That's just complete bullshit. Seriously. I had a great working relationship with everyone else in that firm, and everyone's take on the Boss is just essentially to roll their eyes. [Have I mentioned the high turnover rate at this firm?]

Anyways, he asks me several times if I've left my key, and escorts me down in the elevator. And in the elevator, he says, in the most annoyed voice ever: "good luck with Indiana or Illinois or wherever it is that you're going to."

He had the file clerk accompany me to my car and out of the parking garage so I could give her my parking card. I mean, seriously. He even had my last check ready. And it wasn't coming from the usual paycheck source - it was handwritten from the firm's general account.

The thing is, I honestly think it was him who thought I wasn't a team player because I wouldn't take him to get his car. Really.


So, really, I think the past 5 days have just TAKEN THE CAKE. WHITE FLAG! WHITE FLAG!

Sympathy is NOT billable!

An ACTUAL conversation I had today:

Conversant: I could ask, but I'm guessing you didn't pass the bar.

Me: That's correct.

Conversant: Well, it's only six months out of your life, you'll just have to do it again. You'll get over it.

Me: Actually, I'm not going to be taking the California Bar Exam again.

Conversant: WHAT?!!

Me: Husband & I are planning to move out of state sometime around February.

Conversant (with palpable distaste and contempt): WHY NOT? CAN YOU NOT HANDLE IT? IT IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO DEAL WITH? You're just going to AVOID it and move out of the state?

Me: Well, Husband & I moved out here from Michigan kind of on a lark, and it hasn't worked out well. We have never really adjusted to living out here, and have never enjoyed it. Furthermore, neither of us has family out here, and we're just not happy living here.

Conversant: Well, I should hope your attitude improves about this, because I don't want you moping about this still by Friday.

Me (cheeks getting red with shocked anger): I should hope everyone would be understanding today.

Conversant: Of course.

Me: What do you mean, then?

Conversant: Well, I don't want you bringing down the MORALE of this firm. So I hope you're not still moping by the end of the week.


And all the people said: unFUCKINGbelievable.

doesn't this just SUCK

Apparently, the cosmic gods are trying to tell me something: passing the California bar exam was not meant to be.

I. GET. IT.

The strange thing is that I'm not emotional, just sort of in shock and "huh?!". I just don't get it. I'm really trying to embrace the "it is what it is" approach, but I'm still just gobsmacked. Obviously, it wasn't the right time and it wasn't meant to be, at least not right now. But damn, if this doesn't just completely blow.

And please, no pity. My fractured ego and self-respect is tenuous as it is, and I have the very big task ahead of me of going into work on Monday and swallowing whatever dignity I have left. So no urban legends, no pity, please.

oh, lordy

My heart is going to pound right through my chest.

Crickey.

holy shit

My anxiety is interfering with my ability to write in anything other than lists. Here are my current anxiety-addled thoughts:

1) The good news is that tomorrow this mindfuck of a process will be over.

2) What kind of sicko set up this terrible California bar exam process?

3) What kind of sociopath decided that after studying for 2-3 months, you should be forced to wait for four ridiculous months for the results of a three day test.

4) I think there's a special place in hell for the people behind #3 above, especially the four month waiting process.

5) Tonight Husband took me for non-fish sushi (cucumber/avocado rolls) and then shopping for vodka & chocolate. I think I'm set for tomorrow night.

6) I don't want to go to work tomorrow but I don't want to stay at home tomorrow either. I don't think I'll be able to focus or come down off my mental ledge at either place, so I might as well just go to work and be a mess there so I'm not burning a hole in my carpet pacing.

7) I cannot tell you how much I think I will come undone if I have to go through this process again.

8) I want to pass this damn exam. I want to pass it so badly I cannot breath properly.

9) I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack before 6:00 p.m. tomorrow.

10) I think I need to invent a way to get alcohol intravaneously, for moments like these.

Way to go, me...

So, apparently you can stress yourself SICK.

*sigh*

Time, you evil little wench.

The worst. possible. thing. ever: being already fairly panic-stricken and not having enough work to keep you busy, so you are forced to sit and think...and think...and panic...and panic...and oh, crap.

I just can't believe it's already monday...night. My stomach feels like an acid factory, and I have this lovely tightness around my chest. Hello, stress, soooooo glad to have you back.

Where did the past 4 months go? Seriously? Don't get me wrong: I'm soooooo ready for this whole process to be over - I'd like to be able to plan my future and get out of this holding pattern I've been in. But I just don't think I'll EVER be able to prepare for the possibility of not being able to move on.

Look ma, no hands!

This weekend my mother-in-law is coming for a visit. Unfortunately, I don't get tomorrow off, so that means doing snatch cleaning here and there. When it comes to me cleaning, Husband can attest to the fact that I can be a bit...ah...neurotic. Hee hee. I've been noticing lately how my couches were looking a bit hairy (thank you, cat), and it was kind of skeeving me out. So on the way home from work I stopped at Home Depot to rent a steam cleaner.

This was an excellent idea in theory.

First of all, if you're going by yourself to rent a steam cleaner, you should prepare yourself for some awkward lifting. Seriously. It took me a good 10 minutes to figure out how to get it into my trunk. And I was still wearing work clothes.

Secondly, you're supposed to vaccum your furniture first. And yes, when the directions suggest vaccuming first, they really do mean it. And yes, the steam cleaning works much better after the furniture's been vaccumed. Ha! Oh, and it takes a few hours for the furniture to dry out, even when you cover the furniture with blankets, so the cat can't frolic around on the wet-ish couches and make them all furry again.

Also, you may want to think twice about taking Husband's brand new car to return the rented steam cleaner, as it is extremely likely you'll drop the steam cleaner while putting it into the trunk, because the steam cleaner is so freaking awkard & heavy-ish to lift, and you will end up scratching the crap out of Husband's new car's bumper. Crap!

How to have a fabulous ending to a great weekend...

1. Start with a clean apartment.

2. Lather and rinse in a freshly cleaned bathroom.

3. Add in two freshly washed towels (love that downey-cleaned smell).

4. Mix in freshly washed pajamas (ditto for the downey).

5. Finish off on the couch with a glass of wine, kitten purring on your legs, catching up on TiVo.

ahhhhhh....

I heart margaritas

Here's how to have an excellent evening:

1) go to Chili's.

2) order an El Nino Margarita. (Be prepared for the toxic levels of alcohol contained therein.)

3) order chips & salsa, because trust me, by the time you get to the bottom of the El Nino, you'll want something to munch on.

4) Decide to go bowling.

5) Happen to be dressed fairly damn sexy, because you had originally dressed for a date, not for bowling.

6) get ogled, with accompanying lewd and lascivious comments, while waiting to order a beer, from an incredibly intoxiated individual.

7) avoid thinking about the objectification aspect of being ogled, and instead focus on the fact that your barzam weight gain resulted in incredible cleavage, which has stuck around while your post-barzam diet/exercise program has resulted in loss of weight. Hooray for cleavage!

55-friday will bite your ankles

She decided to sit with herself for a bit, mulling over the bits and pieces of conversation they'd shared. She knew she was reaching the inevitable conclusion.

Pensively, she raised the glass to her lips in a silent toast. They'd lived an excessively robust life, that was for sure.

"Congratulations," she said with a sigh.

Murphy, murphy, murphy...

1) Murphy's law says that the night you really need sleep will be the night you toss and turn for an hour, unable to fall into blissful slumber.

2) Murphy's law says that once you actually do fall asleep, a FALSE FIRE ALARM WILL GO OFF AT 1:30 A.M., keeping you awake for a full hour before it gets turned of and you can fall back asleep.

3) Murphy's law says that the day you are so tired everything hurts and you can hardly think straight, the other shoe you didn't know was hanging above you will drop with a loud, resounding thud. Oh, fuck.

Oh, I've got orange nails all right...

I don't really have anything specific to say or a point to make, and while I hate doing a post where I'm just blabbing, I feel I need to write something, especially since I skipped out on 55-friday. So here are some random thoughts.

1. I've really been craving pickles lately. And no, it's not pregnancy-related.

2. I painted my nails orange today, in honor of the great HALLOWEEN tomorrow.

3. I saw "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" this past week for the first time ever. And yes, Linus, I believe you!

4. I went shopping yesterday and got new shower gel and a black cardigan, to replace one that just crapped out on me this last week.

5. I discovered that Bath & Body Works only gets ONE shipment of fall-scented items, in August, and once it's gone, there's NO MORE. Which includes all things pumpkin-scented, even shower gel. It's not even HALLOWEEN, people. There is something wrong with your store's merchandising selections when it's not even halloween yet and your main store display is Christmas. Seriously. Is there anything wrong with waiting until Thanksgiving for this?

6. I watched several scary halloween movies which required vodka shots for my viewing ability.

7. Decided that I'm definitely getting too old to be doing vodka shots, especially when they come in multiples.

8. Decided that Jane magazine is most emphatically not the same magazing that got me through college and law school without Jane Pratt the founder and editor for 9 years. *sniff*. Jane Pratt, you OWE your loyal readers (yes, I've been with the magazine from the get go) an explanation as to WHY THE HELL YOU LEFT.

9. Decided that instead of carving a pumpkin, I would instead paint one with glue and then cover it in super fine glitter, a la Martha Stewart. I have now done two in this fashion: a tiny one and a medium-sized one, both in super fine copper-colored glitter, and they both look gorgeous. I will post a picture as soon as Husband decides to unearth the rechargable batteries and charge them for our camera. (So no holding your breath.)

10. Am not really sure how ready I am for Monday to be happening to me tomorrow. Ugh.

11. Am weighing all the ramifications of having a second glass of chardonnay...and another pickle slice.

my TV was steaming...

I just watched an episode of the Tonight Show that I had on TiVo (I think it was from yesterday or the night before) and the musical guest was Institute - which just so happens to be Gavin Rossssssssdale's new band. And can I just say how yummmmmmmy he is?!? Watching him move with that guitar...HOT DAMN! Oh, and I thought the music was fairly good, too.

Hello, stress...glad to have you back

Sunday night I had something akin to a panic attack. I was laying in bed, waiting for sleep to catch up with me, and suddenly I was like hyperventilating thinking about checking bar results and the potential of seeing that I hadn't passed the bar. Again. And oh my god, I'm just not sure I'll be able to handle that again. On Monday morning I woke up with one of the biggest caker sores I've ever had, and today I feel another one sprouting on the other side of my mouth. Joy, oh joy.

Anyways, I'm just feeling a little strung out and fragile and had to share. Now: send the lurve.

7-7-7 tagged

Ok, so Chai tagged me for this:

7 things I plan to do before I die
1. learn how to ballroom dance
2. play violin at carnegie hall
3. be a published author
4. learn to speak Spanish and French fluently
5. live abroad
6. own a Boesendorfer
7. become a pastry chef

7 things I can do
1. edit (papers, etc.)
2. play musical instruments (violin & piano)
3. bake a mean pie and batch of chocolate-chip cookies from scratch
4. be extraordinarily, incredibly, wonderfully organized
5. be empathetic/a good listener/a good friend
6. pick out really awesome gifts for my friends
7. give myself a french manicure and pedicure

7 things I cannot do
1. speak any other languages
2. dance, ballroom or otherwise
3. cook gourmet food
4. be unorganized/spontaneous
5. ignore/get sucked into a TV when it’s on
6. take big risks (sky diving, gambling, etc.)
7. sleep in

7 things that attract me to another person
1. melancholiness/being artistic
2. genuine-ness
3. a splendid dark, sarcastic sense-of-humor
4. someone who gives you space to be you without asking for explanations or apologies
5. respect
6. education
7. loyalty

7 things that I say the most
1. oh my god
2. groovy
3. shut up
4. oy vey
5. crap
6. shit
7. fuck

7 people I want to do this
1. Kav
2. S
3. Utopaforia
4. ladyberries
5. Cari G
6. Eve-Marie
7. JM

55 - this won't hurt a bit

"Let's get started. You won't feel a thing, now lay back and try to relax."
"Ah, um, okay. Just try to make it quick."
"Are you ready?"
"Oh, right, like you can ever really prepare for this."
"Okay, take a deep breath and close your eyes."
"Just get it over with already."
Ah, dental exams.