Lost my muse!

Have you seen her? She done gone.

I keep trying to write about being pregnant but I can't.

I'm blocked.

I've thought about starting a list of thoughts, that might be easier. So let's start now.

1. It's funny - I know, logically, how you get pregnant, but when I found out I was, I immediately went "wait, how did this happen?" I can't imagine how I would have felt if I wasn't licensed, didn't have a good job, didn't have some financial security. It's totally scary having those things, let alone not!

2. Not everyone is that oh-so-delighted to be pregnant. Before my current position at work, I sat next to a girl who, upon telling me she was pregnant, said it very matter-of-fact and not at all the typical giddy way you usually think. At the time, I thought to myself it was weird that she wasn't excited, didn't seem that happy. Then I got pregnant, and I totally "got" how she felt. It's been great to have someone like her to bond with over this - and to have someone who's not all mother-earth and is real to talk about it with.

3. The way I found out I was pregnant was, well, I'd gone home early from work on a Friday, thinking I had some sort of stomach flu. I spent the whole weekend on the couch, not getting better or worse, and when I went to work on Monday, I started having a niggling thought in the back of my mind that I should take a test. When I took the test Tuesday morning, it immediately went positive. And I thought I was going to die.

4. It's important not to judge yourself on how you feel/react to a situation, but just to let yourself feel it. Very hard, when the whole world seems to think you should be ecstatic but you're just not quite there yet.

5. Right away, my boobs exploded and were incredibly painful. I immediately couldn't sleep on my stomach anymore and had to buy bigger bras. I'm already on my second set of bras because my boos just won't stop. They've finally slowed down, but now I can't sleep on my stomach because it's too big.

6. I spent about 4 1/2-5 months being sick. Calling it "morning sickness" is a complete joke; for me it was all day sick, and it got worse in the evenings. When I say "sick", I don't just mean nauseated; I mean sick to the point where I was fully expecting people at work to pull me aside and ask if I had an eating disorder. After I announced it to everyone at work, one girl said she wondered.

7. Everything you think you can expect, don't - well, maybe to say expect the unexpected. I already have a fairly limited diet, seeing as how I'm mostly vegan and have food allergies and a "delicate" palate. Well, it turns out I couldn't really eat anything, but had to eat something. I'd get sick if I ate, sick if I didn't eat. I've never eaten so much ginger or peppermint; in fact, I think I've used up my lifetime allotment of those two items. No, unfortunately, peppermint mochas just don't do it anymore.

8. Because I was so sick, I didn't exercise at all. I probably should have, no, definitely should have, but it was just difficult to get through every day. I've started exercising now, and it's HARD WORK - I never realized that just walking up a hill or a flight of stairs would leave me winded. And they tell me it only gets better.

9. I still can't eat salads or red sauces (*sniff*), and soups and hot drinks are mostly no-go. Once I stopped being sick, I started getting heartburn. And you can't have rolaids when you're pregnant, just tums. However, the last time I went to eat two tums I ended up bent over the toilet, so those are out. I can take Pepcid, which I do, but try not to so much.

10. Chocoate, pastries, and sweets in general were totally out while I was getting sick. I can eat them now, but if I eat too much I get heartburn.

11. Getting sick while pregnant TOTALLY BLOWS, and you get sick way too often. Apparently, when you are pregnant, your immune system is wacky and decides to catch any germ that comes along. It's pretty awesome.

12. There are lots of things you can and can't do when you're pregnant, which I of course can't remember because my memory is shot (more on that in a minute). One thing is that you're supposed to floss every day, because when pregnant you're much more likely to get gingivitis.

13. Okay, the memory thing. It's totally true. I can't remember anything to save my damn life. It totally sucks. The only thing that saves me, work-wise, is having a crackberry to keep my schedule, otherwise I'd be totally fucked.

14. Everything is harder when you're pregnant. People tell me I have "the glow", but I pretty much just feel like a water buffalo. You know how when you feel bloated and/or fat how you feel like your stomach just sticks out so far? Well, times that by like a million and you get the idea of what being pregnant is like. I never realized how eminently frustrating it would be to try to find clothes. Up until about 5 1/2 months, I wasn't really showing. Except I was bloated so I couldn't wear my regular clothes, yet maternity clothes looked ridiculous on me. And nobody sells clothes for that in-between stage. It totally sucks.

15. Although I haven't had any medical complications, I've had lots of physical issues and non-serious but TOTALLY irritating and miserable physical symptoms. Sleeping is a bitch and a half. I have 2 body pillows (which I call my bodyguards) and 2 head pillows and I'm still massively uncomfortable in any position. Oh, you can't lay flat on your back after about week 20, which really sucks. I've had ridiculously bad musculo-skeletal pain, which is worse when I lay on my right side. And my hips makes sleeping on either side for too long at once really painful. I had to go buy an egg-crate mattress for my side of the bed which has helped a LOT, but it's still not ideal.

16. For me, all the movement has felt like really exaggerated gas. People describe it as feeling like flutters or popcorn, but for me it's mostly just felt like gas. While I'm still not all mother-earth and talking to my belly or anything like that, it's totally weird and fascinating to see and feel the movement. In fact, I've gotten to the point where I can poke my belly and I get a response back. It's totally weird.

17. I'm currently sick with a really awful head cold and the only things I could possibly take are: tylenol, sudafed, or suck on zinc lozenges (but not cold-ease, or however it's spelled). And of course we don't have any tylenol in the house, and for me, once I've started suffering, why break the martyr streak, you know?

18. I'm finding it hard to get myself motivated to deal with stuff like...oh, childcare, a birthing plan (other than knowing I want drugs - hello, epidural!), selecting a pediatrician, that sort of thing.

There's lots more to say, but OH I can't remember. Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, I'm due on tax day, of all days.

Back...?

Well howdy there. How have you all been?


I've been busy.

What have I been busy doing?


Keeping my job admist all the layoffs happening.
Having a fabulous tropical vacation.
Enjoying the holidays.

Oh, and being pregnant.

Out of commission...

So my computer is ONCE AGAIN back at the doctor's. I will *never* purchase another Compaq piece of crap!

In other news, I've got some stuff going on - personal, not work. I'm not really sure how much, if any, I want to disclose...

stay tuned.

Posting may be on hiatus for a while.

It's time for a Rant!

Okay, so, I'm all for spreading our businesses and call centers all over the world, but there comes a point when it's completely counter-productive.

Take this morning, for example.

I am supposed to be "working from home" today, because we have our final walk-through at the house and are signing docs today. What with the wonky bus schedules and the cost of parking downtown, my awesome boss agreed to let me work from home.

In preparation for today (and Thursday, when we get the key to the house!, and then one day next week when I have some doctors' visits), I put in all sorts of requests for the software, etc., that would allow me to successfully work from home. This process alone involved me spending about 45 minutes on the phone with our technology support people in India. Sigh. As frustrating as that was, it eventually got worked out and I was given instructions on what to do this morning to log into the work network from home.

I think I should probably insert here that I'm not necessarily technologically inclined.

Well, this morning I attempt to log on and utilize this wireless access thing so I can actually work from home. I get nowhere, and end up spending 70 minutes on the phone with India, trying to get it sorted out. My rant with them is this: WHY THE HELL DON'T THEY USE THEIR BRAINS AND INSIST ON READING A STUPID SCRIPT?!??? Seriously, when I tell you something and you ask me the same question 3 more times, THERE'S A SERIOUS LACK OF COMMUNICATION!!!

And please, tell me to do the same fucking thing 5 more times, because OH MY GOSH, a miracle might happen and this time I might just get a different result. I'm now waiting for the tech people here in Seattle to call me and walk me through this. Yes, I finally got them to escalate the call back to people who will understand what I am saying.

I don't mean to seem like a terrible person, but it's so incredibly frustrating to already be having a tech problem, and know you have to call India where you'll "talk" to someone who more than likely won't be able to help you, and you'll have just wasted an hour or more of your life. I get that it shouldn't make me so angry, but I just don't start feeling particularly patient when you refuse to LISTEN to what I'm saying and keep reading off your script, when I'm telling you IT'S NOT WORKING.

Argh.

Oh, and the topper - they wanted to know what my IP address was for the computer - when I kept saying I'M TRYING TO CONNECT TO THE EFFING INTERNET AT HOME. Because listening is overrated.

Well I didn't go away forever...

Sorry. I've been busy.

I've been working lots, visiting family, obviously NOT blogging.

My computer has also been sent away to get fixed...yet again. Stupid Compaq laptop piece of crap.

We are closing on the house in 2 weeks. YAY!

We're also purchasing three appliances: a refrigerator (bottom freezer, yay!), a washer and a dryer. I'm so excited - the washer & dryer are both front-load, and I'm splurging and getting the risers they sit on.

I guess I just haven't been feeling very talkative...

How is everyone?

Oh, another business trip? But, already?

Yes, that's right. I'm leaving again tomorrow to go on another business trip. I feel like I just got home, and I'm really not ready to leave again.

Sunday night when I went to check into my hotel they screwed up, were completely booked, and I had to spend 2 hours on the phone (most of it on hold, listening to terrible elevator music) with Expedia Corporate Travel while they tried to find me another room. I was not amused.

Tomorrow night I'm supposed to be checking into the same hotel I didn't actually get into last week. I've called the hotel directly twice to confirm - think I should call again just to be safe?

My boss let me fly home this week on Thursday, since my anniversary was Friday, which was so nice. My anniversary was really nice - we went to a fantastic little Italian restaurant, and when I got home from work on Friday I found almost 2 dozen roses waiting for me, along with a fantastic bottle of wine. I have the best husband, period.

And that just makes the fact that I have to leave tomorrow morning that much more difficult. That, and th fact that I missed my kittens an awful lot. Sigh. Hopefully after this week I won't have to travel for a while again. I can be hopeful, right?

Yay! My first business trip!

So tomorrow I leave on my first business trip. I'm quite excited - I feel so...official. I don't actually have to go until tomorrow, but going a day early allows me to spend a little time with one of my good friends! I'm sure the novelty of the trip will wear off soon enough, but for now I'm excited.

For a while now I've been sort of on the fence about what to do with this blog. I don't really feel like I can write about my job (which I love), and that sort of leaves me bereft of what to say. I try to write, but feel boring, unwitty, uninteresting. As much as I don't want to write uninteresting, I wouldn't want to read uninteresting. So do I keep writing sporadically, when I get inspired? Is that allowed? I can't imagine leaving this blog - packing up and leaving.

Thoughts? Anyone?

And this is how I became snazzy-pants.

We bought a house! Yay!

I started my new job! Yay!

I got the most perfect pair of shoes today! Yay!


So, the house! We are buying a brand-new townhouse. It's being built right now, in fact, and when we went up to visit it on Tuesday night they'd just put the insulation in. It's theoretically going to be finished September 3rd, we're just hoping we close in September. We are SO excited to see an end to apartment-living. It's going to be AWESOME!

My job - I love it! It's the first job I've ever had where I've not been counting down the minutes until time to go home, and I'm really enjoying my time there and what I'm doing. It's such a great feeling. I mean, it's been 3 years coming, essentially.

The shoes - sigh... Have you ever had one of those shoe experiences where you find the most perfect shoes and if you don't buy them right then (because you're trying to be responsible and sleep on it - decide if you really can afford them) you can't stop thinking about them? That was these shoes. Of course I'm a bit crazy about shoes - one of my friends says shoes are my kryptonite, and I agree with her. Here's the thing - if you're feeling icky about your body and none of your clothes are fitting, if you put on a great pair of shoes you feel fabulous and look pulled together. And shoes will never make you feel fat.

I saw these black, leather, sling-back peep-toe heels at Banana Republic and decided to wait and think about it. I couldn't stop thinking about them. No really, I was thinking about them instead of going to sleep at night. So I went and got them today! I absolutely love them, and even Husband agrees that they are awesome shoes. I'm going to look ridiculously snazzy-pants on Monday. I'll try to post a picture of them soon, but if you go here, mine are black. I love the silver, but with an impending mortgage, black is much more practical. Go ahead and drool.

Oh, and you know I had to wait to purchase the shoes until today - the luckiest day of the year.

What a Monday!

What could possibly make a Monday better?

How about having an iron fall from a top shelf and smack you in the face with the pointy end, leaving a lovely, deep, gushing blood gouge right as you have to run for the bus?

Works for me!

At least now we know that liquid Band-Aid works!

Yay!

Today I get sworn-in!

I am so excited!!!

Although it does feel very surreal...they're letting me get sworn-in? Really?

I'll let you know what the ceremony's like.


***
In other news, both my aunt & Husband's mom & step-dad are here, and it's like we're just here observing the Mom Show. It's been a lot of fun, though!

What do you do?

I got a bad haircut today.

This isn't such a foreign thing - I've had my share of bad haircuts.

However, I thought I'd found my hair person. Every haircut I've gotten from her has been awesome.

Today that all ended.

I said I just wanted a trim and I ended up with layers. And the worst thing is that the top layers are uneven - my left side is shorter than my right. I'm so upset. The whole reason I got the haircut is because they take your picture at the swearing-in ceremony on Monday. I was trying to grow my hair out a bit, and now I'm afraid when I go back to get it fixed (better be tomorrow), she'll have to cut it shorter to fix it. I'm so upset.

I don't want to go back to her now because I don't trust her. I mean, she screwed up my hair today, so how do I know she'll be back to her usual form and fix it properly?

Ugh.

I HATE having bad hair that I hate.

Good news!

I got the job!!!

My future boss called me himself this morning to extend the offer. I am SO excited about it! I start July 2nd. I want to say more about it but can't.

Hooray!

Pirates and interviews and mortgages, oh my!

Lots has happened in my life, and I think the best way to sum it up is via a list. I know this may seem like a cop-out, but tough - you'll just have to deal.

1. I interviewed for an internal position within my current company a week ago Friday. I should hear by Tuesday if I got it, which all signs are pointing to "YES". Apparently they want to fill the position internally & I'm the only internal candidate they were considering (as of last week, that could have changed); also, I guess all the feedback from my interview has been really good, so keep your fingers crossed. I'd be doing cool things like reseach (yes, I'm actually excited about it). While I wouldn't be practicing, per se, the only reason I was considered for this position is because I passed the bar and will be sworn-in shortly. And the direction they want this position to go in would involve giving legal advice, so it's all cool as far as I'm concerned. And it'd be a lot more money that I'm currently making, which is good!

2. Last night we went to see Pirates. It was wildly entertaining and I enjoyed it...of course any amount of time spent starting at Mr. Depp is considered a success in my book. (He's always #1 on my List.) And um, HELLO, can we talk for just a minute about how hot Orlando has gotten? Husband reached over and wiped the drool from my chin at one point...I don't know what happened, but I think he might be a contender for a spot on my List.

3. Friday evening we went to see one of the Seattle International Film Festival movies - Death at a Funeral. HIGH-larious. Seriously, one of the funniest movies I've seen in a while. I would strongly recommend going to see it! Husband & I laughed our way nearly through the entire film, and at one point I was laughing so hard I was crying. It was awesome. I highly recommend it.

4. In perhaps the biggest news of the last few weeks, Husband & I put an offer on a townhouse today. It's terrifying and exciting. We don't know if we'll get it because there's already an offer on it, but it's contingent upon them selling their house. Now that we've put in our offer, they have 5 days to clear up their contingency or we get it. Since weekends don't count, they have until Friday at 9:00pm to sell their house. I'm trying to remain very phlegmatic about the whole thing because there's a good chance we won't get it. I'm trying to retain the attitude that if it's supposed to happen, it will.

5. Swearing-in!!! I get sworn-in on Monday, the 11th. This Thursday, my aunt is flying in from Chicago, and on Friday evening, Husband's mom & step-dad are flying in. They're all leaving the next Tuesday, so it's going to be a fun weekend of family. The last time my aunt & mother-in-law were together was at our wedding, so they're really excited to see each other, too.

I think that about covers it. Send me/us good wishes for me getting that job and the house!

I quiver for you, oh brave California peeps!

I remember what this was like...counting down the minutes, trying not to die, hating the evil CA bar examiners for having the balls of steel to make it a minute-by-minute countdown for bar results.

For all of you waiting on results, my hat is off to you. You are brave, and you'll be fine, no matter what happens! Hugs!

***
In other news, I interviewed today for an internal position at my current company. It'd be in a completely different part of the company, and sounds like it would be a great fit for me. Oh, and the fact that I'd be making a LOT more bank in the new position doesn't hurt! I have a really good shot of getting it because (a) I'm licensed (okay, WILL be as of June 11th), and (b) the manager wants to hire internally and according to the recruiter, I'm the only internal candidate he's considering. In a shocking turn of events, he wants to move quickly with this; I guess he'll be out of the office the first 2 weeks of June and wants to decide before then. Which means next week. Augh! So keep your fingers & toes crossed that I'll be relaying some very good news a week from today!

Life on the other side!

So here's how it all went down on Saturday. I kept thinking I was going to lose my breakfast, and decided to check the state bar website for shits and giggles. As soon as I saw the link for the results, my heart nearly stopped. No, really, I thought I was going to go into cardiac arrest. I finally scrolled down and as soon as I saw MY NAME WAS ON THE PASS LIST I burst into tears and sobbed (and sobbed and sobbed). I've never cried that hard over happy news! I just couldn't believe it. I kept making Husband pinch me. I'm still feeling emotional whenever I stop and realize I PASSED. I finally printed off the pass list so I wouldn't keep going back to the website to make sure my name is still on the list. It's just the most surreal, fantastic, amazing, humbling, gratifying, vindicating, AWESOME feeling ever. I'm just so grateful I passed. And so excited!

And can I tell you how much fun job hunting is now?!? I spent a good deal of time this weekend looking at the jobs that are out there. I met with another recruiter today; so far, none of them are telling me the relationship is exclusive, so I'm fully enjoying whoring it out with every agency I can, as well as any and all contacts I have. I really want to do estate planning (with maybe some land use thrown in), so I'm now turning my powers on to envisioning my future job and salary, etc., and I can't wait to start interviewing.

Oh, and how did I celebrate? I had wine and good food and champagne and shopping and sleeping and being lazy and napping! I got an awesome, brand new suit, and Husband got me a gorgeous new watch. I feel so professional and spiffy now! Also, tomorrow night Husband & I are going to see the touring cast of RENT! I'm so excited about seeing RENT! that I have to add the exclamation point. RENT! Yipee!!!

I guess I could sum all this up by saying that I've been disgustingly, deliriously happy all damn day. I'm just so buyouantly happy that I felt like I was floating all day. I tell you what, this is one of the BEST feelings I've ever had; I wish I could bottle it up and pull it out on crappy days.

I'm also excited because being licensed means I'll get to fulfill a very long-held dream to volunteer at a women's shelter, in a legal capacity. I can't wait to get started on that!

OH - I got Tori's new CD today; it fucking ROCKS! Go get it immediately!

SAY WHAT!!!!

I PASSED THE BAR!
I PASSED THE BAR!
I PASSED THE BAR!
I PASSED THE BAR!
I PASSED THE BAR!

Please place your tray table in the up-right position and firmly grab your vomit bags...

We're down to a matter of hours.

I am fucking freaking out.

I keep having waves of nausea wash over me.

I was feeling only mildly terrified until I decided to catch up on my blog reading...and discovered someone who found out they hadn't passed. I don't know what state they took, but it's just so sucky. And reading their post resulted in the bottom of my stomach dropping out, and ever since I've been vacillating between: being "calm" and being able to tell myself I'm going to be FINE because I KNOW I PASSED and almost bursting into tear and needing to run to the bathroom and loose my breakfast.

I'm just so terrified and worried and OHMYGOD CAN THIS JUST BE OVER WITH ALREADY.

Which is why I'm trying to distract myself with a terrible movie on USA - "The Triangle"...it's a bad movie at it's best.

Regardless of whether or not I actually do throw up in the next approximately 2 hours, I am ready for this to be over and to start the serious partying.

Countdown...and...GO!

Isn't there a song to the effect of "hey hey wait a minute Mr. Postman..."?

Well, on Saturday, my postman will be bringing me a Very Important Letter. VIL. Namely, this VIL will begin with "Congratulations...". My PASS! letter! Part of me CANNOT WAIT! Woo-hoo! I'll get to par-tay down like a rock star on Cinco de Mayo!

On the other hand...the closer it gets the more I fill with nervous energy/anxiety/dread.

I think I am excited because I am going to have ALCOHOL on Saturday! Yay! I haven't really been drinking since November - it's a calorie thing. I've been doing a lot of serious exercising and calorie-counting - even keeping a food diary. Oh, I'm totally hardcore. :)

Where the hell have I been?!?

Well.

I have returned.

At least for the moment.

Best Buy has my computer hostage. Or, rather, they sent it back to the factory to get fixed. It was supposed to be a 5-7 day trip... it's going on like 2 1/2 weeks. Sigh.

What have I been doing?

Well, I have just been. I have officially reached my tolerance for my current job. I am essentially a secretary (although that's not my title), and I'm so fucking sick and tired of doing it. On Tuesday I went to see a recruiter/headhunter. Bar results come out in 21 days and I am eagerly awaiting my pass letter (I've been using the law of attraction).

I know it's usually better in retrospect, but I just can't fathom that point of view right now. And while, in theory, it's nice to work for a large (mammoth?) company, I'd gladly trade the benefits for a job I enjoy and look forward to. There's a big difference between having a job and a career, and I'm ready to have a career.

And don't even get me started on my 2 bosses. Suffice it to say, I have a mental notebook full of things not to do when I'm the boss.

I am trying to stay positive and focus on the fact that there's an end in sight, even if I can't see that right now. And I'm really trying to visualize being in my ideal job in 6 weeks. That may seem a bit lofty, but anything is possible, right?

Computer too attitudinal for use!

Sigh.

My computer is being retarded again.

It's doing that thing where it won't charge even though it's plugged in.

This time I think it's a connectivity issue and it'll have to get sent in... sigh.


In other news, my parents are in the area. I have also seen firsthand how much of a stress eater I am. Holy cow. I don't really have a great relationship with my parents, and honestly I can't wait for them to go home. And they're down at my sister's right now. I haven't really drank since November (there was an, um, incident that may or may not have involved an emergency room and absolutely no memory of a flight. ahem.) but since my parents flew in I have been drinking again. Alcohol is one of the only ways to deal with my parents. They're leaving on Monday (after a week and a half!) and I tell you what, I don't think I've ever looked so forward to a monday before. I don't mean to sound like an ingrate...I'm just being honest.