Countdown...and...GO!

Isn't there a song to the effect of "hey hey wait a minute Mr. Postman..."?

Well, on Saturday, my postman will be bringing me a Very Important Letter. VIL. Namely, this VIL will begin with "Congratulations...". My PASS! letter! Part of me CANNOT WAIT! Woo-hoo! I'll get to par-tay down like a rock star on Cinco de Mayo!

On the other hand...the closer it gets the more I fill with nervous energy/anxiety/dread.

I think I am excited because I am going to have ALCOHOL on Saturday! Yay! I haven't really been drinking since November - it's a calorie thing. I've been doing a lot of serious exercising and calorie-counting - even keeping a food diary. Oh, I'm totally hardcore. :)

Where the hell have I been?!?

Well.

I have returned.

At least for the moment.

Best Buy has my computer hostage. Or, rather, they sent it back to the factory to get fixed. It was supposed to be a 5-7 day trip... it's going on like 2 1/2 weeks. Sigh.

What have I been doing?

Well, I have just been. I have officially reached my tolerance for my current job. I am essentially a secretary (although that's not my title), and I'm so fucking sick and tired of doing it. On Tuesday I went to see a recruiter/headhunter. Bar results come out in 21 days and I am eagerly awaiting my pass letter (I've been using the law of attraction).

I know it's usually better in retrospect, but I just can't fathom that point of view right now. And while, in theory, it's nice to work for a large (mammoth?) company, I'd gladly trade the benefits for a job I enjoy and look forward to. There's a big difference between having a job and a career, and I'm ready to have a career.

And don't even get me started on my 2 bosses. Suffice it to say, I have a mental notebook full of things not to do when I'm the boss.

I am trying to stay positive and focus on the fact that there's an end in sight, even if I can't see that right now. And I'm really trying to visualize being in my ideal job in 6 weeks. That may seem a bit lofty, but anything is possible, right?

Computer too attitudinal for use!

Sigh.

My computer is being retarded again.

It's doing that thing where it won't charge even though it's plugged in.

This time I think it's a connectivity issue and it'll have to get sent in... sigh.


In other news, my parents are in the area. I have also seen firsthand how much of a stress eater I am. Holy cow. I don't really have a great relationship with my parents, and honestly I can't wait for them to go home. And they're down at my sister's right now. I haven't really drank since November (there was an, um, incident that may or may not have involved an emergency room and absolutely no memory of a flight. ahem.) but since my parents flew in I have been drinking again. Alcohol is one of the only ways to deal with my parents. They're leaving on Monday (after a week and a half!) and I tell you what, I don't think I've ever looked so forward to a monday before. I don't mean to sound like an ingrate...I'm just being honest.

300... reasons to love blood?

I went to see the movie 300 tonight. I figure after all the movies Husband has seen for me, I owed him this.

I had a few thoughts...

Who is that actress? She looks like Brooke Shields. Except her voice doesn't sound like that. Who is she?

He might want to see a dentist about those teeth and gums.

Okay, he's cute, but he always plays a slimey character. And what movie have I seen him in?

Are all those 6-pack abs airbrushed on or done with computer?

Holy risk of hepatitis, Batman! Seriously, close your mouth - all that blood flying around just isn't sanitary.

Can I look yet? Is this current massacre on a pause yet?

Overall, aside from being incredibly blood-filled, it was kind of a cool looking movie. It was still awfully gore-filled.

Cunning verbal linguist

"I am more than sufficiently fine."

"These last few twitch-inducing years with Bush as our president."

Oh yes, cunning linguist am I. Your knees should be sqeaking with awe and dread.

Obviously I have gone mad.

I can't do anything but sleep!!!

I don't remember the last time I slept so much or felt so tired! Yesterday I slept in, took a marathon nap in the afternoon, and by 10:00 pm I was exhausted. This morning I woke up early (I still got 9 hours of sleep last night), finished the novel I started last night, cleaned the apartment (FINALLY!), and when I got out of spending a half hour in Old Navy buying some much needed new work clothes, I felt exhausted again.

What the hell.

I guess my body is still decompressing from the exam.

The exam itself was good - I feel great! The first morning I nearly didn't make it; the alarm FAILED! TO! GO! OFF! It was set, checked, double checked, triple checked, so it was a fluke. I woke up 20 minutes after I had wanted to leave, and ran into traffic in my mad rush to make it to the convention center. I don't remember if I even stopped to put deodorant on, but I made it with 10 minutes left of registration. If I hadn't made it in time, I wouldn't have been able to take the test.

There were also a few moments where my computer decided to not recognize it was plugged in, but WE MADE IT THROUGH, my computer & I!

So now I'm just looking forward to receiving my "Congratulations..." letter. And yes, I'm visualizing it every day! I know my test is now in the hands of the graders, but I don't see any reason why I can't still use The Secret (you know, that Law of Attraction?). If I receive the thoughts I send out, then I'm definitely going to keep visualizing my congrats letter. As all of you should, too!

I watched 2 Harry Potter movies since the exam! Lovely! I've read an entire novel! Wonderful! I've done a thorough cleaning of my apartment! Clean is good! I've almost finished with ALL the laundry! Yay for clean clothes! And perhaps the most exciting of all, I have new clothes to wear to work this week! HOORAY for new clothes! I'm going to look spiffy this week - I may even break out my pearls - wooot!

The thought of having tomorrow evening totally free - not that I was naughty and took a weekend off, but that I'm done studying! Hee! The thought makes me feel downright giddy! If I wasn't so tired, I'd want to stay up late and enjoy the recklessness of it. :) However, I have decided to swear off Starbucks - my bank account & my thighs could use the break, so no frouffy drink for me tomorrow...which means I need to go to bed now. And I think I just heard the dryer stop, which means I can put clean sheets on the bed. I heart sleeping in a bed with dryer-fresh sheets.

What About Bob?

I am watching What About Bob tonight...trying to stay calm, zen-like, cool, collected...keep the chaos quieted to a dull roar.

I'm trying not to be nervous, or at least not let the nervousness be anything other than extra energy.

I'm trying to remember The Secret and staying positive...knowing I have studied, knowing I'm prepared and that I'm going to pass.

Except I still have all this nervous energy...

I'm going to pack up my stuff (computer, pens, etc.) at 8:30...pick out my clothes for tomorrow, make my sandwich. I think it's the Type A in me...

BEST OF LUCK to everyone taking the exam tomorrow. I hope we all maintain our confidence, stay focused, and have the recall we need. We're going to be FINE! Let's get in, nail the questions, and get out!

Here's to PASSING...

You know that feeling? That one feeling?

That feeling where it's like you're vibrating underneath your skin and no matter what you tried to do you wouldn't be able to do it because you can't sit still or focus because you're vibrating and on the VERGE OF PANIC?!?

That would be me right now.

I was just explaining this to one of my friends and she asked "do you feel like you could just burst into tears?" I said, no, but I see that on the horizon.

I had really wanted to get through 9 more essays today. I don't have to fully write them out, just issue spot, ideally write out the rule. The first essay I did this morning (I had a day total of 10, not unrealistic considering what's happening in like 2 1/2 MINUTES), when going through the answer, I started feeling panicky -THERE'S NO WAY I CAN RECALL EVERYTHING. AUGH!

I'm trying to focus on the fact that I will recall what I need to, when I need to. I have studied. I have memorized. I have written lots and lots of practice essays. My tutor says I'm going to be fine, and I suppose she would know! But still the panic.

I'm trying especially hard to use The Secret today (you know, that law of attraction thing? Oprah had a show on it recently?), and not let the panic and fear overtake me... I am going to be fine. I will be able to recall what I need, when I need it. I am going to pass. I can visualize each essay question being one I will successfully answer. I am visualizing getting my PASS! letter on May 4th. I'm going to be fine. I can do it.

That helps somewhat, but I'm still left with the question - what do I do today and tomorrow that will be effective and a not me just feeding the panic? (Aside from psyching my cats out with the laser pointer toy, I mean.)

Oh, the savagery...savagry? Um, how about "oh, the oh"

Today I called in sick. Yesterday I was feeling itchy about the exam and thought taking today off to study would help me feel less itchy. It did.

I did a record 14 essays today. Jeebus. I am F-R-I-E-D. My fingers would not like to type anymore today, thank you very much.

I was hoping to actually do at least 2 more essays, but my fingers got together with my brain and they had a mutiny. I could almost feel my brain screeching to a halt. And as you can see from my inability to spell one of those words in my title, my brain has already gone off to bed for the night.

Sigh.

I am going to be SUCH a happy camper next week!!! Hallelujah!

Computer: Thou Art Healed!!!

Well well well.

It would appear a new power adaptor has SOLVED the problem!

I actually received my mother-in-law's spare laptop yesterday, so if this hadn't worked, I would have still been able to type. However, it's still a *HUGE* relief to know I can use my own computer!

I guess that's all I have to say about that...very anticlimactic, don't you think? Ah well, better this than me having to be prevented from throwing my laptop off my balcony.

***
In other news, some completely bogus company by the name of "leanrx.net" somehow got our credit card information and charged almost $250. Husband noticed it when he freaked out about our credit card bill (we don't use it - just for auto-monthly payments). Apparently, there are tons of people who have been ripped-off by this bogus company, and there's no way to contact them. Evidently all phone numbers are just automated, and all emails get bounced back. I'm just glad they got our credit card info instead of our debit card info! That would be terrible.

Anyways, you should all carefully read over your statements - bank and otherwise. Oh, and I guess this bogus company also has the name "Dreamsmile" and sells hoodia diet pills. Oh, and you never actually get any merchandise for what you're being billed for. Good thing I'm not upset and seriously thinking about getting one of my licensed cohorts to sign an angry lawyer letter.

A few things I'd like to say to Bill Gates or How to have a breakdown 2 weeks before the bar exam or how attractive a plain old pen looks about now

Slightly more than 2 weeks prior to the bar exam is not a good time to be having laptop problems.

I've known for a little while now that I need to get a new battery, as mine refuses to hold a charge for more than an hour and a half, which won't get me through the exam. However, last week, my computer decided to ramp up my stress level by not recognizing it was plugged it when it was plugged in. This is a problem.

I went to Best Buy and they don't know if it's my power adaptor or where it connects into my computer. They are getting me a new battery & a new power adaptor ('cuz it's still under warranty, thank goodness!), but they won't know until it gets here. When will it get here? Don't know. Because I'm getting it under the warranty, I can't pay for expedited shipping. It should be sent out on Monday, and should get here around Thursday.

If the power adaptor doesn't fix the problem, they'll have to SEND AWAY MY COMPUTER, which would probably leave me WITHOUT a computer for the exam...which I am supposed to be TYPING.

So, what do I do, what do I do. I mean, aside from cry in the middle of Best Buy. I decide perhaps I should get a backup computer - not open it or anything until I find out of my computer is okay, but have it for peace of mind. Because that is pricess at this stage in the game.

That would be very fine and well (aside from the fact I'd be out quite a bit of money), except every SINGLE LAPTOP FOR SALE IN A STORE comes with VISTA OPERATING SYSTEM. Does Examsoft work on Vista? NO, BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE. Examsoft only works on Windows 2000 or XP. Best Buy still sells XP, but in order for that to be an option, I'd have to buy the computer with Vista, buy XP, and pay the Geek Squad to install it. Then if my computer turned out to be totally fine with just a new power adaptor, I'd be out the money I spent on the software & the Geek Squad, not to mention the restocking fee Best Buy would charge me if I returned the laptop.

Best Buy can order specialized laptop with XP on it, but I COULDN'T RETURN IT. No really. They told me if I did that I would not be able to return it. I laughed a little hysterically and told them "THAT'S NOT EVEN COMMERCIALLY REASONABLE!!!"

I came home, and there are only two computer companies that even offer XP as the operating system anymore - Gateway and Sony. The Dell salesperson laughed at me over the phone when I asked about XP instead of Vista.

And if I were to order a Gateway or Sony laptop, there's still the issue of getting it time. Not to mention the fact that I haven't been able to get in touch with Examsoft people about re-downloading it, which I'm not even slightly prepared to deal with at this point.

Here's what I'd like to say to Mr. Bill Gates: WHO'S BRILLIANT IDEA WAS IT TO RELEASE VISTA 2 MONTHS BEFORE THE BAR EXAM?!??? Seriously! If you could have waited until March I'd have no problem with you. None. It's obvious you and your marketing team (or whomever decided January was a good release month) have no thought for the fact that there are thousands of bar takers depending on your keeping us supplied with XP through this exam, at least until Examsoft gets on board with your operating system.

I could use Husband's mac laptop (if the WSBA allows mac usage), but his adaptor is currently being held together with tape. No, I'm not kidding.

As it turns out, in a very anti-climactic but seriously relieving solution, my mother-in-law is sending me one of her many extra laptops - the newest one. It has XP on it. She is a fucking lifesaver! Seriously. When she told Husband she'd send me one of her laptops to use, I cried hot tears of relief - I didn't even realize how stressed out I was about it until I was able to be relieved! (I mean, aside from my little "episodic" breakdown in Best Buy.) Still, however, this has brought to light how ridiculous this really is. Using my laptop was supposed to make this whole process easier, not make me want to tear out my eyebrows and run back to the hand cramps of pens.

having ONE OF THOSE DAYS...

..wherein every fucking thing is driving me fucking mad!

-the fact that I have to work as an assistant

-2 of the 3 girls I'm in a "cube-box" with drive me crazy

-1 of the above-mentioned girls does this SUPER fucking annoying thing where EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME she's on the phone, she rubs her hands together. how do I know? the SOUND drives me fucking NUTS

-the same hand-rubbing girl has one of THE MOST obnoxious laughs ever.

-this is the same girl who leave her cell phone on audible ring DESPITE my asking her to put it on vibrate AND despite her leaving little post-it notes for me to LEAVE MY CELL PHONE ON SOMETHING SOFT SO WHEN IT VIBRATES, IT'S NOT NOISY. how fucking rude.

-oh, and the ring tone of her work phone is also driving me FUCKING batty.

-both of my bosses are driving me FUCKING batty.

-the fact that I just ate my lunch and then DEVOURED 2 normal-sized cookies, must to the distending of my belling and ensuing uncomfortably bloated and full feeling.

-the fact that I am so sore this morning I decided not to work out and go shopping instead.

-the fact that every single piece of crap clothing that I tried on at Macy's while shopping in their 50-75% off sale section fit my body like fucking crap, and that sizes keep fucking getting smaller because I am WORKING my ass off at the gym and I'm still not seeing smaller pant-sizes. what the FUCK is up with that

-my skin. my skin is absolutely making me batty and I want to itch it off.

-my scalp. being lazy and trying to be nicer to my hair, I didn't wash my hair this morning (or even get it wet), as I washed it twice yesterday (yesterday morning & then at the gym); instead, I straight-ironed my hair so it would look nice because I knew I wouldn't be going to the gym and consequently having to shower. and now my scalp is ITCHY.

-the fact that I took the fucking time to straight-iron my hair when all my clothes make me feel dumpy, schlumpy, and not at all sleek and sophisticated. since the sleek and sophisticated clothes are all TOO FUCKING SMALL.

-further, the fact that my straight-ironed bangs contain 1 obnoxiously hostile piece that keeps falling in my fucking eyes and refuses to stay with the rest of the bangs.

-the fact that I can't control my fucking apetite and eat like I'm feeding the whole herd (which coincidentally apparently happens to be: my gut, my hips, both thighs, my upper arms, and my upper legs)

-the fact that I still have feelings of tiredness despite having slept 3 nights in a row (thank you, ambien).

-the fact that my fucking job is SO FUCKING BORING that I maybe, maybe have enough actual work to fill about 23 minutes in a day.

-the fact that when I call my local pharmacy to refill a prescription (ambien), the automated system uses the word "TELEMANDER". seriously.

***
And how are all of you?

Alls I gots ta say...

...is that in about 10 minutes, I am fully intending to be in bed, soundly asleep. I've had absolute crap sleep the last 2 nights, and the turbo kick box class I did today at the gym totally kicked my ass. I'm sore, tired, grouchy, and I'M GOING TO BED.

But first, I have to vent a bit. I work for a few people, and one of those people (not my main boss) is BITCH. B-I-T-C-H. I know I resolved not to blog about work because we've all heard about Dooce - but I just can't help myself at the moment. She is seriously the MOST difficult person I've had to work for in a long time. In all seriousness, I think she would probably benefit from medication...I know I'd benefit from her being on meds!!!

(Now let's just hope this doesn't get me Dooced, although I don't think anyone at work is aware of this site.)

Things that would have been nice...

At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I have a few things to vent about concerning my birthday. The following two (2) items really could have added to the already wonderful day that was my Birthday.

1. Having my bosses (I have two of them) at least acknowledge my birthday. I wasn't asking for gifts, nothing crazy, just perhaps a card...definitely a "happy birthday". Did that happen? NO. Not even after I brought in a cake (I got an extra one - long story) and sent them an email - hey, there's cake in the kitchen in honor of my birthday yesterday. I even had one of my bosses tell me "mmm, great cake!" and continue walking down the hall. No, I am not lying. I suppose what makes this even more maddening for me is the fact that overall, my bosses are very nice people; anyone within our little group (which is a subgroup of a much larger group) who has a birthday gets something from my boss. Also, the group always signs a group birthday card for that person. Did I even get a group birthday card? NO. I'm now thinking I'll feel that much less badly about jumping ship once I'm licensed.

2. Actually receiving my birthday package from a good friend of mine. Apparently, FedEx left it at my door at 10:55 am on Friday morning. When I got home, it wasn't there. It would appear that someone stole it. I LOVE LIVING WITH THIEVES! At least the company is sending a replacement gift to a store near me so I can go pick it up. And at least I've learned to NEVER have anything sent to my home unless my signature is required. Ridiculous.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!

Today has been AWESOME. Aside from getting up way too early because of the phone ringing (someone on the East code to tell me Happy Birthday!) - once the phone rang & I stayed awake because I was so excited it was my birthday! But I compensated that up-too-early by having a FANTASTIC 2 hour nap this afternoon. It was AWESOME. We went out for Waffles, then we went to REI to pick up a birthday present for me from my parents (camping gear, Woo-Hoo!), then to pick up a ring that was being repaired, then (drum roll, please) to the outlet mall for one specific store: Coach. I got the cutest pink Coach wallet! And I saved MORE than I spent! Which is a great feeling to have any day, much less on your birthday! Oh, and Husband got me a Coach purse - he's so good! He also brought me a dozen roses...I think I'll keep him. :-)

In any event, I'm about to take my new purse & wallet out to a lovely dinner at one of my favorite Italian joints (Maggiano's Little Italy).

Last night we went to a movie - The Pursuit of Happyness. It is probably one of the best movies I've seen! You should all go see it!

Okay, I'm off to eat CARBS, BEAUTIFUL CARBS! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

KITTEN LUV!

Here are my kitties, Cooper Rufus on the Left, Jiminy Cricket on the right, totally busted in mid-cuddle. In fact, I don't think Jiminy could be cuddled any closer to Cooper, who seems to be on the fence about whether to let himself enjoy it and go to sleep, or get the hell out. Turns out he went with the former option, and they were both soon soundly asleep. More often than not, this is what I come home to every day. How lucky am I?

Do you suppose they'll cuddle with me on my birthday on Sunday? (And here you were wondering how I was going to work in mentioning my birthday...fear not, I'll always find a way!)

HA!

Secured Transactions can KISS MY GLOWING WHITE BIRTHDAY ASS.

HA!

HEAR ME ROAR! R-O-A-R!

I am SUPERWOMAN. Today, not only did I completely finish AND PUT AWAY all the laundry (a *huge* feat!), but I accomplished 9 of the 11 essays on my to-do list. And the house is clean (thank you, Husband), and there are clean sheets on the bed (thank you, me), and I'm only a half-hour late to bed.

However, today commences the WEEK OF MY BIRTHDAY, so I'm allowed to stay up late. Ha! That's right, you will get to hear about my birthday all week. I know it's not until next Sunday, but I'm a firm believer of the week-long-birthday school of thought.

Okay, I am tired, though, and I'm going to purposely ignore the fact that the last load of towels just finished in the dryer (okay, so I lied about having finished all the laundry) and go to bed. I even get to sleep in a little bit tomorrow morning - I don't have to go straight to work because I have to go to the doctor's. Hooray for sick time!

Holy Crap

A co-worker I sit next to asked me today in a very nonchalant, calm voice, "so, when is the bar exam again?"

I say the dates, and then at the calendar... and see to my absolute nausea that it's only approximately 5 1/2 weeks away. Fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck!!! Holy crap - where is the time going? If only I didn't have to work right now. Sigh. Why is money so evil? I am on a reduced work schedule so I get home earlier and have more time in the evenings, but still...I'm SO envious of all of those people who just have to get up, perhaps go to a Bar/Bri lecture, and get the REST OF THE ENTIRE DAY to study!

I did come home and just finished a good, solid evening of studying. And I really want to go sit in front of the TV for a spell, but I've stayed up late every night this week and am TIRED, and I have to be somewhat well rested tomorrow, as I have to come home and write essays like a madwoman. I already have my second set of essays due for my tutor this weekend.

Oh, and my birthday is in just over a week. My golden birthday...wherein I turn 28 on the 28th. I'm not feeling AT ALL thrilled about this birthday. In fact, I'd prefer if it didn't come at all - just stay right where you are! However, that doesn't have any impact whatsoever on my ability to accept, nay, cherish, presents. In fact, lots and lots and lots of presents would surely ease this, don't you think? I'm sure lots of you will think I'm silly for feeling all terrified of turning 28; it's not because I'll be 28, it's because 30 is that much more real. And seriously, when the hell am I going to get my shit together and pass the damn bar exam already? Bloody hell.

Personally, I can't think of anything more fun...

...than to spend a day off from work (work Holiday today) sitting in my pajamas, studying for the bar exam. Seriously. I mean, taking a nap? watching TV? playing with the cats? going shoe shopping? picking my nose? PSHAW!

Although I haven't exactly spent the day thus far studying...oh, I have for the past 20 minutes or so. See, by the time I actually dragged my sorry ass out of bed, I then had to sit in front of the TV watching VH1 music videos for an hour and a half (my time was rewarded - I saw the new U2 video!), catching up on news (only fluffy entertainment gossip), and then talking to a friend for almost an hour. And then just as I was about to get serious, Husband came home for lunch so there went another half hour. Just so many demands on my time! Sheesh! What's a girl to do?!?

So now I'm about to do my first set of essays to turn in to my tutor. I'm supposed to do them in exam-simulated conditions - I suppose my burning scented candles (where would I be without my non-vegan-approved Yankee candles?) & drinking hot tea while wearing pajamas and slippers doesn't exactly count! Oh well - I'll do them without cheating and timed. Sigh. At least it's only 3 questins, so that's only 2 hours & 15 minutes.

And after that, you ask? Do I get to go watch some '80's movies? No! No Pretty In Pink for me today. I get to tackle Admin Law next. My toes are quivering with excitement. I know you're all unbelievably jealous. It's okay - I won't tell a soul.